Hope this helps

In my opinion, there is no book and probably never will be a book which explains fully "How to be a Widow!" Each situation is singular! Grieving, anger, jealousy, guilt, pain, and loneliness are dealt with in different ways and times.

In an earlier post, I pontificated about how difficult it is to transition from being part of a "we" to being only a "me." The comfort of being part of a couple is no longer available to a widow, no matter how long the marriage! Sailing the sea of life alone now is overpowering and often seems to be completely without purpose. Niggardly thoughts of giving in to the grief by just giving up on having any more happiness in life haunt widows, especially during the nights when sleep will not offer surcease, when going to buy groceries seems senseless, and the worst, thinking it will be much easier to just lay down and die would be an easy way out!

Friends and family do their very best to offer sympathy and assistance to us at the time of the death and funeral. More often than not, however, we realize "Hey, I'm all alone here !" It's not that friends and family don't care - they don't understand how difficult a process it is for us to cope. My friends and family are so inured to the fact that I've always been a STRONG person and very independent they forget how much they are needed for an occasional phone call, e-mail, or a short visit.

Sometimes we find ourselves gravitating towards a man who has shown us kindness, offered comfort, and been very supportive during an unbearable time! No guilt nor shame needs to arise as a result of this! Why? The proverbial old adage of "Life goes on" applies here. Because our spouse died does not mean we did too! Yes, a part of us seems to have gone on to be with our departed loved one! But, we have been left behind to deal with all the decisions concerning finances, home repairs, auto maintainance, yard work - EVERYTHING!

I have had to learn the hard way to ask for help when it is needed. When I was 65 years of age, I found myself re-shingling my roof all by myself. Nobody offered to help me because I didn't ask! I painted the inside and outside of my home, rewired the garage so I could move my sewing parphenalia out of the spare room, and taught myself how to replumb my kitchen sink - all because I didn't ask for help. Independence can go too far sometimes - I had to learn from experience to not be overly proud of mine !

We should never feel guilty if we look for comfort, kindness, gentleness, understanding, and companionship from any source - even another man! Dying is not an option for us - we have been left behind for a purpose. We may not know or understand what that purpose is, but it surely is not to grieve ourselves to death! As each day passes, life becomes more precious to us, believe me when I say this! Baby steps forward into what remains of our lives opens new doors to adventure, challenges, and yes, even comfortableness.

Happiness is not unattainable! We make our own happiness with a positive attitude and looking forward instead of back over our shoulders. Saying "if only" or "woulda, coulda, shoulda" doesn't get it! Goals set may not be reached, but striving for goals (or dreams) is not being unreasonable, it's a natural part of our lives! Don't give up on yourself, EVER! Stand up straight, shoulders back, stomach in, chest out, and face the world with daring. You will be surprised at how much easier facing the unknown becomes!

I try to do something nice for myself every day. Little things which make me feel good about myself that wouldn't mean a thing to anyone else. I eat a piece of dark chocolate, call a friend to just say hello, play with my dog, soak in an extravagant bubble bath, play games online, post an occasional message here, take a nap, splurge on something expensive at the grocery store (that's not heard to do these days!), learn a new word and use it correctly - some little thing which helps me feel better about myself or which gives me pleasure!

It is my sincere desire that this post will help someone.