Being a widow is ....
At one time, on an 11-mile strip of 222, there were 17 widows and I was and still am the youngest one! Now, there are 6 of us left! Kinda scary, huh?
Shortly after my husband's death, there was always someone popping in to check on me. Neighbors, friends, and family members. It seemed like I'd never have a moment to myself to be...whatever. As time passed, however, the stream of people turned into a trickle and now? Well, suffice it to say I haven't seen any of my neighbors in over four years. I can see two of my neighbor's houses from my front yard - it's not that they live a "fur piece" away from me.
I get telephone calls instead of visits. With the price of gas these days, that is understandable! And, I appreciate hearing from these folks, believe me. But, there is something alien to me about holding a phone to my ear and attempting to feel connected to people who had been so important to me years ago. Have I become the obligatory callee once a month or so?
Now, I've been giving my status in the scheme of life a lot of thought lately. And, my conclusion is this - being a widow sucks! Plain enough for ya? Alone isn't so bad - I've felt and been more or less alone most of my life. But the loneliness is downright unbearable most of the time.
That's one reason why I am pleased a friend turned me on to blogging. I can express myself here without worrying about hurting someone's feelings. Many of the people I know only know how to send e-mail and that's about it !
This computer is my lifeline. I've learned how to create and digitize embroidery designs, which I sell on my website. I play word games on Pogo and chat with people I will never meet. As clerk of my state guard unit, I am responsible for e-mailing members with news about up-coming events, preparing reports and sending them to the appropriate sections, and tons of paperwork whenever new recruits join up! I keep in contact with many people about whom I care via e-mail, because their lives are so busy with careers and families, and they live too far away for them to visit me or me to visit them.
Have you ever fixed a pot of beans, or spaghetti sauce, or chili, or meat loaf, or anything that could be classified as a meal for ONE PERSON? Have you ever felt spiritually, emotionally stifled because there's nobody to talk to? Have you ever just chattered away like a magpie at strangers at Wal Mart because of being hungry for communicating one-on-one with SOMEONE? Have you ever thought what good am I to anyone because you honestly feel like there isn't anyone who REALLY cares or understands?
Well, I can tell you, it is absolutely terrifying. Thankfully, I don't feel like that often enough for it to be worrying to me. It's happened enough for me to realize at this point in my life I've gotta accept my situation - but, it doesn't mean I've gotta do it gracefully!