Can today be cancelled, please?

Ever had a day when you wish you hadn't? This has been one of those days when I've felt totally disjointed, outside of myself, and unable to concentrate on any one thing longer than a nano second. As a result, I vegged all day by watching Turner Classic Movies. Something has to be wrong with me when I can ONCE AGAIN watch (for the umpteenth time) Joan Crawford, Henry Fonder, and Yul Brynner movies!

Saturdays are usually the day I do my household chores and mow the yard. All I got accompished today was to post a new embroidery design on my website, took a nap (most unlike me), and the dog and I both managed to eat. Humidity today sapped what little energy I had - so boosted the air conditioner a couple of notches.

Especially lonesome today. Don't know what's so different about today. Don't really care, either. Hate days like this when my mood is darker than a stack of black cats. Guess I've just got a case of the mully grubs or feel sorries. Wouldn't have been a good day to talk to anyone, I don't think. Better to have been alone and down in the dumps.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. One can only hope.

roostersgrrl - use whatever you like! No copyrights here ;-)

Birthday Party

"You always find things you didn't know you were going to say, and that is the adventure of writing." (John Updike)

Just when I think I don't have another blog to post, my brain goes into overload with gazoodles of ideas that wink at me like fireflies floating on an evening breeze.

I was invited to a birthday party this evening - and, I went. Wouldn't have, though, if the person hosting the party would have conveniently lost my phone number and hadn't dialed me up this afternoon to remind me! Without giving it much prior thought, I agreed to show up at the appropriate time and place.

It's probably gauche of me to interpose I wasn't thrilled to be there. One of the Son of a Blogitches was there! The gods of the blog world must have been busy today plotting against me because of my previous post. How much fun did I have? Enjoyed myself about as much as I would if I were strapped onto the infamous and torturous rack and had to listen to you run your fingernails over a chalk board.

Please don't think of me as a snob - never have been accused of being so. I have no idea why I was invited to this party. I mean, I fit in about as well as a Democratic Presidential Nominee at the Republican Convention! Knew very few of the people there and the Son of Blogitch made a point of sitting beside me while I attempted to choke down barbeque, baked beans, and potato salad. I don't mean that the food was bad - it's difficult to eat ANYTHING with a Son of Blogitch making others believe I was even paying attention to him!

After what I hoped was a polite length of time to remain present, I made a hasty retreat out the side door. Lo and behold, the Son of a Blogitch yelled at me "You aren't going home already, are you?" But, I continued on at a dead run, punching my "open the car door now" remote frantically, literally jumped into my car and very nearly cut off my left foot in my haste to shut the door - all the while pretending I hadn't heard him and therefore I could say I didn't if asked about it later! I know, I know. It would be a lie. Who's to know? Are you going to tell the Son of a Blogitch?

Son of a Blogitch!

If I were a betting person, I'd be willing to bet.... well, maybe not that! But, I'm quite sure everyone has met or knows someone who falls into my category of Son of a Blogitch!

There's a certain category of individuals who are positively, absolutely sure they are RIGHT about everything and have no concern whatsoever for anyone else's opinions or feelings. Usually these creeps have never had an original thought, but they proudly parrot those of others, claiming the profundity contained in those thoughts as their own.

When it's not possible for them to overhear or read someone else's opinion or statement of fact, they make up something and swear it is the Gospel. The lies they tell are told and embellished upon so often that in their warped minds, the lies become absolute truth to be defended with vitreol, which usually is accompanied with the defense statement of "I tell it like it is and let the chips fall where they may." At this point, I wish for permission from SOMEONE, ANYONE to perform either a lobotomy or a realignment of their brains with a dull knife and a soup ladle.

Dealing with individuals of this nature is very difficult, to say the least. If you ignore them, they take that as acceptance. If you call them down, you end up looking even more stupid than they are because you've lowered yourself to their level. If you complain to someone else about their behavior, word usually gets back to them and now they feel completely justified.

My way of dealing with these folks is the minute they open their mouths to say ANYTHING to me, I just very impolitely turn my back on them and walk away! Not only do I not have to hear their "stuff," but I can then honestly say "I didn't hear that."

Being a widow is ....

At one time, on an 11-mile strip of 222, there were 17 widows and I was and still am the youngest one! Now, there are 6 of us left! Kinda scary, huh?

Shortly after my husband's death, there was always someone popping in to check on me. Neighbors, friends, and family members. It seemed like I'd never have a moment to myself to be...whatever. As time passed, however, the stream of people turned into a trickle and now? Well, suffice it to say I haven't seen any of my neighbors in over four years. I can see two of my neighbor's houses from my front yard - it's not that they live a "fur piece" away from me.

I get telephone calls instead of visits. With the price of gas these days, that is understandable! And, I appreciate hearing from these folks, believe me. But, there is something alien to me about holding a phone to my ear and attempting to feel connected to people who had been so important to me years ago. Have I become the obligatory callee once a month or so?

Now, I've been giving my status in the scheme of life a lot of thought lately. And, my conclusion is this - being a widow sucks! Plain enough for ya? Alone isn't so bad - I've felt and been more or less alone most of my life. But the loneliness is downright unbearable most of the time.

That's one reason why I am pleased a friend turned me on to blogging. I can express myself here without worrying about hurting someone's feelings. Many of the people I know only know how to send e-mail and that's about it !

This computer is my lifeline. I've learned how to create and digitize embroidery designs, which I sell on my website. I play word games on Pogo and chat with people I will never meet. As clerk of my state guard unit, I am responsible for e-mailing members with news about up-coming events, preparing reports and sending them to the appropriate sections, and tons of paperwork whenever new recruits join up! I keep in contact with many people about whom I care via e-mail, because their lives are so busy with careers and families, and they live too far away for them to visit me or me to visit them.

Have you ever fixed a pot of beans, or spaghetti sauce, or chili, or meat loaf, or anything that could be classified as a meal for ONE PERSON? Have you ever felt spiritually, emotionally stifled because there's nobody to talk to? Have you ever just chattered away like a magpie at strangers at Wal Mart because of being hungry for communicating one-on-one with SOMEONE? Have you ever thought what good am I to anyone because you honestly feel like there isn't anyone who REALLY cares or understands?

Well, I can tell you, it is absolutely terrifying. Thankfully, I don't feel like that often enough for it to be worrying to me. It's happened enough for me to realize at this point in my life I've gotta accept my situation - but, it doesn't mean I've gotta do it gracefully!

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

The above was sent to me by one of my former military wife friends. The joke was made even funnier because her husband retired (disabled) as a Captain - how we teased him because he worked his way from PVT up the ladder. Not that he became any smarter, you understand...he was typical of officers below the rank of Major, even though he had come up through the ranks! (Anyone who was ever been affiliated with the military, let alone part and parcel of it, will understand what I mean about being "typical of officers below the rank of Major.") There weren't many I met that would have qualified as being the sharpest knife in the drawer!

We are what we are because we want to be!

I recently read an article wherein a man blamed the fact that he is a murderer on being abused as a child! Excuse Me? That's a crock!

It's a matter of choice - he chose to become a predatory beast. The blame lies within himself - not on what happened to him as a child. Our prisons are full of bad people who absolutely refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. It's much easier to blame someone or something else.

I'm not just rambling on here. I speak from experience. I am the product of very abusive parents who were alcoholics to boot. Until I was seven years old, my only saving grace was my maternal grandmother. But, she lived on the farm - many hours away from me and wasn't there to help me when I was beaten, taken from the home, returned to the home because my mother was such a good actress, taken to the hospital innumerable times with broken bones, etc., etc., etc. I vividly recall the time my mother put me into the oven and closed the door - left me there for what seemed like days, but was about 2 hours. All because she didn't like the way I had looked at her! To this day, NOBODY had better try to close me up - don't lock me in anywhere. It will be ugly!

We lived right on the coast - how I loved (and still do) the ocean. It was my best friend. There was an outcropping of rocks we all called "Whale's Back" that never quite got covered up when the tide was high. That was my "special place." I would go there when the tide was low, regardless of the weather, and stay until the water soothed and calmed me enough for me face going back to the house. Many times I would have to stay there until the tide once again got low enough for me to walk on dry land back to the shore. Nobody ever learned of my haven, and I of course, never told anyone! I can still go to that place and be healed - I've not seen Whale's Back since I left home over five decades ago!

My first marriage to a controlling and abusive man was a natural recourse for me, or so I thought at the time. Until...one day, I'd had enough. Gathered the kids, walked away, and never looked back. It never occurred to me to become what my parents or husband had been - my spirit had never been broken enough for me to succumb to that lure.

My grandmother once told me (I must have been about six years old at the time) "We are what we are because we want to be." Little did I know how prophetic those words were to become for me. I only knew I didn't want to be an abusive, controlling, hateful, mean, alcoholic clone of my parents. My inborn independent spirit rebelled against all those things, plus many more. Whatever I am today isn't because of my childhood, it's because I chose to be what I am!

Happiness is extremely contagious!

I'm not usually one who gushes, but maybe you will forgive me this one time. A dear friend of mine is experiencing boundless joy, which comforts and delights my spirit like a warm and snuggly blanket when he shares it with me.

This old gal is not one to use the term "friend" lightly. My friends are cherished and valued highly. We accept each other as we are with no expectations of receiving anything but respect, honor, and a closeness of spirit that is difficult to put into words. Without friends there would be a horrible void in my life and heart.

This particular friend is a fine young man whom I admire for his spiritual faith, steadfast honesty, moral forthrightness, and his wonderful sense of humor. A friend like this helps me to trust that his generation is doing just fine, thank you.
Although he is the same age as my eldest grand-son, he's wise beyond his years.

And, he's in love!

There may be many dragons for him to slay while he strives to set a course for the rest of his life. His fair maiden, whom I like very much without having met her, will prevent him from leaping into the future without common sense as his guide. His happiness is palpable - impossible for him to stifle while sometimes being amazingly awe inspiring to him! There is a newly acquired softness about him these days that he cannot disguise.

He's not a teenager and is aware that life can play strange tricks on us as we plod along trying to do the best we can with what we have been given. This is not just "puppy love" or a romanticized version of love - this is the real thing that has grabbed his heart, mind, and soul with a velvet cord of compassion, concern, and even to some extent, practicality. Those dragons are lurking in the shadows to strike him down - it's up to him how he handles them!

Anyone who knows me can verify yours truly is far from being "Dear Abby." However, I have some friends (former college mates) who seem to think I've got ALL the answers to their problems. Little do they know I can barely handle my own problems, let alone solve them!

Received 4 different phone calls today for advice - from "how do I get my room mate to move out" to "if I go away with Sam for the weekend, what do I tell my father" (she's 31 and lives with her Dad)? This old-fashioned, conservative, and highly opinionated old broad hates to give advice - and nobody ever wants an honest opinion these days!

To be completely honest, I believe I was tuned in to the ringing in my ears (which seems to be getting worse these days) and thus a lot of babble was filtered and totally blogged out! That was probably a very good thing - not the ringing in my ears! Pay attention, will ya!

I gave no advice and offered very little in the form of opinion because they really didn't want to listen to anything I had to say - I was being used as an excuse to VENT their frustration, anger, pettiness, and otherwise spoiled brattiness! But, in my own defense, I did manage to insert an occasional "uh huh," "I see," and even interjected an "oh my goodness" at the appropriate moments when the complainant was forced to take a breath! Even received a nice "thank you" from each of the callers. How very polite of them!

Onward and upward! I made a request from the crazy group that made me laugh and have a good time last night - don't believe they thought I was serious about finding me a man. Only prerequisites are he must be breathing (that would be beneficial to him for sure), must be between the age of 60 and 80 (would really prefer a 30 something, but wouldn't know how to handle him!), must take me out for an occasional dinner or call me just to talk, and he shouldn't have more than two hands!!! I'll leave it to you to interpret that!

Of course, I have more requirements, but then a guy would think I might want to run away somewhere for romantic getaways or even to get married! I may be crazy, but not insane quite yet!

Someone once said (wish I could remember who) that a true test of whether you can get along with others is to live alone. If you can stand to be with yourself, you can stand to be with practically anyone! Hmm, there are days that I don't like myself very much because I'm with myself so durned much! I used to think alone wasn't so bad, but have learned that alone is a horrible status to maintain - both mentally and physically.

Yesterday I couldn't blog like I wanted to because I had to go to the doctor to have stitches removed - that was not a pleasant experience at all! Last night, I couldn't blog because my time was otherwise taken up with taking notes, soothing ruffled feathers (mostly mine as a result of problems with stitches removal), and laughing my fool head off with my friends. I couldn't blog early this morning because I had a ton of paper work to get done in order to maintain my status as a "passably okay clerk" in the state guard. I have suffered long enough from blog withdrawal!

Not that I have anything all that earth shaking to say, mind you. Probably everything I've posted would be considered "mindless drivel" by some, but screw them! (Hey, did I say that?) See how missing a blog session can warp one's mind! Especially mine!

Truly, coming here to type whatever comes into my head is sorta kinda like therapy for me - doesn't really matter too very much whether anyone else reads my ramblings or not just as long as I get them written.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? Hmm, an oxymoron! Think about it.

You can tell I'm really reaching here. In rather a strange mood today - I'm somewhere between quite happy and almost depressed. That could prove to be depressingly happy, happily depressed, or just messed up!

You all have a good day - I'm gonna work on an embroidery design that has given me fits for nearly a week. Won't give up on it until I have it perfect - by my standards of perfect, that is!

I just gotta get out more often

If you ever get to feeling as if you were a mushroom - always kept in the dark - just get together with a bunch of young folks. Gosh golly gee, then you will know your life is compatable with the lowliest fungi on the planet because everyone talks at the same time, nobody really listens to anyone, but everyone laughs at the appropriate time and place! How do they do that?

But, once I caught up, I began to join in and found myself having a terrific time. My jaws hurt and I've discovered I really do still have some muscle tone to my stomach because it aches from laughing at the hijinx! Plus, I became educated in many and varied subjects.

These guys and gals are cool (is it still cool to say cool?) and fun to be with.

I don't get out very much anymore. Don't really know why other than the fact I find it difficult to go anywhere by myself. I seem to be perfectly happy staying at home for days on end. Won't go to the grocery store until I absolutely have to get feed for the dog, or a few things for me to eat. It's rather challenging to meet new people when I don't make the effort to go or do, right? Right! I'll give that some thought and see if this old bird can or will alter her life style slightly.

Found the below earlier today and thought someone might get a kick out of one or all of them.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

The Ultimate Frog

For many years, I collected frogs. Brass ones, porcelain ones, goofy looking ones, expensive ones, yard sale ones, and received many as gifts! In 1993, I married the ultimate frog. Yepper, Kermit was his name!

He made it possible for me to achieve a life-long dream - he sent me to college. How very proud he was of my achievements during those hard four years while I worked like a fiend to attain a BBA! His support and encouragement uplifted me when I was discouraged. How tickled he would get when my grades were mailed out to "the parents of." While I was an exchange student in Amsterdam, I received a "care" package every week from him. When my 1981 Oldsmobile finally laid down and died, he made sure I had the best car he could get me - a Lincoln Town Car yet!

One week before graduation, as he was driving us to the town dump in his old pickup with a load of junk from the barn, he fell over dead in my arms from a massive heart attack.

Friends from Europe were expected for my graduation, family from out of town was due to arrive the day after Kermit's death, and I still had two final exams and a very important presentation to make. One of my classmates contacted the Dean and because of my excellent grades, finals would be waived and presentation was forgiven.

The first month of so after Kermit's death are rather a blur, but I do remember being adamant about "I'm not going to attend graduation." The only way I can vouch for the fact that I DID attend is the photographs made of me shaking hands with the President of the University, friends assisting me with getting my cap on straight, and my advisor giving me a huge hug!

I stopped collecting frogs. And, all those I have are carefully packed in boxes and stored in the garage.

Hey colcam, thanks for the encouraging words. Just what I needed to inspire me further.

Some days I'm the dog, other days I'm the hydrant!

As I surfed Blog Explosion today, I realized just how dull, boring, and otherwise unimpressive my puny little blog site is. It's been a long time since I've used HTML, can't figure out how to create my banner, don't understand what 1 credit and 30 banners means, feel totally inadequate for this means of communicating with the world, and if you think I'm going to give up, you can think again, bub!

You know something - being alone has advantages and disadvantages. Which would you like for me to list first? Not that I think being alone is advantageous, exciting, sexy, or any other wildly unorthodox adjective you would care for me to use here! Neither do I believe that NOT being alone could be any or all of those things!

I'm striving to strike a happy medium where my life is concerned. Staying busy helps, but causes the time to fly by so rapidly that I often find myself wishing for more of it - time, that is!
Being idle is wonderful, but then time lays so heavily laden with nothing that it drives me into once again becoming busy. Don't believe that's too much of a happy medium.

Am I rambling? Sorry about that. The original topic is, was, and should be the fact that I need help with my blog site! Can't soak it with gasoline and light a match - I think too much of my PC to do that. Don't want to unsubscribe - afraid I might miss something. Is there a "blogging for dummies" book?

Today has been one of my "hydrant" days. Feel uselss, stupid, more than slightly crazy (more so than usual, that is), and can't seem to concentrate long enough to make sense within any given sentence.

So, here's what I plan to do. I will overcome - eventually - by getting a banner created sometime within the next week to ten days. Don't want to pressure myself too much. After that, I will work on upgrading, updating, and otherwise beautifying my blog site.

Any and all suggestions will be appreciated - I like getting constructive criticism, advice, and even will pay attention to downright nasty remarks!

Wish I knew what I am doing!

Thank you, heather, for your comments. It's nice to know I'm not alone with my freaky feelings! LOL

Surfing at Blog Explosion!

I have just spent most of the morning surfing Blog Explosion. I'm blown away by the variety of designs and professional-looking sites. Wow, wish I had enough smarts to redesign my site. Will have to work on that, I'm sure.

Someone (he shall remain nameless) told me that "blogging is addictive." Phew, that's for sure! I anxiously await getting blogged! How did this happen? Are my insecurities bringing forth this sudden need?

Think I will fix myself a cup of French Vanilla Cafe, eat another handful of Oreo double stuff, and worry about it later!

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. Hope you enjoy your day!