Monday, September 05, 2005

Another sleepless night

It's nearly one o'clock in the morning and a long time until daylight makes an appearance. I slept for a little while, but something caused me to wake up crying. I found myself turning on every light in the house, which hasn't helped ease this oppressive and overpowering feeling of... what exactly, I can't seem to reason through.

Before falling asleep earlier, I shed a few tears of joy and thankfulness because someone, whom I barely know, played Good Samaritan today and cleaned up all the tree limbs from my yard. It was a wonderful surprise, upon taking Miss Freckles outside, to find my yard all cleaned up - especially since I'd been home all day and neither Miss Freckles nor I heard the slightest sound. This kindness surely hasn't caused me to awaken in such a state, I wouldn't think. And, I haven't eaten anything unusual which would have resulted in my having a frightening dream. Further, if I dreamed anything, I don't recall it!

Yet, since awakening I've been unable to stop sobbing.

Many times this has happened to me. When I speak of it, I hear "If you had a clear conscience you would be able to sleep," or "Maybe you're depressed and need medication," or "Take a sleeping pill before going to bed every night," or "Find yourself a good man," or some such inane advice which is supposed to make me feel better.

Maybe all that's wrong is I need a good cry?

However, I cry at when I see movies or hear stories or read reports about happy endings, sad endings, tales about animals, kids, love stories, successes, failures - you name it, I cry. Cruelty of one human to another will make me cry in utter despair.

If someone says something kind to me or does something nice for me, I cry. Yet, if someone says something hurtful or does something mean to me, I can feel my backbone tightening in an effort to strengthen my resolve to not show any emotion, much less cry.

Wish I could fathom the depths of my mind to ascertain why I have nights like this one. Wish I had someone to talk to when I awaken in this state of mind. Maybe I just hit on the cause - there's nobody here! There hasn't been anybody here for seven years - get used to it!

5 Comments:

Blogger Mama Mouse said...

My first thought is that something you dreamed triggered the tears. I am a very emotional person and I can make myself cry at the drop of a hat ... commercials make me cry ... words said can make me cry. ANYTHING can make me cry ... and not just silent tears ... big racking sobs!

I've woken up from dreams that I remember having, but not what they were about ... and I'll be crying and sobbing.

I don't know that it makes any difference WHAT triggered the tears. The fact that you are crying means you are releasing some kind of emotion. Loneliness can be a cause. But joy can also make a person cry.

Crying isn't a bad thing ... it helps to heal our souls. You have a lot on your plate and I think that you should allow yourself to be sad and shed tears whenever you need to. If you are trying to withold them ... to stem the tide so to speak ... perhaps in your sleep your unconcious mind allows you to release them.

We all NEED to cry ... though I agree sometimes you can feel like you cry too much!

Cry away dear ... its a release and it is OK! The tears will dry up ... and you can move ahead ... till the next time. Just don't be afraid of them.

3:20 AM PDT  
Blogger Patty said...

I can't add anymore then what mama mouse has already said. We all need a good cry now and then, even men and boys, not just us women and girls.

Hang in there. Tomorrow is just around the corner.

8:44 AM PDT  
Blogger Milt Bogs said...

Hi there Mickey_Finn. It's good to be able to cry from time to time. It clears the tubes. I just keep thinking about the lady who sorted the pain in the ass guy at that party. Time to find her again M_F.

5:32 PM PDT  
Blogger T.B.H. said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:28 AM PDT  
Blogger T.B.H. said...

Just found your blog. I'm having the same problem, see:

http://theasramblings.blogspot.com/

for the post dated 5.15.2010.

I haven't been widowed quite as long as you, it's only been 9 months for me, but I feel your anxiety and pain. It's the stress of not sleeping that can cause the sleeplessness. So the trick is to relax, shrug your shoulders, think, "It's going to be a long night", and read for awhile. I drink some warm milk flavored with anise, and before I know it, I'm ready to try again. Doesn't always work, some nights I'm awake a lot! Just know you aren't the only one out there!

6:30 AM PDT  

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