Curiousity killed the cat!

I remember my grandmother (my father's mother) whom I had to call "Nana," often referred to me as being CURIOUS. And she didn't mean I was an inquisitive little girl, either! She meant it as an insult - although I wasn't aware of that fact until I became an adult. Then it was too late to ask her why she thought that of me - she had already passed on to Mean Nana Land by that time!

Strange how the definition of a word can become garbled, depending on where you live and the culture of your individual family unit. Curious was used also to mean odd, strange, weird, and even worse - stupid! As a little kid, I thought it was catamount to meaning something doubtful about my parentage! How stupid!

My Nana was definitely an odd person - she didn't like anyone! She lived for her beer, cigarettes, and Wrassling! I don't remember ever hearing her say anything nice about anyone or anything - except her beer, cigarettes, and Wrassling. She was a tall, angular woman with a sternness about her nobody dared challenge - except for my Dad (her favorite kid). How odd!

One time, the whole family went to Nana's (we never included Grandpa - it was always to Nana's) to celebrate her birthday. We brought her the required presents - a case of her favorite beer and a carton of Lucky Strikes. As a special surprise, Dad had bought her a new television (albeit black and white 'cuz color TV wasn't the going thing then) with a wonderful set of powerful rabbit ears. According to Nana, "The beer wasn't cold enough, the cigarettes were stale, and the TV wasn't any use to her that night because Wrassling isn't on until tomorrow." Grandpa wasn't permitted to touch the existing TV which held a place of honor on the breakfront separating the dining room and living room. He was thrilled that Nana had a new TV, he took the old one into the basement to watch what he wanted to watch - he hated Wrassling! How strange!

Grandpa was a timer at the local Sulky track - and on occasion, he would take me with him to sit beside him while he clicked his stop watch to record the times of the winning horses. How I loved going to the track with him. And how he loved getting away from Nana! He was SOMEBODY at the track! At home, he might as well have been invisible. How curious!

Thankfully, I never had to spend much time in Nana's presence. To say I didn't like her very much would be a complete understatement of fact! She would pull my hair and box my ears just because! No talking allowed at Nana's - even if the TV was off! Had to sit in a straight-back kitchen chair with my back to her so she wouldn't have to look at my curiousity! Never did know why she disliked me so much, but I can guarantee you, I never was curious enough to ascertain why!

Some Random Thoughts

I'm surprised at how much less my telephone is ringing these days. It almost seems as if being less than my best where my health is concerned, I'm now on the gone and forgotten list. E-mails have fallen off drastically, as well.

Must add, though, one friend has been faithful to call regularly to check on me and to report progress on his "journey of happiness." It's always a delight to talk to him and he makes me feel a part of his life.

Miss Freckles has not been happy with my cane at all! Apparently she believed it to be less than desirable to her and she nipped at it as I limped through the house while using it. While I was brushing her yesterday, I rubbed the dead fur the brush removed from her all over my cane. Today, as I made use of my wonderful extra tool, she made no effort to come near the cane or my feet. I amaze myself sometimes!

Fella who dumped me because of being a "sicky" contacted me yesterday! Sent me an e-mail to apologize for being such a P---K! (His word, not mine) Not sure what to make of it all, but am very wary. Alert, Alert antennae are up and working overtime!

A grand-daughter is getting married in October in Gatlinburg. Received my invitation in the mail yesterday. Hope I will be fit enough to attend - have wanted to go to Gatlinburg ever since moving to the South many moons ago. Of course, will enjoy the wedding, too! Somehow that just didn't come out quite right!

Fell off the "no smoking" wagon BIG TIME - but, back on it again. Nerves were completely shattered and could not resist buying a pack. They were smoked up a week ago - and the urge is still as strong as ever to have a smoke!! Will it never get better?

I miss you

Although you've been gone over six years, dear friend, you are constantly in my heart and mind. I lied when I told you "It's okay to let go." Selfishly, I didn't want you to go, because I would be left alone.

The last time I saw you before that terrible day, we held each other's hand and spoke of happy times we had together. It was difficult for me to feel anything other than the shards of pain within my deepest being to watch you slip away from me much too soon.

I can still hear you spouting off one of your favorite expressions whenever I called you a banty rooster. Your bright black eyes would sparkle like newly polished diamonds as you pretended to be angry with me and said "I"m gonna slap you!" Every time I stand at my kitchen sink to wash a few dishes by hand I can hear you and me laughing like two teenagers at something completely silly and immature as we would clean up after sharing many meals together! We could spend all day working side by side in one of your husband's attempts at business and then go shopping together or sit together working on one of our various craft projects in the evenings - never running out of "stuff" to say to each other. We could never get it all said.

You never once strayed from your faith. It was as a result of you and the example you set with your life that I found faith for myself - how you celebrated for me!

We truly believed we sounded terrific when we sang together - nobody will ever convince me otherwise, either. We never emptied a room, though, did we? How proud of me you were when I enrolled in college, even though it meant not seeing each other as often as we both would have liked. Although you were very ill, you insisted on coming to my graduation. As a surprise for me, you had your son tape the entire ceremony and he gave me the tape a few months before you passed away. How I treasure that tape - I view it often just to see you smiling at me and hear you saying "I 'm proud of you, dear friend."

I hope I told you often enough how much you meant to me, Liz.

Who stole my so-called "Golden Years?"

Haven't blogged in a while because of many reasons. I've been more than a little depressed, stressed, and otherwise upset because of the turn of events which have occurred recently. I told myself - "Self, stop it." But, self refuses to listen to me.

Depression hasn't ever been my forte. It's always been rather difficult to get this old gal down, much less keep me there. But, not being able to do things like I used to has really set me back on my heels - figuratively speaking, of course. Haven't had another heart episode, but the one on Friday night/Saturday morning gave me an inordinate fright for some reason. Lack of sleep compiled with trip to get a cane, and then having a meeting with a couple of the guys from the company seemed to completely sap me of energy. Sunday, all I did was lay around - had no gumption to do anything requiring mental or physical prowess. To say I was down in the dumps is putting it mildly.

As for stress - it seems as if the least little thing can stress me out these days. Don't understand this at all. I've always performed well under pressure and stress, but nowadays handling anything stressful knocks me backwards three steps for each step forward. What's the deal here, anyway? Can't be that age is catching up with me, could it? Health isn't all that bad that I should be stressed, is it? I have lots of things I want to accomplish, and yet those goals seem to be completely out of reach for me - mentally, as well as physically. That absolutely sucks, I don't mind saying.

And, I'm upset with myself for letting the above bother me as much as it does.

It certainly behooves me to add that my friends have offered me a wealth of support and comfort. Why hasn't my family? Because I've not told them. Why not, you might ask? Hmmm, let me count the ways they would attempt to box me in, boss me around, and then tell me "You've overcome worse than this, Mom, and this you shall also conquer!" Or is that me telling them that? Don't want to be smothered with pity, sympathy, and all that jazz! I just wanna be able to be me for as long as is possible for me to be me.