Thursday, June 23, 2005

We are what we are because we want to be!

I recently read an article wherein a man blamed the fact that he is a murderer on being abused as a child! Excuse Me? That's a crock!

It's a matter of choice - he chose to become a predatory beast. The blame lies within himself - not on what happened to him as a child. Our prisons are full of bad people who absolutely refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. It's much easier to blame someone or something else.

I'm not just rambling on here. I speak from experience. I am the product of very abusive parents who were alcoholics to boot. Until I was seven years old, my only saving grace was my maternal grandmother. But, she lived on the farm - many hours away from me and wasn't there to help me when I was beaten, taken from the home, returned to the home because my mother was such a good actress, taken to the hospital innumerable times with broken bones, etc., etc., etc. I vividly recall the time my mother put me into the oven and closed the door - left me there for what seemed like days, but was about 2 hours. All because she didn't like the way I had looked at her! To this day, NOBODY had better try to close me up - don't lock me in anywhere. It will be ugly!

We lived right on the coast - how I loved (and still do) the ocean. It was my best friend. There was an outcropping of rocks we all called "Whale's Back" that never quite got covered up when the tide was high. That was my "special place." I would go there when the tide was low, regardless of the weather, and stay until the water soothed and calmed me enough for me face going back to the house. Many times I would have to stay there until the tide once again got low enough for me to walk on dry land back to the shore. Nobody ever learned of my haven, and I of course, never told anyone! I can still go to that place and be healed - I've not seen Whale's Back since I left home over five decades ago!

My first marriage to a controlling and abusive man was a natural recourse for me, or so I thought at the time. day, I'd had enough. Gathered the kids, walked away, and never looked back. It never occurred to me to become what my parents or husband had been - my spirit had never been broken enough for me to succumb to that lure.

My grandmother once told me (I must have been about six years old at the time) "We are what we are because we want to be." Little did I know how prophetic those words were to become for me. I only knew I didn't want to be an abusive, controlling, hateful, mean, alcoholic clone of my parents. My inborn independent spirit rebelled against all those things, plus many more. Whatever I am today isn't because of my childhood, it's because I chose to be what I am!


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