Who or What am I?

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about some of the titles I've held throughout my life. Think I will list some, if not most, of them here and now.

I came into the world as daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and grand-daughter. Progressively, I became nuisance, cow milker, tree climber, horse rider, swimmer, and then - oh horrors, a teen-ager! Suddenly, I found myself as soda jerk, baby sitter, softball pitcher, basketball player, aunt, receptionist, file clerk, and then, and then, wife, daughter-in-law, and sister-in-law!

Soon, I became a secretary, then bookkeeper and joy of joys, mother, as well as world traveler. New titles became Mom, (distraught and grieving mother at loss of second-born son), Mommy, and again distraught and grieving mother at loss of only daughter. My favorite title as mother was Muv, but once again I became a totally grief-stricken mother at the needless death of my 4th son at the hands of a drunk driver!

Next, I received two titles - divorcee and single parent! Became independent and only wage earner, manager, self-employed, baseball mom, football mom, band booster, cab driver, cook (oh my, the many young'uns for whom I cooked!), "you don't understand person," and once again, wife as well as step mom! My life took a sudden turn when once again I became a divorcee, single parent, and cross-country truck driver! Where that came from, just don't ask!

Once kids became self-sufficent, I took on the title of administrative assistant - but must note herein, never gave up my self-employment opportunities as bookkeeper! And wonderfully, I became grand-mother.

My soul mate came into my life, and once again I became wife, daughter-in-law, and sister-in-law! One day, I found myself as an undergraduate student at a full-fledged and accredited university, exchange student, reporter on life in Amsterdam, friend to hundreds of students from all over the world who thought I should be learning basket weaving instead of attending university in my late 50s.!

Soon, I became property owner, part-time receptionist, full-time self employed, great-aunt, great-grandmother, and widow!

As I take a gander over my shoulder at all the things I've done, all the wonderful people I've met and came to know, the memorable places I've visited, the joys and sorrows encountered, and the tastes and smells of foods from all over the world (some of which you wouldn't have found me putting in my mouth EVER!), I truly believe I've had about as much pleasure and cried as many tears as any one person could expect to have in one lifetime.

Regrets? Not really, because from each mistake and/or tragedy, I learned valuable lessons and became a much stronger person! Would I want to do it all over again? At one time, I thought maybe I would, but sanity returned immediately! The past cannot be changed or altered in any way - if I didn't learn from the past, I've been a failure! If I've learned, I may not be a magnificent success, but I faced the world with bravado and said, "Come on, give me your best shot, I can take it!"

Who am I? Gram, good friend, neighbor, mother, and I'm me the best way I know how to be.

What am I? Honest, truthful, kind, sentimental, caring, and widow! Widow doesn't describe who I am, it is merely another definition of what I am!

For some reason I felt the need to post this today - I believe it was to help me more than anyone else! Mickey Finn is through now!

Strength is much more than muscle power !

It never ceases to amaze me at the strength we have when we are our most confused or feel at our very weakest - mentally and physically! This posting is especially for cydne and Beth - thank you for your postings to my blog.

About a year before my husband died, a mutual friend of ours lost his wife in a tragic accident. His grief was most palpable and we felt such sorrow for him. Imagine our shock when, within less than three months, he remarried. At the time, I just could not understand! However, a few months after I lost my husband, I suddenly got very smart about his situation. I now can undersand when he said "I just can't be alone and my wife was such a good friend of hers that it just seemed the natural thing to do." That was almost eleven years ago and he and his wife are very happy and love each other very much.

From somewhere within ourselves, during our confusion, grief, anger, guilt, and loneliness, we find a mighty strength to face a different way of life. Often, the aloneness is overwhelming, yet we strive forward the best way we know how in an attempt to maintain order. Family, friends, acquaintances - even an old biddy who posts well-intentioned messages on her blog - cannot ease the pain. We have to do that by calling on the strength we just can't seem to believe we have!

We should never judge ourselves for what we feel, believe, want, need, or seek. Happiness cannot be measured on any kind of meter, my friends. Happiness is so very personal - what makes me happy would probably not do the same for you! Comfort food makes me happy - puts a smile on my face and a warmth in my belly. Finding a great bargain at a thrift store or yard sale makes me grin from ear to ear! Listening to a baby laugh gives me great joy! Seeking happiness, in any form, is not a crime against society!

The confusion we often feel about our emotional status can cause us pain and severe bouts of guilt. We allow this to happen ! We often think that because someone else cares about us that we are committing a terrible sin! Drive this out of your head immediately! Yes, our hearts are on our sleeves and we are very vulnerable - doesn't change much over time, either. A kind word can set me off into bouts of tears. When someone does something unexpected to help me, I find myself wishing I had done that myself because I don't want to be a burden! You see what I mean? Then, I mentally beat myself about my head and shoulders to make me realize that's the vulnerabilty I still feel making me crazy!

As each day passes, you will find yourself stronger than the day before - little things that used to bring a tear to your eyes will now cause you to chuckle a little bit. Chores you found difficult to do will now be a challenge you want to face and accomplish! People from whom you found yourself withdrawing will become welcome and dearest of friends. You will find yourself having more patience with family and friends who "just don't understand."

What does this all boil down to? Strength from within, which will serve you well. Call on that strength, as it is your greatest ally.

Mickey Finn has spouted off - again!