"If Only"

Good morning to Mary H., who was kind enough to post a message to me. In answer to your question about when do we stop grieving - I really don't know. However, I do know if we don't stop thinking and saying "If only," we will drive ourselves crazy.

I've been a widow for nine years now - and it isn't an easy way of life for me! My deceased husband made it possible for me to achieve a life-long dream - that of acquiring a college education. "If only" I hadn't spent so much time on my studies, "If only" I hadn't accepted the chance to be an exchange student overseas for six months, "If only" I hadn't insisted we move to my home after my graduation!

One week before graduation, my husband fell over dead in my arms while driving down the road at 55 miles per hour. The move was over, we were full of ourselves about what the future held in store for us, and happy that we would have a houseful of friends and family within the week to celebrate with us. There had been no warning of an impending heart attack - his last physical had been clean and the doc had told him "You have the heart of an 18-year old."

The overwhelming loneliness that washes over me when least expected is the hardest! My family is scattered to the winds, neighbors are so busy with their lives (so it should be) they don't notice I hardly ever leave the house, old age has crept up on me at a "fast gallop," and recovering from the second time I've fractured my pelvis has been a difficult challenge to overcome. I've managed to get through some of the stages of grieving - such as, anger at my husband for daring to die when he did, guilt because I believed his death was all my fault, and the "why me" syndrome! However, the loneliness is the most difficult for me to handle.

When does the grieving end? In my opinion, it doesn't really end - it just gets easier to bear as time goes on. What works for me might not work for anyone else, but when that loneliness invades my heart and soul, I try to think of the happy times I had with my hubby! He could make me laugh when I was in need of poking fun at myself. His chest-puffing pride in me made me feel special. Whenever I smell a rose, I recall the many times he brought me roses "Just because." When watching "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy," we competed mightily with each other and would laugh at each other's consternation when we were wrong! Crossword puzzles were always the personification of competition between us - with loser having to wash the dinner dishes. I hold on to the happiness we shared and try not to dwell on his shocking death. Not always an easy thing to do, I know. But, I have stopped challenging myself with "If only."