It doesn't get any easier!

Thank you to Kim for paying a visit to "Widow's Walk." In answer to your question, Kim, as per my title "It doesn't get any easier."

I've been widowed now for nine years and well-meaning friends and family members were quick to tell me shortly after my hubby's death "Time will help and things will get easier." How they knew that is beyond my feeble brain's ability to grasp, as none of them are neither widows nor widowers! Their message is not necessarily true nor complete in its context.

Within a very short span of time after my hubby's passing, I found myself totally alone. Family members scattered back to their various locations around the country and friends became invisible and unavailable. Although I have a very independent nature, I all of a sudden found myself no longer part of a "we" - it was now only "me." And, I still have trouble adjusting to that fact, even after nine long years.

Going out to eat, paying the bills, going for long drives, finding interesting yard sales and antique shops, attending a play, visiting friends, going to church , having long and interesting conversations, crossword puzzles, Jeopardy, bowling, sitting on the front porch with the first cup of coffee - meant much more to me when I was part of a "we."

Once I became a widow, I learned who my true friends really were. Those I once thought would be there no matter what have fallen by the wayside. However, I am proud to say I've made new friends in these past nine years. Even so, I don't seem to fit as nicely into any particular or comfortable niche as a widow. As a result, I found myself withdrawing more and more into myself. That's when I forced myself to get "out and about." I joined a volunteer group which I enjoyed for a couple of years until politics, jealousy, and stupidity of some of the members proved to me that group wasn't where I needed to be.

So, I went back to work (I'm a retired accountant) part-time! Once again I was in my own element, but as a "me" only. Had nobody to tell about the crazy lady who keeps all of her receipts in a pair of ratty panty hose, the small business owner who is convinced the CIA, FBI, and IRS have his phones tapped, and the wonderful old gentleman who always brings me a rose in payment for doing his taxes!

But, I was at least keeping my mind active! I learned how to create and digitize embroidery designs - a passion with me now. I took up knitting again - work with intricate designs which require me to count every stitch in order for the patterns to work out correctly. I write in my journal every day - at the end of each year I read all of the entries. Find myself wondering what in the world was wrong with me "that day!"

I can honestly say it's not getting any easier - life is certainly different now and I find myself adjusting to it, but I would be lying if I were to say I like it. It would be nice to be part of a "we" again, but at my age (I will be 70 years old in a matter of days) I believe I have become more discerning and particular about who the other part of "we" should be! I can't be a nurse with a purse because I live on a tight budget on a fixed income, and I don't want to be someone else's concubine (at my age, wouldn't that be a hoot!).

I know many other widows who seem to have their ducks in a row and they tell me that their lives are easier. I can't help but wonder what their marriages were like! I still find myself talking to Kerm as if he were alive and well. And, I know whenever I pick up a crossword puzzle book he assists with the completion of a puzzle! Kim, it doesn't get easier, it's just different!

Wease has had her say!