A saint he wasn't!

My thanks to Terri and Cydne for their posts to my blog! This message is for the both of you and please, give what I have to say a great deal of thought!

Widowhood is not any fun, of that we are most aware. Whether our husbands died suddenly or as a result of a long-term illness, the tragedy is still there and very real to us. No words can explain to anyone how we feel about our loss. All we know is all of a sudden we no longer have our spouse there to yell at, complain about, fight with, love dearly, cook for, do things with, and all the many small times we came to hold dear!

My husband was driving our pickup truck with a load of "stuff" for the dump, when he gasped and fell over dead in my arms while driving about 55 miles per hour. Through the blur of that day, all I can remember is screaming, "You can't do this to me, we've made so many plans!!" Later, I recall thinking "how very selfish of me to have that statement come out of my mouth as my husband lay dead in my arms." There is no accounting for our immediate reaction when confronted with a tragedy.

Oftentimes, after the death of a spouse, we who are left behind tend to create an image of him as one close to sainthood! I fell into that trap myself. I found myself forgetting the times he made me so durned angry when he nit-picked everything I did because he either couldn't work outside because of the weather or was just plain bored! We both enjoyed doing crossword puzzles, and he had the habit of attempting to finish MY puzzles - which drove me up a wall! Sometimes his practical jokes were not really funny to me, and he would pout for days on end because I didn't react the way he thought I should have! He would leave a trail of his clothing from the front door to the bedroom when he came home from work - believing it was my job to pick them up for him! Oh my, but that would really drive me nuts, until I finally learned to ignore the mess and he would take care of the chore!

I held on tightly to ONLY the good things about him - he never lied to me, he absolutely adored me, he had a quick wit, was as smart a man as I've ever met in my life and challenged me mentally, he was a romantic, brought me flowers "just because," bragged about me to anyone who would listen to him as if I were some kind of goddess or something, and he made me laugh at life and most of all, at myself! Plus, many other wonderful attributes were my saving grace, or so I thought!

By building up only his goodness, I forgot he was a mere human being, with foibles, quirks, and faults which made him uniquely HIM! He never professed to be perfect, but I tried to turn him into perfection after his death! Also, I thought I could not go on without him - no way, no how! I truly believed my life had ended with his. How very wrong I was!

It will soon be ten years since my husband's death. The fact that I'm not a part of "we" anymore is still difficult for me. Many days the loneliness and ALONENESS are overpowering to me and I have to force myself to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, so that I don't dwell on it and become overly depressed. Depression and despair are faithful enemies - they lurk everywhere during every activity! Succumbing to these foes is not an option, do you hear me?

It took me quite a while to realize my husband was not perfection personified and I quit trying to convince others (as well as myself) he was a saint while alive. That is a lie from the pits of Hell itself! I hate being so blunt, but I am trying to let those who may read this posting see their deceased spouses as human beings they loved and lost - not as a saint on earth!

I loved my husband dearly and miss him mightily, but a saint he wasn't!

Mickey Finn is through!