Take a walk in my shoes !

It seems the older I get, the more vivid my memories become. A psychiatrist would more than likely profoundly proclaim such is not the case - it's merely selective memory! Somehow, I doubt this learned person would enjoy taking a stroll through my lifetime with my shoes pinching his/her feet!

My oldest son is 51 - he's a user, a moocher, and in general likes to pose with his hand held out for someone to place whatever he desires there, preferably money! My second son would have been 49 next month - he died from acute respiratory infection at the age of three months. Son number three is 46 - got kicked out of the Air Force Academy for disciplinary infractions and truly believes he's perfect in every way. He gave away his three daughters for adoption to his ex-wife and her new husband so he wouldn't have to pay child support! Fourth son is 44 - he's a giant of a man, with a gentle nature and a boundless love for animals and the underdogs of the world! Child number 5 was my only daughter, who would have been 41 last month. She passed away from what was then called "Crib Death," but is now known as SIDS at the age of 4 months. Fifth son would have been 39 this month. He was killed in our front yard by a drunk teenaged driver who lost control of his car. Each birthday and death day is emblazened in my mind and heart.

It never ceases to amaze me how three boys, who were raised with the same values and morals, turned out so different from each other! Over the years I have lived with a sense of guilt that "I must have done something wrong." However, when grandchildren started coming along, I noticed those same values and morals were being taught to them! Where and why did their fathers stray from them?

Some of my fondest memories are of my grandmother (on my mother's side of the family), who taught me how to over come the abuse dealt out to me by my alcoholic parents . Without her love and kindness, there's no telling what kind of a person I would have turned out to be. I was seven years old when she died at the age of 47 from cancer. Her memory is as clear as if she were still alive and sitting here reading what I'm typing!

I'm an abysmal failure at marriage. My first husband abused me and his children (all six were conceived with him). He convinced me thoroughy that I didn't need friends, was as stupid at a rock, uglier than dirt, and deserved punishment to keep me in line. I never complained to anyone and protected the children as much as possible. One day, however, something within me snapped! I gathered up the kids, our clothes, and walked out - never looking back! Within three months, I was divorced and was working three jobs to keep a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and clothes on our backs. The kids and I were free from abuse!

Nearly five years later I fell hard for a guy who (it took me a while to realize) would climb a tree to tell a lie as to stay on the ground and tell the truth! He was a womanizer - would bring his paramours into my home and my bed while I was at work! When I caught him with one of them - came home early from work because I had the flu - he thought he could whip me. Little did he know I had made an oath that no man would ever again lay a hand on me in a violent manner - I swung an unopened cold drink at him and cold cocked him! He was gone within a matter of hours! However, he was kind enough to leave his mother with me to take care of - she was then in the first stages of Alzheimer's Disease and the kids were all grown and gone from the home. I took care of her for two years (24/7) with no help, and ended up broke because it took all of my savings to take proper care of her.

I have a small home on 21 acres +/- for which I've worked very hard to maintain and keep for these past 20 years (thank goodness it's paid for). Husband number 3 came on the scene and we both wanted companionship more than romance. For nearly 5 years, my deceased husband made some of my dreams come true. I learned he truly loved me - for me! I one day gave him an ultimatum - you can't have both me and the booze, one of them has to go. He chose me!! I have a college education because of him - who would have ever thunk it ! For nearly five years I knew security, peace, happiness, comfort, love, new friends, travel, and much, much laughter! A wise lady told me I at least have those years to cling to in my memory! She further stated not everyone has even half of what I had during that short period of time!

Wonder of wonders, friends from all over the world remember me on my birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, and New Year's Day to chat and catch up on the latest news - I might hear from two sons once during the year (one to borrow money I don't have and the other to brag about what a perfect specimen he is). They don't seem to realize how much they mean to me and how hungry I am to hear them say to me "I love you." Youngest son stays in close contact with me by phone and e-mail and always signs off with "I love you, Mom."

Let that psychiatrist tell me about "selective memory." Yep, my memory is so selective i can recall the good as well as the bad. I've learned from both - mighty lessons I've learned. Wonder if anyone would want to have walked in my shoes?

Mickey Finn is in a very somber mood today.