Widow's Walk

What to do about the "Wall of China"

2009-05-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person who is noticing what is going on in our country these days? Have I been living in a fool's world longer than I care to admit to myself, or to anyone else, for that matter? I alone cannot do much to right any perceived wrongs within our country's borders, but I can take this opportunity to spout off about them to whomever might choose to read this!

Next time you go shopping for groceries, clothing, elctronics, small home appliances, shoes, automobiles - whatever, take a closer look at the labels proclaiming from whence these items either are maufactured or where the home office of the company is located! Also, please take note of the smaller packages containing less weight for more cost to you, the sonsumer!

The dog food I always have purchased for my precious Miss Freckles used to come in eight-pound bags for a reasonable price (for my pocket book, anyway). Now, the same size bag only contains seven pounds for $1.50 more! Cereals are in smaller boxes for higher prices. Have you noticed how thin the sliced cheese has become? One can nearly read the newspaper through the slices! The packaging has gotten thicker to make it look like you are getting the same amount of cheese, and the price has increased 20% - guess we have to pay for all that expensive plastic wrap!

Produce which used to arrive at our grocery stores used to have been raised by farmers in America. Now, fruits and vegetables come from everywhere EXCEPT America and so expensive one can't begin to eat according to the government's accepted Pyramid of Food!

I've found canned goods with "China" emblazoned on the lid or bottom of the can! Toys and games come into our stores from China! It is difficult to find clothing that doesn't bear the "Made in China" label affixed! I wasn't one bit surprised to see "Made in China" proudly displayed on the equipment required for my fast internet service! Holy Cow, walk through the electronics section of any store and you might just be taken aback to learn how much of that merchandise is "Made in China." Talk about the Wall of China!

Have you visited one of the hundreds of so-called Mini Mart/Gas Stations lately? Who are managing the majority of these name-brand institutions? Not Americans, my friend. Our country is being sold off slowly but surely to China, Japan, India, all of the Mid-East countries, Mexico, Germany, France - you name it, there's not a country which doesn't own a huge chunk of our nation.

I can remember the days when it mattered to the citizens of the United States of America to "Buy American." I also can remember the days when a man or a woman took pride in his/her job because it was honest work for honest pay! The days of the little guy making good are over in this country and the big corporations could care less about the welfare of their employees!

Who's to blame for the fix in which we now find ourselves. We are - we the people! We have become complacent little sheep who will follow the leaders into the chasm of ruin without even going baa, baa, baa! Each of us has a voice, but none of us wants to say anything or do anything because "I'm only one person, what can I do and what difference can I make?" I'm an old lady and I'm glad to be on the down side of life. We are heading for the toilet folks, and I don't want to be around to watch it happen.

Mickey Finn is despondent.

Welcome to the 21st Century!

2009-04-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

I'm as giddy as a kid expecting Christmas to arrive soon! Within the next couple of months I will no longer have to rely upon this terribly slow dial-up internet connection - I will have broadband service ! Hooray, Yippee, Eureka!!

It's been horrible for many years having to surf the internet, access my favorites, and visit via e-mail with my friends utilizing my dial-up service! Not that I haven't been grateful to have internet access, mind you - because I have been and still am! But, dial-up service limits one so!

In one way or another, I've been involved with computers since the early 1980s. The very first computer with which I worked was a humongous Litton 3-tape drive monster, which had to be kept at a certain temperature all of the time. It filled the room in which I worked, leaving only enough space for me to scrunch into a chair to stare at a miniscule green screen! The printer, nearly as large as the computer, was in another room - wiring was a nightmare! Embarrassingly, I have to admit to crashing the accounting program innumerable times - thank goodness for backups and a very patient employer! When tax time rolled around, I had become an "old hand" at computing! Yeah, right!

Remember the "Tandy"? Oh my, I thought I'd really come up in the world when I opened my own office, with my own accounting program, and this wonderfully easy-to-use computer! Of course, there was no room on the so-called hard drive to save any data. The money I spent on 10" floppy disks would make a very nice nest egg for me now that I'm in my so-called "golden years!" Naturally, the screen was still that putrid green - made one's eyes feel as if they'd been pierced with thousands of pins and needles if one worked at it for more than an hour at a time! And, my dot-matrix printer NEVER gave me any trouble at all, you understand. Can't count the times I had to dig pager jams out of the middle of its jaws! Oh my, but those were the good old days! (sitting here chortling)

Then, I invested in a computer with (I think I remember this correctly) 100 meg of space on the hard drive and 64 meg of RAM. Still had to invest in floppy disks by the gazillion - 3" ones ! Windows 95 was so much more user friendly than that DOS system which had to have come from the mind of a completely insane computer geek who had nothing better to do with his time than make things difficult for the general computer-using public! But, I could now get on-line with something laughingly called a modem! My goodness, but in those days the internet was not only limited with available information, but difficult to connect to unless you were sure (completely sure) there was a site with an absolutely correct URL!

Since then, I believe I've had two other desk tops and two lap tops! I now have a Dell with a much larger hard drive than needed, an all in one printer that does everything but wipe my nose for me, and all kinds of gadgets and gizmos for perpherals. I'm beginning to catch up on some of the computer lingo, but much prefer English when chatting on line while I play in Pogo!

I've been told when I use my computer the first time after having broadband available to me, I will NEVER contemplate going back to dial-up again! Not that I plan on doing so anyway, you see! I've been hounding the powers that be in my area for nearly ten years to make this type of internet service available to those of us who live in rural areas - and it's finally coming true! Better late than never, is what I say!

Mickey Finn is counting the days until she can actually talk using VOIP!

Take a walk in my shoes !

2009-03-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

It seems the older I get, the more vivid my memories become. A psychiatrist would more than likely profoundly proclaim such is not the case - it's merely selective memory! Somehow, I doubt this learned person would enjoy taking a stroll through my lifetime with my shoes pinching his/her feet!

My oldest son is 51 - he's a user, a moocher, and in general likes to pose with his hand held out for someone to place whatever he desires there, preferably money! My second son would have been 49 next month - he died from acute respiratory infection at the age of three months. Son number three is 46 - got kicked out of the Air Force Academy for disciplinary infractions and truly believes he's perfect in every way. He gave away his three daughters for adoption to his ex-wife and her new husband so he wouldn't have to pay child support! Fourth son is 44 - he's a giant of a man, with a gentle nature and a boundless love for animals and the underdogs of the world! Child number 5 was my only daughter, who would have been 41 last month. She passed away from what was then called "Crib Death," but is now known as SIDS at the age of 4 months. Fifth son would have been 39 this month. He was killed in our front yard by a drunk teenaged driver who lost control of his car. Each birthday and death day is emblazened in my mind and heart.

It never ceases to amaze me how three boys, who were raised with the same values and morals, turned out so different from each other! Over the years I have lived with a sense of guilt that "I must have done something wrong." However, when grandchildren started coming along, I noticed those same values and morals were being taught to them! Where and why did their fathers stray from them?

Some of my fondest memories are of my grandmother (on my mother's side of the family), who taught me how to over come the abuse dealt out to me by my alcoholic parents . Without her love and kindness, there's no telling what kind of a person I would have turned out to be. I was seven years old when she died at the age of 47 from cancer. Her memory is as clear as if she were still alive and sitting here reading what I'm typing!

I'm an abysmal failure at marriage. My first husband abused me and his children (all six were conceived with him). He convinced me thoroughy that I didn't need friends, was as stupid at a rock, uglier than dirt, and deserved punishment to keep me in line. I never complained to anyone and protected the children as much as possible. One day, however, something within me snapped! I gathered up the kids, our clothes, and walked out - never looking back! Within three months, I was divorced and was working three jobs to keep a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and clothes on our backs. The kids and I were free from abuse!

Nearly five years later I fell hard for a guy who (it took me a while to realize) would climb a tree to tell a lie as to stay on the ground and tell the truth! He was a womanizer - would bring his paramours into my home and my bed while I was at work! When I caught him with one of them - came home early from work because I had the flu - he thought he could whip me. Little did he know I had made an oath that no man would ever again lay a hand on me in a violent manner - I swung an unopened cold drink at him and cold cocked him! He was gone within a matter of hours! However, he was kind enough to leave his mother with me to take care of - she was then in the first stages of Alzheimer's Disease and the kids were all grown and gone from the home. I took care of her for two years (24/7) with no help, and ended up broke because it took all of my savings to take proper care of her.

I have a small home on 21 acres +/- for which I've worked very hard to maintain and keep for these past 20 years (thank goodness it's paid for). Husband number 3 came on the scene and we both wanted companionship more than romance. For nearly 5 years, my deceased husband made some of my dreams come true. I learned he truly loved me - for me! I one day gave him an ultimatum - you can't have both me and the booze, one of them has to go. He chose me!! I have a college education because of him - who would have ever thunk it ! For nearly five years I knew security, peace, happiness, comfort, love, new friends, travel, and much, much laughter! A wise lady told me I at least have those years to cling to in my memory! She further stated not everyone has even half of what I had during that short period of time!

Wonder of wonders, friends from all over the world remember me on my birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, and New Year's Day to chat and catch up on the latest news - I might hear from two sons once during the year (one to borrow money I don't have and the other to brag about what a perfect specimen he is). They don't seem to realize how much they mean to me and how hungry I am to hear them say to me "I love you." Youngest son stays in close contact with me by phone and e-mail and always signs off with "I love you, Mom."

Let that psychiatrist tell me about "selective memory." Yep, my memory is so selective i can recall the good as well as the bad. I've learned from both - mighty lessons I've learned. Wonder if anyone would want to have walked in my shoes?

Mickey Finn is in a very somber mood today.

Why worry?

2009-02-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder why do I worry! What good does it do? To the best of my knowledge, none whatsoever! Yet, I find myself worrying about things over which I never could have any control!

For example, I worry about my kids. Doesn't help them the least bit and just puts me into a tizzy! None of them live near me, have very full lives of their own, and probably don't waste a moment of their time worrying about me. Hmm, where's the logic in that?

The weather has been inordinately cold here this winter and I worry about keeping warm enough and then adding more worry about my ability to pay the power bill! I'm perfectly capable of turning the thermostat down and putting on more clothes! Duhh!

More recently, however, I've found myself worrying about stupid things. Like, why is the law of physics so out of control that I drink two cups of coffee and P38? Why, all of a sudden, have I contracted the most disconcerting habit of burping (and rather loudly, I might add) after eating? Doesn't matter what I've eaten either - even do it after drinking a glass of milk, for Pete Sakes!!! Another thing that worries me is that I seem to have my days and nights mixed up. I do my best sleeping lately during the day and want to play on Pogo during the wee hours of the morning! Why this should bother me completely bumfuzzles me, as what difference does it make in the larger scheme of things?

I'm proud to announce, though, I've quit worrying about the wrinkles on my face and body! At my age, who the heck looks at me anyway? The latest fashions don't worry me one bit, either! I mean, blue jeans and a sweat shirt - comfortable - is the closest I get to making a fashion statement! As for makeup - well, we won't discuss how long it's been since I've used any! To what end? Just makes the wrinkles show up more ! Don't need that worry! So, when I'm out and about, I may have to rely on my cane for safety. It doesn't worry me that someone might think I'm old because I am! Worked hard to get here, thank you!

Friends have ever so politely suggested it might be a good idea to seek some companionship! Sorry, I'm laughing so hard at that proposal I might not be able to continue pontificating! (I could tell a few horror stories about those with whom I've been "fixed up!") I'm not worried about companionship - nobody would have me because I've become very set in my ways this past ten years and I'd be impossible to be around! Never was much to look at, even when I was younger. But, my motto was "I'd lots rather be ugly and smart than beautiful and dumb!" Yeah, right. Would have been nice to have been beautiful for just one day! But, haven't worried about that for many moons!

The moral of this posting is I've realized how wonderful life is and that living it is a terrific way to eliminate worrying! I'm thankful for each day I've been given, don't make any long range plans, and will make every effort possible to remove all forms of worrying from my life! Won't make any promises I will achieve this lofty goal, but don't count me out!

Mickey Finn is going to watch another movie on TCM. See you later!

It's the small things that matter the most!

2009-01-29T15:01:00.000-08:00

My thanks to "Elron" for the encouraging words posted to my blog! Time seems to slip away from me much too quickly - seems like my last post was just yesterday! Now I fully realize my age has definitely caught up with me!

The holidays were excruciating for me. Why? Don't really have an answer that makes much sense as these past holidays were no different than the previous nine had been! Spent them alone - well, not quite alone, had my faithful companion Freckles with me! But, the aloneness seemed much worse for some strange reason, and I let it get to me for a while. Would have thrown a pity party for myself, but was afraid nobody would attend!

During a difficult cold snap (difficult for the "Heart of Dixie", that is), I became most aware of the fact that what gives me the most joy, delight, and ultimate pleasure is the smallest of things. One evening, as I let Freckles out for her next to last "piddle" for the day, I stepped onto the front porch and viewed the most spectacular sunset ever! The red, purple, blue, mauve sky was a feast for the eyes. For the next few days, I made a point of going outside to view the sunsets which (in my opinion) were awe inspiring as a result of the extremely cold weather! I found myself saying thank you for the cold - without which my eyes wouldn't have viewed such awesome displays and my heart was uplifted each day!

While chatting with a friend on the telephone about some of our favorite foods, I mentioned how I hadn't enjoyed a meal of pinto beans in quite a while. The next evening, she brought me a bowl of pinto beans that had to have been the best I've ever eaten in my entire life! Was sorely tempted to lick the bowl, they were that good ! No way would anyone have been able to wipe the smile from my face that evening!

I've been leaving a handful of catfood on my patio table on the front porch for what I thought was a feral cat. Each morning, within a few minutes after rattling the box and making a huge display of placing the food on the table, the critter would skulk ever so carefully up onto my porch, leap gracefully onto the table, and very guardedly devour the food. This went on for about three weeks. Then, one morning, I was later than usual with the ritual and changed it slightly - without meaning to do so. I put the box of food inside the house, and proceeded out to the mailbox to see what bills might be waiting for me! As I walked back to the porch, the cat met me on the next to top step, meowed at me, and then rubbed against my leg whilst purring! I was able to pet the beauty before he (it is a he) sped away. So, each morning I look forward to a visit from Mr. Stranger! Brings a smile to my face and gives me a warmth all over!

I recently celebrated my 71st birthday - never thought I would live this long! I fixed a killer guacamole dip, baked some terrific brownies, and pigged out on "junk" practically all day! It was wonderful, especially when I realized I'm not taking ANY medications, am in fairly good shape for the shape I'm in, have most of my mental faculties working quite well, can eat whatever I want, and each day I'm given is a gift!

The pecan crop from my two trees was bountiful this year. I placed a sign on my fence informing anyone driving past to help themselves to the pecans. The squirrels got their fair share, as did the deer and the crows! But, a couple of my neighbors reaped the harvest as well, and brought me some individual pecan pies which have been lovingly placed in my freezer to enjoy whenever the urge strikes! Yum!

It's not much fun being a widow - that's for sure. Sometimes I find myself screaming inside of my head "Why did you die and leave me alone?" I have as yet to know the answer to that question. I DO know alone absolutely stinks and is unbearable. But, I also know I'm here for some reason and whatever it is, I need to spend more time looking for and enjoying the small wonders of good in my life rather than dwelling on the things that are bad and scary to and for me. A lot of times, that is easier said than done. All I can do is try to do the best I can with what time I have left to me and be thankful for the small things that become huge in their wonder and delight.

Mickey Finn has spouted off, AGAIN!

Sometimes down, but never out!

2008-10-21T02:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't help but wonder why things happen the way they do! For example, why did I have six children, only to bury three of them way before their time? Is it possible for us to have any control over our lives or do we just take the hands which are dealt to us and do our best to cope?

I certainly believe in God and His power in my life. I cannot begin to count the times over the years I've stated, "God looks after fools and drunks, and He's looked after this fool for many years!" After becoming a Christian, that mantra became even more viable to me!

During this, the most difficult phase of my life, I find myself more often than not in a very contemplative mood. Why am I still here? What is being planned for me? How much longer do I have to remain here on this old earth? If I could live my life over, would I change anything?

Then, I find myself in total amazement and awe because of my life and my achievements. They can't be held in my hands or displayed for others to see in a beautiful cabinet - they are probably meaningless to anyone other than me, too! My sons raised their children in the same manner as I raised them! Hmm, makes me realize I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT during their formative years ! My oldest son and his wife, along with five of my grandchildren are striving for college degrees as a result of my receiving a BBA at the ripe old age of 60! Their statements of "If Mom can do it and If Gram can do it so can I" create a warm spot in my heart!

Friends and acquaintances have told me how I influenced them to lose weight, stop drinking, quit smoking, get a hobby, love their children more, live life to the fullest! My goodness, as they tell me these things, I can't remember being such a paragon of virtue !! I've known all of my life I'm very opinionated, stubborn as a mule, independently natured, and very sentimental about stupid things! What happened during my travels through this life of mine whereby I receive these kudos from family and friends?

We never know how much we are being watched by both those we love and hold dear and those whom we will never really know. Others have been influential to me, why wouldn't I be the same for others? That never occurred to me until recently. How wonderful it is to live a life during which we offer others comfort, solace, friendship, love, compassion, even anger sometimes!

So, as I wax sentimental about my life and my old age, I am grateful to all those who have helped me make my way along. And, if I were able to assist others, I no longer consider myself any where near a failure - my life has counted for something to many others and for that I am blessed. Don't count me out yet, though! Life is wonderful and I've still got a lot to give!

Micky Finn has pontificated again!

Stone Age!

2008-09-25T15:14:00.000-07:00

Somehow, someway, I find myself behind the times - technologically speaking, that is!

I have no idea what a blue ray or a blue tooth is! I have a VCR that is still showing 12:00 - blink - blink -blink! Cell phone? Don't have one - the newer ones (from what I see on the commercials advertising them on television) I'd never be able to figure out how to dial, much less use my arthritic thumbs to send text messages or play games! Can't help but wonder what the heck an RSS streamer is!

The only reason I know what LCD stands for is my 21 year-old 27" television laid down and died on me. Ordered a new television (over the phone - how kewl is that?) and was blown over when it was delivered the next day ! It is a 22" flat screen LCD! Fits ever so snugly in my entertainment center, with plenty of room left over for a night light! Of course, it took me nearly three weeks to figure out that LCD stands for Liquid Crystal Display!

Wouldn't have had any notion as to what "broad band" meant until I learned that I can't get it because I live so far out in the country! It must be nice to be able to push a button on the dashboard of your car and learn exactly where you are and what the status is of your vehicle! Imagine not already knowing your car is due for an oil change! Another new-fangled invention in automobiles - also using satellites out in space - allows police, nosy parents, and the drivers to discover exactly where the car is at any given time of day or night! Heard the other day that there soon will be a device installed in vehicles which will prevent the ignition from being started if the potential driver is under the influence of alcohol! Hmm, wonder where the designated driver went! Followed in the footsteps of the dinosaurs, I guess - extinct!

Pay bills using the computer? I'm afraid to open my e-mail most of the time because of the fear of getting a "Trojan"! That's when I REALLY knew I would never catch up with the times because of my knowledge of what a "Trojan" used to be and why it was used! A friend of mine has a remote control which can start her car for her so that she won't be hot in the summer or cold in the winter when she decides to brave the elements to walk the four feet out her front door to her car! It took me 3 weeks to get used to the fact that I had to use two remote controls for my television sets throughout the house - yes, I have 3 ! One remote turns the television set on and off, while the other one I can readily use to change the channels.

I have satellite television service - sure do miss not using my old antenna on a tall pole out behind the house. I guess the satellite doesn't know the difference between a heavy dew and a cloudy sky! Haven't quite figured out yet why my "touch lamp" in my sewing room is on every morning when I shuffle to the bathroom. Either I have gremlins living in the house or there's someone hiding in the closet playing pranks on me - or, technology is just too difficult for me to figure out!

I'd like to think I'm fairly well computer literate - but some of the lingo leaves me colder than a brass witch's boobies in Siberia! High definion ? what exactly is that? and why does one have to pay for it? As for ATMs - I do all of my banking in person at my bank! Don't want nor need a piece of plastic to withdraw my money and have to pay for doing so!

Yes, I'm old lady. And yes, I manage to keep myself mentally and physically active. But, I think I was born at the wrong time and in the wrong age. I believe I would have been much better off in the Stone Age where I wouldn't have to try so hard to keep up!

Who or What am I?

2008-07-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about some of the titles I've held throughout my life. Think I will list some, if not most, of them here and now.

I came into the world as daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and grand-daughter. Progressively, I became nuisance, cow milker, tree climber, horse rider, swimmer, and then - oh horrors, a teen-ager! Suddenly, I found myself as soda jerk, baby sitter, softball pitcher, basketball player, aunt, receptionist, file clerk, and then, and then, wife, daughter-in-law, and sister-in-law!

Soon, I became a secretary, then bookkeeper and joy of joys, mother, as well as world traveler. New titles became Mom, (distraught and grieving mother at loss of second-born son), Mommy, and again distraught and grieving mother at loss of only daughter. My favorite title as mother was Muv, but once again I became a totally grief-stricken mother at the needless death of my 4th son at the hands of a drunk driver!

Next, I received two titles - divorcee and single parent! Became independent and only wage earner, manager, self-employed, baseball mom, football mom, band booster, cab driver, cook (oh my, the many young'uns for whom I cooked!), "you don't understand person," and once again, wife as well as step mom! My life took a sudden turn when once again I became a divorcee, single parent, and cross-country truck driver! Where that came from, just don't ask!

Once kids became self-sufficent, I took on the title of administrative assistant - but must note herein, never gave up my self-employment opportunities as bookkeeper! And wonderfully, I became grand-mother.

My soul mate came into my life, and once again I became wife, daughter-in-law, and sister-in-law! One day, I found myself as an undergraduate student at a full-fledged and accredited university, exchange student, reporter on life in Amsterdam, friend to hundreds of students from all over the world who thought I should be learning basket weaving instead of attending university in my late 50s.!

Soon, I became property owner, part-time receptionist, full-time self employed, great-aunt, great-grandmother, and widow!

As I take a gander over my shoulder at all the things I've done, all the wonderful people I've met and came to know, the memorable places I've visited, the joys and sorrows encountered, and the tastes and smells of foods from all over the world (some of which you wouldn't have found me putting in my mouth EVER!), I truly believe I've had about as much pleasure and cried as many tears as any one person could expect to have in one lifetime.

Regrets? Not really, because from each mistake and/or tragedy, I learned valuable lessons and became a much stronger person! Would I want to do it all over again? At one time, I thought maybe I would, but sanity returned immediately! The past cannot be changed or altered in any way - if I didn't learn from the past, I've been a failure! If I've learned, I may not be a magnificent success, but I faced the world with bravado and said, "Come on, give me your best shot, I can take it!"

Who am I? Gram, good friend, neighbor, mother, and I'm me the best way I know how to be.

What am I? Honest, truthful, kind, sentimental, caring, and widow! Widow doesn't describe who I am, it is merely another definition of what I am!

For some reason I felt the need to post this today - I believe it was to help me more than anyone else! Mickey Finn is through now!

Strength is much more than muscle power !

2008-07-06T01:41:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me at the strength we have when we are our most confused or feel at our very weakest - mentally and physically! This posting is especially for cydne and Beth - thank you for your postings to my blog.

About a year before my husband died, a mutual friend of ours lost his wife in a tragic accident. His grief was most palpable and we felt such sorrow for him. Imagine our shock when, within less than three months, he remarried. At the time, I just could not understand! However, a few months after I lost my husband, I suddenly got very smart about his situation. I now can undersand when he said "I just can't be alone and my wife was such a good friend of hers that it just seemed the natural thing to do." That was almost eleven years ago and he and his wife are very happy and love each other very much.

From somewhere within ourselves, during our confusion, grief, anger, guilt, and loneliness, we find a mighty strength to face a different way of life. Often, the aloneness is overwhelming, yet we strive forward the best way we know how in an attempt to maintain order. Family, friends, acquaintances - even an old biddy who posts well-intentioned messages on her blog - cannot ease the pain. We have to do that by calling on the strength we just can't seem to believe we have!

We should never judge ourselves for what we feel, believe, want, need, or seek. Happiness cannot be measured on any kind of meter, my friends. Happiness is so very personal - what makes me happy would probably not do the same for you! Comfort food makes me happy - puts a smile on my face and a warmth in my belly. Finding a great bargain at a thrift store or yard sale makes me grin from ear to ear! Listening to a baby laugh gives me great joy! Seeking happiness, in any form, is not a crime against society!

The confusion we often feel about our emotional status can cause us pain and severe bouts of guilt. We allow this to happen ! We often think that because someone else cares about us that we are committing a terrible sin! Drive this out of your head immediately! Yes, our hearts are on our sleeves and we are very vulnerable - doesn't change much over time, either. A kind word can set me off into bouts of tears. When someone does something unexpected to help me, I find myself wishing I had done that myself because I don't want to be a burden! You see what I mean? Then, I mentally beat myself about my head and shoulders to make me realize that's the vulnerabilty I still feel making me crazy!

As each day passes, you will find yourself stronger than the day before - little things that used to bring a tear to your eyes will now cause you to chuckle a little bit. Chores you found difficult to do will now be a challenge you want to face and accomplish! People from whom you found yourself withdrawing will become welcome and dearest of friends. You will find yourself having more patience with family and friends who "just don't understand."

What does this all boil down to? Strength from within, which will serve you well. Call on that strength, as it is your greatest ally.

Mickey Finn has spouted off - again!

Hope this helps

2008-07-02T02:33:00.000-07:00

In my opinion, there is no book and probably never will be a book which explains fully "How to be a Widow!" Each situation is singular! Grieving, anger, jealousy, guilt, pain, and loneliness are dealt with in different ways and times.

In an earlier post, I pontificated about how difficult it is to transition from being part of a "we" to being only a "me." The comfort of being part of a couple is no longer available to a widow, no matter how long the marriage! Sailing the sea of life alone now is overpowering and often seems to be completely without purpose. Niggardly thoughts of giving in to the grief by just giving up on having any more happiness in life haunt widows, especially during the nights when sleep will not offer surcease, when going to buy groceries seems senseless, and the worst, thinking it will be much easier to just lay down and die would be an easy way out!

Friends and family do their very best to offer sympathy and assistance to us at the time of the death and funeral. More often than not, however, we realize "Hey, I'm all alone here !" It's not that friends and family don't care - they don't understand how difficult a process it is for us to cope. My friends and family are so inured to the fact that I've always been a STRONG person and very independent they forget how much they are needed for an occasional phone call, e-mail, or a short visit.

Sometimes we find ourselves gravitating towards a man who has shown us kindness, offered comfort, and been very supportive during an unbearable time! No guilt nor shame needs to arise as a result of this! Why? The proverbial old adage of "Life goes on" applies here. Because our spouse died does not mean we did too! Yes, a part of us seems to have gone on to be with our departed loved one! But, we have been left behind to deal with all the decisions concerning finances, home repairs, auto maintainance, yard work - EVERYTHING!

I have had to learn the hard way to ask for help when it is needed. When I was 65 years of age, I found myself re-shingling my roof all by myself. Nobody offered to help me because I didn't ask! I painted the inside and outside of my home, rewired the garage so I could move my sewing parphenalia out of the spare room, and taught myself how to replumb my kitchen sink - all because I didn't ask for help. Independence can go too far sometimes - I had to learn from experience to not be overly proud of mine !

We should never feel guilty if we look for comfort, kindness, gentleness, understanding, and companionship from any source - even another man! Dying is not an option for us - we have been left behind for a purpose. We may not know or understand what that purpose is, but it surely is not to grieve ourselves to death! As each day passes, life becomes more precious to us, believe me when I say this! Baby steps forward into what remains of our lives opens new doors to adventure, challenges, and yes, even comfortableness.

Happiness is not unattainable! We make our own happiness with a positive attitude and looking forward instead of back over our shoulders. Saying "if only" or "woulda, coulda, shoulda" doesn't get it! Goals set may not be reached, but striving for goals (or dreams) is not being unreasonable, it's a natural part of our lives! Don't give up on yourself, EVER! Stand up straight, shoulders back, stomach in, chest out, and face the world with daring. You will be surprised at how much easier facing the unknown becomes!

I try to do something nice for myself every day. Little things which make me feel good about myself that wouldn't mean a thing to anyone else. I eat a piece of dark chocolate, call a friend to just say hello, play with my dog, soak in an extravagant bubble bath, play games online, post an occasional message here, take a nap, splurge on something expensive at the grocery store (that's not heard to do these days!), learn a new word and use it correctly - some little thing which helps me feel better about myself or which gives me pleasure!

It is my sincere desire that this post will help someone.

A saint he wasn't!

2008-06-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

My thanks to Terri and Cydne for their posts to my blog! This message is for the both of you and please, give what I have to say a great deal of thought!

Widowhood is not any fun, of that we are most aware. Whether our husbands died suddenly or as a result of a long-term illness, the tragedy is still there and very real to us. No words can explain to anyone how we feel about our loss. All we know is all of a sudden we no longer have our spouse there to yell at, complain about, fight with, love dearly, cook for, do things with, and all the many small times we came to hold dear!

My husband was driving our pickup truck with a load of "stuff" for the dump, when he gasped and fell over dead in my arms while driving about 55 miles per hour. Through the blur of that day, all I can remember is screaming, "You can't do this to me, we've made so many plans!!" Later, I recall thinking "how very selfish of me to have that statement come out of my mouth as my husband lay dead in my arms." There is no accounting for our immediate reaction when confronted with a tragedy.

Oftentimes, after the death of a spouse, we who are left behind tend to create an image of him as one close to sainthood! I fell into that trap myself. I found myself forgetting the times he made me so durned angry when he nit-picked everything I did because he either couldn't work outside because of the weather or was just plain bored! We both enjoyed doing crossword puzzles, and he had the habit of attempting to finish MY puzzles - which drove me up a wall! Sometimes his practical jokes were not really funny to me, and he would pout for days on end because I didn't react the way he thought I should have! He would leave a trail of his clothing from the front door to the bedroom when he came home from work - believing it was my job to pick them up for him! Oh my, but that would really drive me nuts, until I finally learned to ignore the mess and he would take care of the chore!

I held on tightly to ONLY the good things about him - he never lied to me, he absolutely adored me, he had a quick wit, was as smart a man as I've ever met in my life and challenged me mentally, he was a romantic, brought me flowers "just because," bragged about me to anyone who would listen to him as if I were some kind of goddess or something, and he made me laugh at life and most of all, at myself! Plus, many other wonderful attributes were my saving grace, or so I thought!

By building up only his goodness, I forgot he was a mere human being, with foibles, quirks, and faults which made him uniquely HIM! He never professed to be perfect, but I tried to turn him into perfection after his death! Also, I thought I could not go on without him - no way, no how! I truly believed my life had ended with his. How very wrong I was!

It will soon be ten years since my husband's death. The fact that I'm not a part of "we" anymore is still difficult for me. Many days the loneliness and ALONENESS are overpowering to me and I have to force myself to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, so that I don't dwell on it and become overly depressed. Depression and despair are faithful enemies - they lurk everywhere during every activity! Succumbing to these foes is not an option, do you hear me?

It took me quite a while to realize my husband was not perfection personified and I quit trying to convince others (as well as myself) he was a saint while alive. That is a lie from the pits of Hell itself! I hate being so blunt, but I am trying to let those who may read this posting see their deceased spouses as human beings they loved and lost - not as a saint on earth!

I loved my husband dearly and miss him mightily, but a saint he wasn't!

Mickey Finn is through!

Not better, but more bearable!

2008-04-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

Good Evening, Elron! Thank you for your posting to my blog! I've not been writing much - neither here nor in my daily journal - for quite a while.

I palpably feel your pain, Elron. Whoever came up with the name "Widow" should have just given us the name of "Alone," as this word more aptly describes those of us who have lost a loved husband and best friend in one fell swoop. My only consolation was my husband died very suddenly and did not have to endure any suffering. Can't say the same for myself, though.

Speaking for my self, which is all I can do, I've become resigned to being alone. It will soon be 10 years of aloneness and lonesomeness - amazing how quickly the time goes by when each day begins with knowing I will only have my wonderful dog (Freckles) for companionship. Some days I find myself even wishing a telemarketer would call so I can hear a human voice on the other end! Now, that's crazy!!!!

You will eventually establish a routine for yourself, Elron. It won't necessarily be one you ever thought you would choose for yourself, but it will be less uncomfortable and easier for you to manage. You might find yourself quite cynical about those who claim to be your "friends." Heavens to Mergletroyd! I'm sure you've already discovered who your true friends are by now! As for being approached by other men - Piffle Poffle is what I say! Most are looking for a nurse with a purse! Some might actually think they are God's gift to womankind and are sexually the answer to our prayers! Yeah, right! I had a 58 year old man (and I was 70 in January) sniffing around me for about a year, and I finally had to be quite rude, crude, and socially unacceptable by telling him to "BUZZ OFF."

I have no family living near by, those I know are my friends live some distance away from me (with the price of gas these days I don't go and they don't come often), I live on a very fixed income (so fixed that I always have lots of month left at the end of my money), and I've found myself withdrawing more and more into myself. All of my life, I've been a people person and now - well, suffice it to say, I don't trust many people with the times like they are. I've been mugged twice in broad daylight (idiots didn't get anything from me, either), my home has been broken into twice by crackheads, and my neighbors could care less!

Going out to eat is a bummer - not only is it expensive but I feel like such a jerk going into a restaurant alone! Because of being ill most of this winter with the flu three times and bronchial pneumonia, I've been more or less housebound. Before that, I suffered from a fractured pelvis (twice in the same spot), which also aided and abetted my hermit-like existence. But, after saying all that, I challenge myself each day. I create embroidery designs, I'm constantly working on new sweater patterns to knit, am addicted to crossword puzzles and Pogo game site (yes, I admit it, I'm a computer nerd), and I try to learn a new word every day. Although my body isn't as strong as I'd like it to be, there's nothing wrong with my mind and I work hard to keep my brain busy! Does that make any sense to you?

I guess what I've been really trying to say is it doesn't really get any better, Elron. It becomes more bearable and you will adapt to the drastic change in your life. We all do, in our own way and our own time! May God Bless You, my new blog friend.

Mickey Finn is really a survivor - although she will whine every once in a while!

It doesn't get any easier!

2008-01-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Kim for paying a visit to "Widow's Walk." In answer to your question, Kim, as per my title "It doesn't get any easier."

I've been widowed now for nine years and well-meaning friends and family members were quick to tell me shortly after my hubby's death "Time will help and things will get easier." How they knew that is beyond my feeble brain's ability to grasp, as none of them are neither widows nor widowers! Their message is not necessarily true nor complete in its context.

Within a very short span of time after my hubby's passing, I found myself totally alone. Family members scattered back to their various locations around the country and friends became invisible and unavailable. Although I have a very independent nature, I all of a sudden found myself no longer part of a "we" - it was now only "me." And, I still have trouble adjusting to that fact, even after nine long years.

Going out to eat, paying the bills, going for long drives, finding interesting yard sales and antique shops, attending a play, visiting friends, going to church , having long and interesting conversations, crossword puzzles, Jeopardy, bowling, sitting on the front porch with the first cup of coffee - meant much more to me when I was part of a "we."

Once I became a widow, I learned who my true friends really were. Those I once thought would be there no matter what have fallen by the wayside. However, I am proud to say I've made new friends in these past nine years. Even so, I don't seem to fit as nicely into any particular or comfortable niche as a widow. As a result, I found myself withdrawing more and more into myself. That's when I forced myself to get "out and about." I joined a volunteer group which I enjoyed for a couple of years until politics, jealousy, and stupidity of some of the members proved to me that group wasn't where I needed to be.

So, I went back to work (I'm a retired accountant) part-time! Once again I was in my own element, but as a "me" only. Had nobody to tell about the crazy lady who keeps all of her receipts in a pair of ratty panty hose, the small business owner who is convinced the CIA, FBI, and IRS have his phones tapped, and the wonderful old gentleman who always brings me a rose in payment for doing his taxes!

But, I was at least keeping my mind active! I learned how to create and digitize embroidery designs - a passion with me now. I took up knitting again - work with intricate designs which require me to count every stitch in order for the patterns to work out correctly. I write in my journal every day - at the end of each year I read all of the entries. Find myself wondering what in the world was wrong with me "that day!"

I can honestly say it's not getting any easier - life is certainly different now and I find myself adjusting to it, but I would be lying if I were to say I like it. It would be nice to be part of a "we" again, but at my age (I will be 70 years old in a matter of days) I believe I have become more discerning and particular about who the other part of "we" should be! I can't be a nurse with a purse because I live on a tight budget on a fixed income, and I don't want to be someone else's concubine (at my age, wouldn't that be a hoot!).

I know many other widows who seem to have their ducks in a row and they tell me that their lives are easier. I can't help but wonder what their marriages were like! I still find myself talking to Kerm as if he were alive and well. And, I know whenever I pick up a crossword puzzle book he assists with the completion of a puzzle! Kim, it doesn't get easier, it's just different!

Wease has had her say!

"If Only"

2007-10-12T04:46:00.000-07:00

Good morning to Mary H., who was kind enough to post a message to me. In answer to your question about when do we stop grieving - I really don't know. However, I do know if we don't stop thinking and saying "If only," we will drive ourselves crazy.

I've been a widow for nine years now - and it isn't an easy way of life for me! My deceased husband made it possible for me to achieve a life-long dream - that of acquiring a college education. "If only" I hadn't spent so much time on my studies, "If only" I hadn't accepted the chance to be an exchange student overseas for six months, "If only" I hadn't insisted we move to my home after my graduation!

One week before graduation, my husband fell over dead in my arms while driving down the road at 55 miles per hour. The move was over, we were full of ourselves about what the future held in store for us, and happy that we would have a houseful of friends and family within the week to celebrate with us. There had been no warning of an impending heart attack - his last physical had been clean and the doc had told him "You have the heart of an 18-year old."

The overwhelming loneliness that washes over me when least expected is the hardest! My family is scattered to the winds, neighbors are so busy with their lives (so it should be) they don't notice I hardly ever leave the house, old age has crept up on me at a "fast gallop," and recovering from the second time I've fractured my pelvis has been a difficult challenge to overcome. I've managed to get through some of the stages of grieving - such as, anger at my husband for daring to die when he did, guilt because I believed his death was all my fault, and the "why me" syndrome! However, the loneliness is the most difficult for me to handle.

When does the grieving end? In my opinion, it doesn't really end - it just gets easier to bear as time goes on. What works for me might not work for anyone else, but when that loneliness invades my heart and soul, I try to think of the happy times I had with my hubby! He could make me laugh when I was in need of poking fun at myself. His chest-puffing pride in me made me feel special. Whenever I smell a rose, I recall the many times he brought me roses "Just because." When watching "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy," we competed mightily with each other and would laugh at each other's consternation when we were wrong! Crossword puzzles were always the personification of competition between us - with loser having to wash the dinner dishes. I hold on to the happiness we shared and try not to dwell on his shocking death. Not always an easy thing to do, I know. But, I have stopped challenging myself with "If only."

Hard Headed?

2007-03-07T06:31:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'd like to say a heartfelt Good Morning to Patty and Milt...both of whom have inquired as to my wellbeing! Blogging hasn't been high on my list or priorities lately as I've been otherwise occupied, as below will attest! Again, thank you Patty and Milt for your concern.

Life had been very quiet and uneventful for me for quite a while...nothing much going on and therefore nothing about which I felt any urgent desire to report! However, things took a slightly nasty turn for me, as well as for another party (whom I neither know nor could identify).

After parking my car at a hobby shop, which is quite a distance from home, I was walking toward the store when I felt excrutiating pain on my head and all went black! I awoke in an ambulance, terrified at this sudden turn of events, as I had no earthly idea why I was being poked, prodded, and otherwise attended to by total strangers. The noise of the siren was very hurtful and that's all upon which I seemed to be able to concentrate.

It appears that I was struck from behind with what I later referred to as a "Sherman Tank" by someone who wanted my purse more than me! As usual, I had the strap of my purse over my shoulder and my purse tucked tightly under my arm. But, my cash was in my jeans pocket!

A young man, who happened to see all that occurred, came to my aid as down I went like a sack of potatoes! He, along with another man, apprehended my assailant as a young lady appeared in the mix and called 911. My knight in shining armor appeared at the emergency room at hospital to make sure I was okay. He is the one who informed me as to all that had happened.

I suffered a severe concussion, which I am sure you know makes a person want to sleep a lot! A dear friend of mine, whom I called for assistance with Miss Freckles and my car, made sure I didn't sleep for at least 12 hours after being admitted into a very sterile room in hospital! I hope I never have to play another game of checkers or gin rummy again!

Being as how I never saw the person who assaulted me, I could not testify against him (other than to relate what happened to me), but the eye witnesses were called and the end result is the young man who attempted to rob me is now in jail for 5 to 10 years! He didn't know that I always carry my purse for identifaction purposes (driver's license, proof of auto insurance, medicare card, etc.), but that any cash I may have is always tucked in one of my front pockets of my jeans! In fact, that day I had left my credit card at home so I would not be tempted to overspend!!

My head was very sore for quite a long time, making it difficult to comb or brush my hair. Washing my hair was also very touchy for some time! However, I am fine and dandy now...none the worse for all the trauma! Don't ever think that being hard-headed means very much when someone whacks you over the head! My friends have teased me about my hard-headedness for years, but now they realize my head is just as susceptible to injury as everyone else's!

When Mickey Finn goes out of town to shop, she will ALWAYS be sure someone is with her!

2007 has arrived!

2007-01-10T15:27:00.000-08:00

It is my wish that everyone who reads this has had a wonderful and safe celebration during the New Year festivities. This writer had every intention of staying awake (for the first time) to see the new year in, but, as usual, I didn't make it. The last time I looked at the clock it was 11:10 and the next thing I knew, it was six o'clock on January 1st! Think that must qualify me for the "old fuddy duddy" award!

In three more days, my birthday once again arrives. Sometimes, it is unbelievable that 69 years have gone by in such a blur of speed. Other times, memories flood my heart with such an overflow of emotion that the happenings, both happy and sad, seemed as if they occurred only yesterday. Why is it the older we get, the more we seem to remember of our childhood? Or is this a phenomenon dedicated only to me?

The longer I am alone, the closer to me is my childhood imaginary friend "Emily Margaret." I hadn't thought about her (with any continuity of thougt) for a very long time. Lately, however, I have been delving into my psyche to ascertain why she keeps returning to my mind with regularity. My imaginary friend saved my life many moons ago - literally! Of course, when I was a youngster, nobody could convince me she was merely a figment of my imagination. She was as real to me during those dark days of childhood as my darling friend, Miss Freckles, is today! Sometimes, just before falling asleep, I can almost SEE her there beside my bed. I very nearly HEAR her telling me to be strong and think only happy thoughts. Oh dear, am I regressing back into being a little girl all over again? Heaven forbid that should happen.

Maybe my subconscious is telling me to get out and about. Truthfully, I'm not listening to that advice from within. It is so much easier to stay at home, where I feel safe, contented, and even happy to be here. The only human voices I absolutely do hear and listen to these days is on television...don't even talk to Miss Freckles much any more. If the telephone rings, often I panic to have to think of something to say. Believe me when I say, I've always had something to say. Now, it doesn't matter to me that it doesn't get said! It is horrible for me to have to get out to do small chores, such as grocery shopping or put gas in the car.

However, when I go to teach conversational English to some Hispanic folks, I revel in the fact that I'm doing something productive and worthwhile. Today, for example, I did some number crunching at my part-time job and was thrilled to be busy, both physically and mentally. Yet, when I get home, all I want to do is withdraw. Freud would have a field day with me, is that what you are thinking? Maybe so, but my conclusion is that I can be as lazy as I want to be when I am at home and nobody but me gives a durn about it ... including me! There ya go...Mickey Finn has diagnosed herself AGAIN.

I truly enjoy sunrises and sunsets...have done so ever since I can remember. A short time ago, the sunset was absolutely glorious. The stark nakedness of the trees against all that color, with not a cloud to soften the starkness of those bleak and dark branches projecting forward against the plethora of oranges, reds, and golds mixed with mauve and various shades of purples, left me breathless. Each sunrise and sunset is different...thankfully. I think that's why I never get bored veiwing them. Not many more sunrises and sunsets left for me to ogle...life is so short and flashes by so quickly I find myself wishing there could be more than one rise and set of the sun each day! How fruitless a wish that is!

Mickey Finn is going to have a glass of milk and some double stuff Oreos to help her contemplate with a modicum of seriousness what LIFE is all about! Happy New Year to all!

Reflections

2006-12-31T08:06:00.000-08:00

Another year has come and gone in a flash! Just when I was beginning to get used to writing 2006 on checks, etc., I now have to retrain my brain for 2007! Although this writer would prefer to believe being busy accounts for the speed with which 2006 disappeared, in truth it has more to do with age. Of that I am most sure !

As I reflect over the past year, many things happened over which I had no control or even thought could have occurred. In April, for no apparent reason other than the fact I may have sneezed too hard, I fractured my pelvis! Despite being an avid fan of milk, taking massive doses of calcium for years, it seems I'm the victim of osteo porosis (hope I spelled that correctly). This knowledge has made me more frightened of possibly falling and breaking something that will hospitalize me for a protracted length of time.

A recalcitrant spider bit me on the nape of my neck during the summer...doctors couldn't seem to ascertain why I was so sick. After three days of unknowns, an aide was washing my hair and found the bite. She is now my newest hero! Immediate treatment put me back vertical and recovery was swift!

After lengthy contemplation, I decided to resign from the Alabama State Defense Force (ASDF). It was one of the most difficult decisions I've made in a very long time, as I truly had believed I had attained enough training to be of service to my community in times of need. Although I miss the missions and training, I don't miss the politics and "good old boy" attitude which caused many good men and women to either resign or take long leaves of absence. It's a shame, because the original "mission" of the organization is not to back bite, shuffle for positions, and put on a uniform just to look good and impress someone!

I'm hurt and confused by the fact that those who had called me "friend" for years have pushed me aside as if I were completely disposable. As a result, I find myself withdrawing more and more into myself...which I know is not good for me! However, at this late stage in my life, hurt doesn't ease as quickly as it did when I was younger.

My widowhood has lasted now for eight years. Loneliness for companionship and someone with whom I can share my life overwhelms me more and more often. Even with writing the previous statement, I fully realize in order to meet, I must greet! The thought of starting over again is almost distasteful to me and quite frightening, too! There's not that much time left for me in this world...that's a fact which I acknowledge with honesty and forthrightness. Not much going for me except for the fact (thankfully) that I still have all my mental faculties. I'm a shriveled up old lady that society in general ignores and would prefer I not make my presence known. Age discrimination is most rampant in these times. So much for my golden years!

I no longer create and digitize embroidery designs as the joy seems to be gone from the passion I once had. It seems that most people don't want to pay for beautiful designs which take a great deal of time and effort to create. Although it is a pleasure to give the stitched out designs away as gifts and "freebies," it doesn't help me make my money match the length of the month!

Since I was given the gift of Club Membership on Pogo, I find myself playing various games on that website more and more. As a result, I have met some wonderful new "cyberspace friends" from all over the world. We have wonderful conversations, usually ending up in fits of laughter. That laughter has helped to keep me from going berzerk! Yet, there's nothing like receiving a phone call from a friend and hearing a REAL voice! Can't begin to count the many times I've wished my dog, Miss Freckles, could verbalize! She's an excellent listener, but offers no feedback!!

The state of affairs in the world today makes me glad that I'm on the downhill side of life. The terrible things which inundate the news continuously should frighten all of us! Our younger generation scares me...they won't be prepared to take on the management of world affairs as long as their parents remain unable and unwilling to teach them manners and morals. The Good Lord knew what He was doing when he arranged for young people to have children, this I know and understand. But, kids who are parents of kids...neither stands a snowball's chance in you know where!

I wish I were capable of settling everything that is awry in the world today. But, I'm also glad I am not because who would listen?

Mickey Finn is finished reflecting!

Mickey Finn no longer Marches!

2006-10-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

It has been longer than I would have imagined since last posting anything (worth reading, that is) on my site. Summer has come and gone...can't account for a minute of it except I do recall that it was very hot and very dry!

Well, guess it's time to announce I've resigned from my position with the Alabama State Defense Force - effective September 10th. There wasn't any one thing which brought this action about, but rather, a combination of many thing which just didn't settle very well with me. The constant lying from the upper echelon (all the way to the top), the veritable sneakiness of those who constantly strive for (and achieve) promotions by avoiding chain of command and/or kissing butt(s), age and sex discrimination, professions of friendship from those who praised us to our faces but were constantly sticking knives into our backs, and sweeping under the rug the wrong-doings of those who used vulgarity, drinking where they shouldn't have been (much less in front of those of us who had respected and admired them), and in general, jealousy and lack of respect for those of us who strove diligently to improve and train ourselves to help our communities - not to make THEM look good!

This volunteer organization impressed me - when I first joined over 2 years ago - as being truly concerned with the well being of the local communities in which we serve during times of emergencies and disasters. Either I'm terribly naive, completely blind, and overly trusting - or - they played their games so well that it took me 2 years to wise up. Granted, I'm an old lady! But, I managed to pay my own way, kept up to the best of my ability (which was rather difficult after fracturing my pelvis), achieved all of the REQUIRED training, and nobody will ever convince me that I didn't do an excellent job - paper pushing is my forte!

One person, whom I came to like and admire a great deal, let everyone down with his juvenile and very un-called for actions at a highly visible mission. Another, who trys hard to make everyone believe he's so knowledgeable about the "military," didn't make it out of AIT. There's one member who refers to himself as "prior military" who received a Less Than Dishonorable Discharge from the military! There are current members who are felons! I don't believe I want them anywhere near me, my family, nor my friends during a disaster while wielding guns to protect WHOM?

So it goes. An honorable organization turned rotten by the few that just don't seem to have any concern about being honest and forthright and "doing the greatest good for the greatest number." What used to be a "We" organization has turned into a group of "Me" oriented individuals.

Enough pontificating! I've missed receiving the occasional messages from Mama Mouse, Milt, and Patty. Hope I hear from you soon.

Aloneness has overcome me today with an almighty force. Hopefully, Mickey Finn shall overcome!

Bad Day Gone Good

2006-08-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

Typical morning - NOT! Awoke to the stye in my right eye throbbing like a tooth ache gone mad, the ringing in my ears was louder than usual, and felt the telltale beginnings of a wonderful ear ache! However, I did not let this inauspicious beginning deter me from continuing onward!

Whilst pouring my first cup of coffee of the day, the coffee pot disintegrated, not only before my very eyes, but all over the gosh durned kitchen! Of course, I have at least 3 or 4 coffee pots, mind you, but not a one of them will work with my present coffee maker. Go figure! And I hadn't even had my first sip to get my heart beating into its normal rythym!

Went about 3 1/2 miles down the road to the country store and purchased 3 cups of black coffee (I figured I could doctor them with the appropriate amounts of creamer and sugar at home in one of my many favorite mugs). That idea flew right out the window along with all my other "good intentions" when I turned onto my road and coffee went in the opposite direction all over my car! Soft beige leather seats don't take too kindly to being cleaned with hot coffee, don'tcha know. After cleaning up second coffee mess, I STILL HADN'T HAD A CUP OF COFFEE!

Got ready to go to my part-time job (today instead of yesterday because air conditioner in office wasn't working yesterday!) and headed out - but, stopped at country store for a very small cup of already creamed and sugared coffee with a very tight lid to sip on my way! Thankfully, I was able to drink it while traveling the 30 miles to work with no mishaps! But, suffice it to say that with the way my morning had started, I was not looking forward to the rest of the day.

Only worked until noon - got a lot done and left feeling quite proud of myself in the fact that I had accomplished a lot and left my desk completely clean of all that had to be done. Tucked my pay into my purse and headed for the Wal Mart Super Store (about 25 miles away). Finally found a parking spot in what seemed like miles away from either of the doors because school is about to start and sales tax has been abated for 3 days to help the parents of all those kiddies!!! Looked like "Black Friday" in the parking lot, believe me.

Wended my way very carefully through the crowded store and found everything on my list (added a couple of extras, like 2 new coffee pots that will fit my coffee maker), checked out in an inordinately small space of time, and headed for the car. Now, mind you, the temperature at that time was 98 degrees, with dew point at 78, which means the heat index has to be close to 110. The air conditioner on my car still hasn't been fixed, but I knew the refrigerated goods would be fine until I could lug them into the house and put them away.

While sweating profusely (I don't perspire, thank you), I drove the remaining 18 miles of my sojourn and pulled up to my front porch. Upon opening the back door to remove sacks to carry inside, I realized I had left my purse in the carriage at Wal Mart! Boy howdy, my old flivver didn't let me down on the country roads back to town - 80 miles per hour, with flashers going, everyone pulled over to let me go on, and I was frantically praying OUT LOUD that I would recover my purse. About half way there, the stye in my eye decided to burst, making it very difficult to maintain the rapid pace at which I had begun my trip back to Wally World because I COULDN'T SEE A THING! Managed to creep along, using only one eye, and daubing like a mad woman at my right eye in hopes of being able to see out of it before I hit a tree, an old lady, or an errant old man!! The ringing in my ears has now reached a deafening roar and my ear ache was causing the entire right side of my face and neck to hurt, plus I can't open all windows in my car (no air conditioning, remember) for fear the header will all tear loose from my former daughter-in-law's long nails making ugly long streaky holes in it and the air catches it badly!

Pulled into the parking lot - found the same parking space I had used earlier, but carriage was no longer there. Now, try to get this mental image firmly implanted in your head if you can - picture a crazy looking, pruny old woman gasping for breath because she had run for the first time in about 10 years, swabbing at her eye, and holding the right side of her head at a slight angle because that seemed to make the ear ache feel better - coming into Customer Service screaming "Has anyone turned in a black shoulder bag - I left it in a carriage." I thought I said it quite plainly, but the lady behind the desk said she couldn't understand me - all she could hear was Aaargh, gargle, and worse!

After being seated, given a cold rag to put on my face, I finally calmed down enough to make my need known. Lo and behold, my purse had been turned in with ALL CONTENTS INTACT. I was escorted back to my car, given an ice cold bottle of water to drink, and thanked everyone within hearing distance of me for everything from the beginning of the world until today!

Driving home, I realized my eye had cleared up and the horrid throbbing had stopped. Further, it became apparent the ear ache was gone and the ringing in my ears had toned itself back down to its persistent tiny tingling sound, the cold water felt good when I poured it over my head, and the best of all - when I thanked God for interceding on my behalf, I was able to start laughing at myself and the predicament in which I had found myself beginning with the start of the day! Got the groceries into the house and put away - all was well with the refrigerated "stuff." Got into my favorite night shirt, poured me a large cold glass of milk, and realized that Micky Finn is in great shape for the shape she's in!

Micky Finn is pleased to report God still hears and answers prayers!

Ho Hum! Will Summer Never End?

2006-07-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid the doldrums of summer have set in on this old gal. The combination of the heat and oppressive humidity tends to keep me inside, enjoying breathable air conditioning. As a result, I often find myself suffering from what my grandmother used to call "cabin fever" and what seems to be an ever present feeling of Yuck!

Gas prices are so out of this world that (thankfully) I don't need to go anywhere very often in my car. Air conditioner is kaput in my car (can't afford to get it fixed until my ship comes in - doubt it will ever sail, you understand), which results in opening the windows while driving. There's nothing as pleasant as driving in 98 degree heat, with nearly the same humidity figure, all the windows open and feeling as if the heat from a very hot oven is blowing on me! Forgive the word pleasant interjected in the last sentence - I used that descriptive word with "tongue in cheek!"

To help me get over the doldrums in which I've found myself, I thought I would vent a little while about a certain individual (who shall remain nameless at this point) who continues to show me (and others) how impossible it is for a tiger to change its spots!! This person is the biggest liar, sneakiest snake, and cheatingest creep (is there such a word as cheatingest ??) one could ever not wish to come across in this world. This individual would climb a tree to tell a lie as stay on the ground to tell the truth, while never having an original thought - EVER! When things don't go according to this person's mindset, chaos reigns until a situation is completely destroyed to build up this one's idea of perfection!

However, there is good news hidden within the depths of this tale. Friendships have developed and grown into a closeness resembling family as a result of this person's endeavors to keep it from occurring. Isn't it wonderful how good always seems to come out of something bad? The more this person tries to tear us apart, the closer we get!! Doesn't make "you know who" very happy, either! Too bad, how sad!!!

Okay! I'm done! Anyone who knows me and reads this posting will know immediately about whom I wrote, but you notice I was very careful to not mention any name or gender!!!!! Gotta cover my butt, you understand!! :::giggle:::

Micky Finn will walk to the mailbox to collect the monthly bills and continue to hibernate inside until summer is over!

Childhood wonderment should never grow up!

2006-06-18T04:38:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, after the last rain storm here, I stood on the front porch sipping on my cup of coffee and enjoyed an awe-inspiring double rainbow. My coffee was quickly forgotten as I stood in a state of wonderment at the glorious beauty before me. For a few moments, I felt like I did when, as a child, I discovered some new-found beauty or joy which I truly believed nobody else had ever known!

The time I found my first periwinkle was a total delight to me. I was probably about four years old and I remember holding the little bugger ever so lovingly in my hands as I rushed to show my find to my grandmother. Hindsight being 20-20, I realize she wasn't particularly pleased with my astounding discovery, but she accommodated my wishes to place "Wally" in a jar filled with seaweed. She was, in my mind's eye, delighted in my excitement and made me feel as if I'd discovered an extinct species! When "Wally" died, she didn't hesitate a moment to help me hold a funeral for the critter!

I grew up in a little town right on the Atlantic Ocean. There is something about the sounds of the ocean that, to this day, can tug at some deep-seated primordial urge within me. "Did you know you can hear the sound of a wave by placing your ear on the ground," I once asked? I could often be found, completely prone about six feet away from the breaking waves, with one side of my face pressed against the sand listening to the waves coming in. No two waves sound the same, I discovered! The wonder of it was special for me throughout my entire chidhood.

To this day, I can still remember when I discovered licorice! One penny, in those days, would get you a handful of wonders for the tastebuds - and licorice was (and still is) thought to have been invented specifically for me! No chewing allowed, you understand, was my rule. Let your tongue and teeth turn black by letting the delcious concoction melt ever so slowly - I could enjoy it so much longer that way! Nobody else in my family liked licorice, which totally bumfuzzled me. How could they not like it?

People who know me well often comment about what a kid at heart I am! So be it. When I see the American Flag blowing in the breeze, I get goosebumps because of the pride in that flag which was instilled in me as a child! A newly-born animal (especially a lamb) takes me back to the days when I would sleep in the pen with Grampa to await the birthing of whatever animal was due to drop soon! Every time I drink a glass of milk, memories of milking Dolly, Molly, and Sally in the dead of winter rush back - I can still feel the pleasure the warmth and peacefulness of the barn gave me after rushing through the cold to get my chore (which really was fun) done! The sight of a Palomino horse brings images of Big Ben rushing back to me - he was a mean stallion who was gentle with me and I absolutely adored him because I was the only one he would let ride him bareback. The smell of peppermint was and always will be associated with my grandmother's over-sized aprons, with the deep pockets, in which she always had a peppermint treat for me (and an occasional chunk of licorice).

I suppose my real motive for this writing is to remind myself to never let go of my excitement, joy, and wonder. I truly hope I never REALLY grow up - growing old doesn't necessarily mean I have to think old!

Micky Finn is gonna have a licorice stick today!

Was I overly naive?

2006-06-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Hey Mama Mouse - thanks for your comments. Good to hear from you, too! Missed you, don'tcha know!

Your comments were very insightful, to say the least. I guess what happened to me was that I kinda sorta thought I'd found a volunteer organization made up of honest and forthright men and women who had the same goal of serving their community as I did! Those in whom I've found very dear friends are to be excluded from the following analysis of my predicament - thank goodness for you!

I believe what has happened is there are too many chiefs and not near enough Indians, if you know what I mean! And all the chiefs want to do is issue orders - which change in accordance with their moods or with the coming of inclement weather! First of all, I didn't know volunteers could be ORDERED to do anything, especially since it is crammed down our throats that WE ARE VOLUNTEERS! But, when it behooves these same chiefs, all of a sudden we are MILITARY.

Very few of these chiefs can be seen at any of the external missions (I know one sub-chief who is present for every one with his unit), but they know everything there is to know about how the mission should be run as a MILITARY UNIT, not how the mission should be run with a widely diverse volunteer group who work their butts off BECAUSE THEY WANT TO AND LIKE WHAT THEY ARE DOING, otherwise they wouldn't be where they are!!!

I can honestly say NOBODY has EVER issued me an ORDER in the two years I've served in this organization. Many requests have been made, with which I have been more than happy to comply. Directives come through the pipeline, however, in which it will be stated "we can't order our volunteers to do anything," and the very next sentence will state "we must follow orders or" .....! What are they gonna do if we don't comply? Take away our birthdays?

When a sniveling little pup who's nose is a different color than the rest of his face because of... well, you get the idea, I'm sure, has his own personal "clicque" of flunkies to report everything they either think they've seen and heard to some "chiefs" who believe his crap doesn't stink because he looks good in a uniform and can recite every regulation in the book, something is badly askew! Like my father used to say "Something smells rotten in Denmark, and it ain't just the fish." Yeah, book learning is wonderful, but putting it into practical use is another thing!! I believe if I were to take a poll of members, they all would say this particular individual hasn't done anything but talk a good game!

The organization grew by leaps and bounds and, all of a sudden, the chiefs didn't know what the heck to do! Might I just add here that the "dead" weight isn't at the bottom of the organization, either!!!

Yes, I'm getting along in years and there are some things that I just can't do anymore because of fear of breaking bones, but I give forth every effort to pull my weight whenever I am needed, wherever I am needed, and for however long I am needed. Everyone in my unit (with the exception of a very small minority) do the very same - plus!

Politics may be the reason for the change in mood, but I believe it can be put more to fear! Some of the troops are smarter than the chiefs are, work hard, strive for promotions, and guess what - they will be the chiefs some day!! Hmm, makes you wonder if things might just be a little bit different when the chiefs realize how hard they had to work to get there, rather than ... well, I won't go there, either!

Micky Finn is through for today!

2006-05-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

I am a 68-year-old widow who joined the Alabama State Defense Force (ASDF) two years ago because I was sure this organization offered me an opportunity to continue to learn and achieve. At present, my position is that of Platoon Sergeant/Company Clerk, with the rank of SFC.

I’d like to think that I’m a fairly intelligent person, but why should anyone in the ASDF strive to better him/herself with any of the training courses offered? Lately, we’ve been informed if we desire promotions, most of the training is MANDATORY! We are, after all, VOLUNTEERS, not Regular Army! This is the first Volunteer organization wherein I’ve had to pay dues to belong! Even though I live on a fixed income, I’ve managed to pay my way to the best of my ability. But, when I’m told YOU HAVE TO DO THIS, it gets my hackles raised!

Every training class which has been offered, I’ve taken and am certified. I passed the MEMS/PDS courses to earn my MEMS Badge within a month after joining my unit, which at that time was a detached platoon. I am certified in Traffic Control, Storm Spotters, First Aid, CERT, and CPR. I’ve attended and received a certificate for Basic Brigade Course (SOS). Further, I am certified as a CERT Train-the Trainer.

If a directive were issued from Battalion stating any or all of the above training would be important towards being of assistance to our communities at external missions or during disasters or emergencies, I usually was one of the first to enroll – enthusiastically! As a former military wife, I know the importance of training. Also, as a college graduate (University of Montevallo, Class of 1998, BBA), I thoroughly understand the importance of furthering one’s education.

However, I am having a great deal of trouble understanding why our unit is being punished for actively participating in all the offered training courses. We have a wonderful rapport with the local police department, sheriff’s department, local EMA, parks and recreation department, and various local merchants who have come to rely on us to handle traffic control, parking issues, gate crashers, and patrol of sites because we constantly strive to follow the rules of the ASDF in these endeavors.

Our troops are being recruited away from our unit (a practice which I was lead to believe the ASDF would not condone), smear tactics are being used by those who (or so it appears) must be jealous of our good work and can’t or won’t catch up to our standards of performance, our unit is being subversively threatened with being shut down, and our Command Staff is treated like pariahs. A former member of our unit is actively pursuing “crash and burn” tactics against us, regardless of who may get hurt in the process. One of our current members was pinned at a Brigade function without waiting for orders to come down and without informing the commander, after a directive had been issued no rank can be worn until orders are received! What a slap in the face to those who have been awaiting orders for as much as six months for Assignment!

Some of the powers that be are convinced a member, who transferred to another unit and who couldn’t make it through AIT in the Regular Army, walks on water! I always thought the term “prior service” meant the person served at least one tour of duty in the military. These same powers that be lie and cheat their way up the ladder while professing to be “good Christians” and make every effort to subvert our unit by listening to the lies, innuendoes, and exaggerations of those who like to kiss butt to make themselves look important. The individuals who proudly claim to be “prior service” make a mockery of my deceased husband’s distinguished military career, as well as those members of my unit who not only served an extended time or retired from the military, but served in a war zone.

The secret organization that nobody is supposed to know anything about but everybody knows all about it contains persons of less than moral character.
I shudder to think that my back may be protected by them! I don’t want to be anywhere near them during a time of crisis, thank you!

High-ranking officers are making threatening phone calls to some of our members (wish I knew who they were because I’d really like them to call me and try to threaten me).
I appreciate the statement which rules the military – “nothing is as constant as change.” But, the ASDF is not and should not be one hundred percent military because it is comprised of volunteers who want to give back to their state, community, family, friends, and neighbors. I could drill with the best of them until I fractured my pelvis. I’ve had very few complaints concerning the way the unit’s paperwork is done, and have never backed down from doing anything to help anyone – whether in my unit or another.

The actions which are currently taking place are – in a word – reprehensible.

The past revisited???

2006-05-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

Before I begin my discourse, I'd like to say how wonderful it was to hear from Mama Mouse! Made my Mother's Day complete, that's for sure!

Not too many days ago, I was browsing through the aisles of Wal Mart - had no money to spend, but had lots of time to kill! As I was strolling down the "mouth watering" aisle (stuff I'd like to have, but know I have to continue doing without), I heard a voice say rather falteringly "Is that you, Wease?" I turned around to see a round, butterball of a blue-haired lady, whom I was absolutely sure I'd never seen before in all my put togethers!

I responded with "Er, my friends call me Wease, so I plead guilty!" This rather elderly looking (you understand I mean LOTS older than me) continued by saying "I would have known you anywhere. You haven't changed a bit." (Now, remember I'm still completely in the dark as to who she is or where I might have met her in my disremembered past.)

As a result of the completely blank look on my face (you know, the "deer in the headlights" look), she quickly told me her name. Needless to say, my jaw did a dribbling act on Wal Mart's rather scruffy-looking floor for at least a minute or two as I recalled to myself "This old lady can't be her, I went to school with her!" Then I thought (or rather screamed inside my head) "FIFTY YEARS HAVE GONE BY ALREADY! HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN THIS WRINKLED AND OLD LOOKING? I MEAN, I'VE GOT THE ROAD MAPS OF AT LEAST 3 CONTINENTS ON MY FACE AND NECK! IS THAT HOW SHE RECOGNIZED ME?"

Forgive me for yelling - her statement still rather upsets me! But, I digress!

This lady was one of the "in" crowd all the years of grammar, junior high, and high school. She was the one I always wanted to be, you understand. She was pretty, very popular, came from a wealthy family, had the best clothes, and could have taught "snob school." If I ever were envious of anyone, it was her when I was much younger and a lot less wise! And here she was, right out of the blue as if we had been long, lost friends. She never could find time to talk to me when we were girls, you understand!

I've never done so much er, uh, uhmming in my life! Talk about speechless - I felt as if my tongue were glued to the roof of my mouth with a very special long-lasting super glue!!! She prattled on as if it didn't matter that my brain and my mouth were unable to work in conjunction with each other and explained she was visiting her grand-daughter (who is in the National Guard and will soon be graduating from AIT at the Air Force Base in Huntsville) and was in my town to visit some long forgotten, but lately remembered, relatives in the area.

After a concerted effort to regain my composure, I was finally able to utter something totally earth shattering like "How nice!" (I'm still stinging from YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT!") Oops, sorry, shouting won't help the situation any, will it?

Suddenly, she stopped her continuous imitation of a magpie, took a breath, and said "You must not be the Wease I thought I knew" and turned around and walked off - leaving me there with egg on my face. For a few moments, I gave serious thought to giving in to "Wal Mart Rage" and throttling her! But, I toddled off after her, stopped her, and said "Forgive me, but it is quite a shock to have someone from 50 years ago be able to recognize me when I KNOW I've had to change at least a little bit. After all, I didn't know you from Adam's house cat!"

With that, she huffed and puffed a little bit (I'd rather think she has a breathing problem than she might have been a little bit put off by me) and stated very emphatically "You may think you have changed, but that profile and your chin haven't changed a single bit."

It's only in the past few years in which I recognized the fact that my chin and my pointy nose have become more prominent than ever! Or so I surmised!

We hugged, I apologized for not recognizing her, we promised to keep in touch, and both went our separate ways. I don't expect to ever hear from her again - she now lives in some exotic place in Up State New York!

Micky Finn is traumatized and probably will never look in a mirror again!

Senior Moments? Hmm, I wonder!

2006-05-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

I was once told that my memory would be the first thing to leave me - do "Senior Moments" fall into the category of my memory leaving me?

It's been so long since I've blogged I couldn't remember my user name, for Pete sakes! Can't find my manicure set - either I've hidden it from myself so well that I purely can't find it or I just do not remember where I put it! Poured myself a cup of coffee earlier, went to answer the phone, and forgot all about my cup of coffee! Found it two hours later - yucky cold and totally undesirable!

Decided to clean out the refrigerator because I finally found the bowl for which I'd been looking for two weeks! Didn't think I'd broken it and forgot about it - didn't remember I'd stored something inside that bowl, covered it with aluminum foil, and there was some strange concoction of a horrible nature therein contained which more than slightly alarmed me! Of course, I'd opened the fridge innumerable times and didn't notice that bowl before today!

Thank goodness I have a nice little slider "thingy" on my dishwasher that lets me know whether the dishes inside are clean or dirty - depending on whether or not I remember to slide the durned thing in the right direction at the time of placing dirty dishes inside or turning on the infernal machine.

More often than not I suffer from the "hereafter" disease. You know, when you go into another room for something and end up saying out loud "What did I come in here after?" Think this disease must be highly contagious and communicable to animals because poor Miss Freckles has forgotten to peform for her morning biscuit a couple of times recently. That has set me back on my heels, because she can really be a pushy little thing, especially when I'm busy doing things I don't remember doing later!

Now, in my own defense, I haven't forgotten important stuff like: get the trash out on Sunday evening for the early Monday morning pickup, keep an eye on supply of dog food so it can be readily replenished, keep a good supply of toilet tissue on hand, make sure I don't run out of milk and bread, show up for ASDF drill/meetings on the correct Tuesday night, remaining mindful of Tuesdays and Thursdays as my work days, and the fact that I've got a new great-grandson named Andrew James.

Looked at the carpet - closely - this morning and said to myself - "Self, didn't you vacuum yesteday?" No - it was about five or six yesterdays ago and Miss Freckles is shedding like mad. So, that's why the vacuum didn't get put away? Could have sworn I had a little bit of potato salad left in the fridge from the other day! Nope, I musta ate it already as the dirty Tupperware container was located in in the dishwasher, still dirty. Hope I enjoyed it!

I'd like to think that I'm not in danger because of these lapses of memory. Shades of Alzheimer's disease? Oh mercy me, I certainly hope not. I can only surmise that I need do memory exercises to more easily remember stuff. Only thing is, would I remember to do the exercises?

Micky Finn is bumfuzzled!

Is the world off its axis today?

2006-03-20T08:07:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been such a long time since I've posted anything. Seems like there aren't enough days in the week, much less hours in the day lately!

What with working two days each week, teaching conversational English to a very nice Mexican lady two afternoons each week, attending all kinds of classes in order to become a "better soldier" in the ASDF, teaching ladies with embroidery machines how to use their software and how to digitize, and paper work up the ying yang this old gal doesn't have time for an occasional "pit stop" these days!

I can't believe the price of gas! Good golly Miss Molly, but po folks like me won't be able afford to drive to the grocery store - and if we do scrape the funds together to get there, we won't be able to purchase any groceries! Why doesn't this make any sense?

Isn't today supposed to be the first day of Spring? Everything is in bud and trying to bloom, and the weather is cold, cold, cold! The old bones are creaking, groaning, and moaning very loudly these days!

Hmm, sounds to me like I'm complaining, doesn't it! WELL, I AM! Did you ever have one of those days when you wished you hadn't? Today is one of those days for me - nothing I've done has come out right, everything I've touched has landed on the floor in a huge mess, stepped on Miss Freckles' tail and hurt her feelings (probably didn't hurt her tail at all), while pouring my first cup of coffee of the day the mug broke (I did learn that hot coffee will sure put a shine on my kitchen floor!), and the "check engine" light came on in my car as I started it up to go to the post office. Think I should just go back to bed and try to start the day all over again - but, with my kind of luck, things would get worse!!!

Micky Finn is done for today!

Yucky day!

2006-02-25T15:44:00.000-08:00

Another drab, dull, dreary, dismal, and drizzly day. Great grimy gobs of greasy, gritty, gummy, goofy gopher guts, will it never stop raining? Had to wear my water wings to the mail box this afternoon, for Pete sakes!

Been up to my armpits in paper work for the ASDF most of this week. Don't let anyone kid you that the technological age of computers has cut down on the amount of paper used by us "paper pushers!" Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, has to have a hard copy of EVERYTHING these days. Everything I've done for this volunteer organization is saved on my computer, supposedly to facilitate putting it all onto CD's sometime in the far off future for use by whomever for whatever reason! Yeah, okay! Meanwhile, thanks to having a ream of paper donated for my use, I didn't have to buy any paper this week. Won't even begin to mention how many ink cartridges I've used. Phew, it's expensive being a volunteer! :::giggle:::

I have to attend the "School of the Soldier" next month - a four-day course. Have to drive nearly 70 miles - one way - both days in order to attend, provide my own lunch, of course, buy my own gas, and keep my uniform looking decent! Now, I don't mind attending the classes, mind you. In fact, I'm kinda sorta looking forward to learning all kinds of "neat stuff." It's the expense I will have to incur doing so - because this course is "mandatory" for all of us volunteers! Okay, where does that come into the equation of serving as a volunteer?

Does it appear as if I'm complaining? Not really...well...maybe, just a little bit! Nearly everyone who participates in activities like these comes from the same area as me (there should be about 30 of us who will attend the "School of the Soldier" courses) and it somehow doesn't seem fair that we should have to drive so far when there is an armory where the classes could be held about half the distance away! Everyone, including the instructors, would have approximately the same distance to drive. Now that seems quite logical to me, but I've been told that most of the "brass" doesn't think logically! Did I just say that? Had to look over my shoulder to be sure my company commander wasn't there ready to pop me on the back of my head for insubordination! :::giggle:::

Sure, you say, I could car pool with someone. Have any of you ridden with any of these youngsters lately with whom I might have to ride? Er, ah, uhm, suffice it to say - THANK YOU, BUT NO THANKS! And, then, no telling what time I would get home after they have to stop to eat yet another meal at a restaurant - my pocketbook just couldn't stand that kind of a strain, much less my body from the long hours away from home!! Oh me, it's no fun to be old!!!

Well, I'm really on a roll, wouldn't you say? Think I will celebrate my bravado by getting myself an ice-cold glass of milk and a slice of banana nut bread (toasted and slathered with butter). That might calm me down a tad! Or not! A sugar high in the evening is not a pretty sight to see on an old gal like me! Bouncing off the walls sound familiar???

My good news is that the doctor has released me from his care with the understanding that I won't wear my military boots during extended missions for at least three months. That will work out just fine and dandy, as most of our extended missions won't begin until the end of April and the beginning of May! I am, however, going to start wearing my boots around the house for an hour or so every day to help build up the strength in my right leg and hip ("bone" doctor has given his permission to do so).

Days like today drive me nuts - well, more nuts than usual, that is. Rained too hard to go anywhere, and couldn't get outside just to "putz" around, either. Haven't talked to anyone today - even Miss Freckles has been inordinately quiet today and not as pushy as usual with her demands for "treats." I think I just need to get a life! Hmm, wonder what kind! Any suggestions? Nothing risque, now, please!

Micky Finn is gonna be quiet now!

Icy day and night in the South!

2006-02-18T15:02:00.000-08:00

Today has been a fairly productive day for me. I've been running things all day! For example: the washer, the dryer, the dishwasher, the vacuum cleaner! I'm good at running things that don't take much thought or technical expertise!

I was supposed to meet with a very nice Latino lady this afternoon to help teach her to speak English. However, that didn't come to pass because as I was leaving in my "flivver," little ice pellets bounced happily off my windshield while I heard on the radio the temperature was right at the freezing point! Don't you know this old gal, cowardly lioness that I am, turned my vehicle around and high-tailed it back home. Got a small kittle made of corn chowder to keep my rattly old bones warm - as well as my belly full!

I've just become certified as a Community Emergency Response Team (CERT) Trainer. Attended three 8-hour classes last week, with a hands-on simulated disaster scenario wherein I assisted in the triage area. I'm now certified to teach the CERT program. I'm so very proud of myself because of all the "neat stuff" I've learned over the past couple of years. I can do triage, CPR, life-saving first aid, traffic control (you should see me out in the middle of the street directing traffic - it's a sight to behold!), learned how to properly use a fire extinguisher (actually put out a fire during the training exercise - that was too cool!), know how to determine whether or not a tornado is imminent, and in general, have been trained as a first responder in a time of disaster or an emergency. I hope to be able to serve my community well with my training.

With all I've got going on, for some strange reason I've been inordinately lonely lately. Although I have wonderful friends on whom I can count at any time, my family has finally realized I'm not as young as I used to be and they check up on me quite regularly, and I love my part-time job - I can't help but wish I had someone with whom I can share. Sometimes, I can't help but think "Being a widow sucks!" Terminology leaves much to be desired, but so does the fact that I'm a widow! My walk through what remains of my life would be so much more enjoyable with a caring and loving partner. But then, he would be next to impossible to find - and even if I wanted to look, I wouldn't know where to begin!!!!

Micky Finn has moaned a little bit!

Not much of interest, but here I am anyway!

2006-02-17T12:15:00.000-08:00

Special thanks to "Patty" for informing me about Mama's latest set back. I sure do miss her postings!

Dr. John, I got a big charge out of your message about snow! Know exactly from whence you came, as I was raised in Maine and know what it's like to not see the ground from October until April or May!

The snow about which I and Miss Freckles were so excited lasted until the next morning. Temps rose all through this week - yesterday it was 72 here. Would you like to know what the temperature is outside my door today? Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway! :::giggle::: Right now, at 2:17 p.m., it is 41 degrees. My area of the "Heart of Dixie" is on winter storm watch tonight and tomorrow. Hmm, what is wrong with my last statement? It, somehow, just doesn't compute!! Possible chance we will become iced in tonight and all day tomorrow, with low 30's, high 20's! I can't begin to imagine the crowds at our local Wal Mart SuperCenter today - betcha there's not a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk, or a slice of bologna to be had!

After getting off work yesterday, I went on a splurge. I bought a wireless keyboad (which I am using now) with a nice wrist extension on it. I absolutely love it. My other keyboard has been donated to a friend - good riddance, is what I say!

Is anyone else out there as crazy about the sequence of games by Broderbund called Myst as I am? I have all of the stages of it - got the original Myst solved and am now working on Riven. Well, to be honest, I've done a little peeking into all of the ensuing phases of the game to see what I can see, but will honestly attempt to solve Riven today and tomorrow. This type of "gaming" is about as risky as I get. All the shoot 'em up bang bangs don't interest me very much - I like games where I have to search for and find clues and then solve puzzles or challenges to take me closer to the end of the game. At present, I'm kinda sort stuck in Riven, but hope to be able to overcome when I have the time and fortitude to stay after it for a while!

With the wind coming at us from Alaska and points north and the chance of a bad-weather day tomorrow, the thought of a nice pot of chili or maybe corn chowder surely will assuage the chill.

Hope all is well with my cyberspace friends.

Mickey Finn has prattled!

Snow? Not here, you say?

2006-02-12T04:07:00.000-08:00

Don't believe it if you are told it NEVER snows in the Heart of Dixie! Yesterday afternoon this old Yankee gal (at heart) looked out the kitchen window to see that it was snowing! Oh joy!

After bundling up against the wind and cold, I stepped outside into a shower of swirling snow which was quickly turning my world white. Miss Freckles, in wild abandonment, couldn't focus on just one snowflake - so, she attempted to chase all of them! To compare her movements to that of a whirling dervish would not begin to describe the joy my precious dog displayed! Watching her apparent delight was quite contagious - I found myself trying to catch one of those wildly blowing flakes on my tongue!

I hooked the leash to Miss Freckles' collar and we took a walk in the woods where the beauty of the snow clinging to branches, blades of brown grass, and rocks at the creek was awe inspiring. While at the creek, the snowflakes appeared to be flirting with the flowing water before tumbling reluctantly into the stream.

This morning, my world is still white and very quiet and serene, although the accumulation of snow on the ground amounts to a dusting. We had a hard freeze in the area last night - requiring me to take measures to prevent water pipes from freezing. Today is supposed to be the coldest day of the season, with the temp not to go much above freezing! Next week, we've been promised temperatures in the 60's. Go figure.

Miss Freckles, when she went outside earlier for her morning ablutions, did not linger long. She didn't seem to like the feel of the frozen snow on her feet very much! Can't blame her - I wouldn't like it much, either!

I'm enjoying my second cup of coffee of the morning, watching the blizzard up north on television, and Miss Freckles is keeping my feet warm. Life is good!

Mickey Finn is content!

It's good to feel good!

2006-01-31T16:45:00.000-08:00

It's wonderful to feel good again! Although I have continual pain from my pesky fracture (which is supposedly healed), and arthritis seems to be running rampant these days, I feel good. Lost a little bit more weight, which always seems to make this old gal happy!

Got a telephone call a short while ago from one of my school "chums" from my university days in the 90's. It was wonderful hearing from him - he was an exceptional student and a dear friend to me while I struggled with attending school after 40 years had elapsed since attending high school!!

In fact, when he and his wife got married, I was honored to have stood up with them at the court house on that glorious fall day nearly ten years ago. They swore me to secrecy - as they both were in college and didn't want anyone to know. I didn't tell a soul until they finally had a beautiful reception (which I wasn't able to attend because I was in Amsterdam as an exchange student) two years after their nuptials. Their sweet little girl will soon be two years old and her father has taught her to say "boogerhead," which she quite plainly said to me on the phone! He will rue the day he taught her that, mark my words!

Had a house full of company on Saturday - friends from the Alabama State Defense Force. Both couples are comprised of absolutely crazy men and very quiet and withdrawn wives! Before the day was over, all of them were telling me joke after joke until I had to beg for mercy because I was hurting from the cheeks on my face to the other cheeks!!!! What a fun day it was. I fixed sloppy joes, potato salad, strawberry pizza (a favorite dessert of mine), and what seemed like gallons of coffee! Wasn't a crumb of anything left, either! Miss Freckles was petted and pampered by all, which (of course) she thoroughly enjoyed.

I received a belated birthday present - a HUGE cinnamon candle which is making my house mouth wateringly tantalizing! My birthday was on the 13th of January - and my very good friend (Judy) was here to see to it that I had a very nice day. She took me out to dinner and brought me all kinds of goodies from her "yard sale" jaunts in New York. And, here it is the last day of January already. Phew, the month certainly has flown by much too quickly.

As you can tell, I've really nothing of any great importance about which to write.

Micky Finn has blathered again.

Happy Camper Tonight!

2006-01-25T18:49:00.000-08:00

Isn't it wonderful when friends drop by to spend the day! Today sped by much too rapidly to suit me because there were so many stories still to hear and laughter to be shared. The walls of my home still echo with the chuckling, guffawing, and chortling that took place within them this day. My sides, belly, and face ache as a result of laughing so much today. What wonderful medicine for my soul!

Miss Freckles made some new friends today! She was an absolute delight to watch as she sniffed everyone over and quickly accepted them - especially when they offered her a treat or two! What a little minx she can be!

As my friends departed, I couldn't help but notice the beautiful sunset - all purples, oranges, pinks, and golds. The stark nakedness of the pecan trees stood out against the lovely panorama in all their rigid glory. I literally stood and stared in awe at the beauty of the western sky this evening, thinking what a glorious way to end a perfect day. My heart sang!

I received - for my birthday - a gift card at my favorite beauty shop for a cut, shampoo, and style! Going tomorrow , before going to work, to have my hair all froo frooed!!! Amy, the beautician who usually only sees me once a year (if I'm fortunate enough to have the funds to visit her for a "hair tuneup") has never failed to make me laugh when she yells as I enter the shop "We only repair them here, we don't build them!" A haircut and nice styling will continue uplifting my spirits - even if the weather is going to be quite cold and blustery! Having my hair done does for me what purchasing a new pair of shoes does for most females!!!

All is well in Mickey Finn's world!

We are what we are.......

2006-01-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

While lunching at my favorite local eatery recently, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation taking place behind me. Three or four ladies were busily reliving their lives with "What if...", "If only...," "I wish I had said or done...," and "I shoulda' done or said..." All of them, at one time or another during their discussion, bluntly stated "My life would have been completely different and much happier if..."

I was astonished at the rampant negativity, apparent unhappiness, and complete despair these ladies portrayed with their eloquently worded pictures of their lives! It appeared to me as if they were reveling in what could or should have been. To not have been able to find anything good to say about what ACTUALLY HAD BEEN made me wonder if they have EVER bothered to look forward. Plus, it caused me to ponder how many times I might have attempted to second-guess myself throughout the years!

What is the old saying - an Optimist sees the glass half full and a Pessimist sees the glass half empty! Well, this old gal will have to plead guilty to being an aggravating optimist. I've always seen the silver lining before the clouds have begun to clear!

Even, when as a child, I endured cruelty beyond imagination from alcoholic parents, I somehow knew I would be okay - thanks to my imaginary friend. "Those who have been abused usually become abusers themselves" is a quote I've heard so many times it makes me want to barf green slime! Those who have committed heinous crimes against others and use the excuse for clemency "I was abused as a child" are merely copping out - in my opinion. "We are what we are because we choose to be what we are" is my favorite saying!

My imaginary friend, Emily Margaret, left me suddenly when I got the grit in my craw at nearly 17 years of age to look my mother in the eye and tell her "If you ever try to beat or hit me again, I won't be responsible for what I will do." Something in my eyes told her I had FINALLY had enough and I was never beat or hit again. When I told my first husband "You ever raise your hand to me again and I'll kill you," he wasn't sure he believed me. When he tried again to whup up on me, I cold cocked him with an iron skillet full of corn bread fresh out of the oven, gathered up the kids, and walked away to never look back! Needless to say, I didn't kill him, but that man is scared to death of me to this day and I've not seen him in 40 years!!!

But, I have digressed from the main theme of today's writing. The conversation I overhead caused me to ponder why I've always maintained a positive attitude about life and I think I came up with the answer. I've usually been too busy looking ahead to bother with looking back.

Oh sure, there are days I get down and feel like throwing a pity party for myself (but then, who would I invite??? LOL), and I've endured tragedies which should have put me in the rubber room at the funny farm. And being a widow is the furthest state of living I ever could have imagined being in at my age.

Somehow, though, the boot straps have always been there when I've needed to pull myself up by them! And, something good has always come from whatever bad has occurred to lift me up and put a smile in my heart and on my face! When I thought this all through, I found myself feeling very sorry for those ladies who supposed had nothing good to make them look ahead.

Optimism Rules!

Mickey Finn is through pontificating!

I'm back!!!!

2006-01-20T13:14:00.000-08:00

A special note to Mama Mouse * I am on the mend, thankfully. Had a terrible bout with bronchial pneumonia, even though I had pneumonia shot two years ago. There were a few days there that I was absolutely sure I wasn't going to make it. Thank you for your concern, Mama! It means a lot more to me than you will ever know.

As a result of being sick for a protracted period of time, I was unable to post, think, and barely breathe! In fact, if it hadn't been for a wonderful friend from New York (who has a winter home in the southern part of Alabama) who came to "take care of me," I'd probably still be sick! Talk about a bossy lady! Phew, she kept me straight in spite of myself! ;-)

My dear friend took excellent care of me - although there were a few times I found myself wishing she would just go away and leave me alone. Didn't matter to her one bit, let me tell you. She and I were school chums when I was in college back in the 90s! She bossed me around then, too! LOL

Now, she is on her way back to New York to help her father (who is 84 years old) sell his rental property, his house, and move back to LA (lower Alabama) with her within the next couple of months - or so they hope, anyway. Somehow, thank you just didn't seem appropriate enough to let her know how much I appreciated her friendship and loving (if slightly bossy) care of me.

Isn't it wonderful to have friends! Oh my, but I am richly blessed with kind, considerate, and loving friends. They are worth more to me than any worldly possession could ever match or even compare!

Yesterday I began to feel more like myself than I have in a couple of weeks and I could actually TASTE something other than cardboard! Yuck!

And, the best news of all is I went to my "bone" doctor yesterday afternoon and got ALMOST a clean bill of health where my fractured pelvis is concerned. I must still rely upon my cane outside of my home (where I have plenty of "stuff" upon which I can lean if necessary) and must continue hydra therapy for approximately 3 months more. I'm a sight for sore eyes in a pair of baggy shorts and goofy looking tee-shirt during hydra therapy, believe you me!!!! This old gal WILL NOT be seen in a bathing suit - and hasn't been for over 25 years! Everything has gone South, you know what I mean?

Miss Freckles is a happy dog NOW - she about went nuts with "Mom" laid up in bed for such a long time. She hasn't left my side since Tuesday - the first day I spent any length of time out of bed! Poor baby! And, I think she's happy it's just "me and she" again!

Happy days have come to Mickey Finn!

Pachyderm pooh?

2006-01-10T03:30:00.000-08:00

I feel about as good as warmed-over pachyderm pooh this morning. Supposed to work today, but think yours truly will stay cuddled up under the covers in my bed and hope I feel better SOON. Hope it's not bronchitis (a usual malady of mine in winter - and I use the term "winter" lightly here), but rather just a really bad cold.

Never know how to dress these days. One day the high will be in the mid 30s, and the next day the high is in the mid 70s. One day of winter and then one day of spring - the poor trees and flowering shrubs are very confused as to whether or not they should sleep or get busy blooming!!!

I shamelessly will place the URL for my embroidery website here in hopes SOMEONE who drops in here will visit my site might be inspried to purchase one or more of my designs:
http://home.mindspring.com/~wease2u/. Haven't sold a design in a few months now and haven't had time to create any new ones lately, either.

Just tried to drink a cup of coffee - throat protested loudly. So, this is all I've got to say this morning and will shuffle off to take some medicine, then into the bed (with electric blanket ON), and possibly sleep this mess away.

Micky Finn is down for the day!

Patty has tagged me - AGAIN!

2006-01-06T21:01:00.000-08:00

That Patty - tagged me once again. So, here goes:

4 jobs you've had in your life
Summer companion to movie star's daughter at ripe old age of 15 - absolutely had a blast!
Cross-country truck driver - traveled 48 contiguous states, Canada, and Mexico. Ask me about it some day!
Self-employed as accountant for 40 years - I could tell you SOME stories!
Self-taught computer technician and taught how to use Windows 98 and 2000 to senior citizens
Best job - being a Mom and Gram!
(many more jobs throughout my life, but these are some that are worth mentioning)

4 movies you would see over and over
Gone With the Wind
The Green Mile
Casa Blanca
Dr. Zvhiago

4 places you've lived
South Portland, Maine - until age of 18
Columbus, Georgai - arm pit of the world!
Weinheim, Germany - 4 years
Ozark, Alabama - 4 years
Amsterdam, Holland - 6 months as an exchange student at age of 59

4 T V shows you love to watch
CSI - the original version
Martha Stewart
Extreme Makeover - Home Edition
HGTV network - all the time!!!

4 websites you visit daily
www.pogo.com - love to play solitaire and word whomp there
www.4daily.com - trying to make money online
www.blogspot.com - visit all my new cyberspace friends' sites
www.yahoo.com - check my secondary e-mail site there

4 favorite foods
lobster - I think! It's been 15 years since I've tasted it, so not sure anymore!
medium rare rib-eye steak - hmm, been a looooong time since had one of them, too!
dark chocolate - 3 ounces a day will do me, when I think to buy it, that is!
my best friend's macaroni salad - it's to die for!

4 places you'd rather be
many years, ago I'd havegiven serious consideration to my rather being anywhere than here. But, now, it's home and I can't think of anyplace else that will bring me as much joy and contentment.

Thanks, Patty, for tagging me. You are a hoot!

Mickey Finn is now untagged!

Not exactly wind in the willows, but...

2006-01-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

I don't often think about the wind or breezes or slight wafts of barely moving air, but tonight I couldn't help but hear the wind.

There are oaks, pines, red buds, dogwoods, pecans, poplars, maples, water oaks, a stand of bamboo, and the ever unpoplular hedge bushes around my home, along with a slightly dilapidated parking shed (used to store wood), a large garage, and a small metal storage building located strategically around my property. I'm not sure whether or not my ears are super keen on sounds, but as the wind wends its way through the various barriers, there are definitely different tones which are magical to me.

A gentle breeze wafting the leaves of the maples whispers a promise of opening all the windows to let the air move about more freely while lightly stirring the pine needles together to afford a slightly off-key thrumming of celebration. The smaller trees - dogwoods and red buds - strive to raise their young branches into the breeze to sing their rustling song in perfect harmony. The pecans, poplars, water oaks, and large oak trees majestically stand silently awaiting a heavier breath of air to stir their souls.

Tonight, there is a heary wind blowing in from the north. The music of the wind is entirely different now. Some of the branches of the poplars and largest oak tree scrub against the metal roof of the old parking shed in a definite 3/4 time, while through the eaves of the house the wind awakens unseen ghosts who keen in delight and celebrate their short-term freedom. The dried bamboo plays the part of the majestic organ with its many-toned pipes lending a pomposity to the overall orchestration. The pecans bend and bow in a gracefully strident dance of glee as if the ecstasy of the wind were for their pleasure only, while the pines, in utter abandonment of their stately grace, twist and shake their branches with sighs laden with great joy. The hedge bushes scrape against each other in a creaking cadence. The leafless maples emit a sorrowful dirge to mourn the loss of their beautiful foliage, but stand straight and tall as if in defiance of the wind. And, as the wind blows between the house and the garage and bounces off the metal storage building, tones which would challenge the best contralto seem to be in competition with the rest of nature's musicians around me. Listening to the blending of these lovely sounds is comforting to me, although it means the temperature is dropping rapidly and it will be cold enough in the morning the freeze the belly of a brass Buddha!

Isn't it wonderful what we can hear when we take the time to truly listen?

Micky Finn has listened!

I have decided!

2006-01-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

It's a brand-new year, and I'm kinda sorta thinking of developing a brand-new attitude! Especially since I've found myself in another "transition" in my life. I'm a wobbly walking, widowed, working woman (albeit part-time), and won't willingly whimper, whine, or wimp out in 2006! I have decided!

Taking that part-time job was the best thing that could have happened to me. I not only enjoy what I'm doing, as well as enjoy having a few coins rattling in my pocket on occasion, but it's helped my outlook on life, shined up my rather dulled grey matter, and even with a cane, has put a little bit of a spring into my step! Granted, the bossman is a jerk, but I've been promised when I am working he will remain FAR, FAR AWAY from me! I can chortle about it now, but at the time it happened, I wasn't exactly the happiest camper this side of the Mississippi!

I soon will celebrate yet another birthday - still can't figure out what happened to those wonderful "golden" years I've heard so much about. But, if I want my remaining years to be golden, silver, or any other precious metal - I'm gonna have to make them so myself! So there! I have decided!

My birthday will be spent at the "bone" doctor's office in the morning, and my regular family doctor will give me the once over in the afternoon! Hopefully, I will have all restricted activities restored to me - all digits are crossed and am adding a special prayer for myself! Not exactly the way one would prefer to spend one's birthday, but one must do what one must do - no matter what! I have decided!

Been saving my extra funds ever since I started my job and have splurged on an Oreck vaccuum cleaner! Gosh Golly Gee, but what a surprise when I put it to use this afternoon! I discovered my carpet is really chocolate brown and not sorta kinda grayish/whitish/yuck! I love Miss Freckles dearly, but when she blows her coat, it's not pretty what happens to my floors! And I had promised myself to never again have a long-haired dog! Yeah, right! I had decided, but Miss Freckles didn't give me much choice at the Dog Pound the day I got her - she chose me from the get go! She may be a mutt, but she's the best friend I could ever hope to have. Wish my kids had behaved as well as she does! Anyway, I digress. The Oreck is expensive, but what a wonderful job it does. Haven't tried the hand-held canister vaccuum yet - but if it can lift up a bowling ball, it will clean out the corners and edges just fine. I have decided!

One of my friend's sister is on life support in a hospital in Maryland - her prognosis doesn't look good at all. I was honored that my friend called me today to share her worry and grief - being a good friend to those who matter most to me is such a joy and privilege. I will continue to strive to be a good friend. I have decided!

I wish for all who read my ramblings herein a blessed and rewarding new year. I've made some wonderful new friends via cyberspace and your postings have uplifted, enlightened, and encouraged me, as well as teaching me some things about myself.

Micky Finn is going to make every effort to be the best person she can be no matter what!

I have decided!

Happy New Year to Me!

2006-01-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness the year 2005 is in the past! Especially so the last week of the year, as it proved to be not only traumatic, but completely horrid!

My company from Hell was asked to leave - BY ME! Something I've never done before and I certainly do hope never has to be done again! From the moment they entered my home, I was the object of ridicule, criticism, and sarcasm. I managed to hold myself together quite well when the meatloaf was too salty (no salt in the meatloaf at all - I haven't cooked with salt in many, many years), home-made applesauce was too sweet (not a bit of sugar was in it), my dog wouldn't make friends with them (she's no dummy!), it was too hot in the house (had to turn on air conditioning even though it was 58 degrees outside and I froze my bum), and on and on and on!

They couldn't sleep because they were used to having an electric blanket to keep them warm - took electric blanket off my bed and let them warm their bones with it, while air conditioner is still running to keep the house at their required temperature. (Thought I might have frost bite on my toes and fingers at this point!) They were in bed by 7:00 p.m. and they could hear the television in the living room, so I was banished to my bedroom where they wouldn't be able to hear that television playing. Then, they complained because it was THEN too quiet, making it difficult to go to sleep, you understand!

Next day --- I was up extra early to get coffee going (wasn't decaf, but they weren't told that as I started to get smart after a sleepless night) and start planning breakfast. They can't eat anything with wheat in it, so I just happened to have some bran meal (phew) and made pancakes for them. They don't like maple syrup - only blueberry - so took frozen blueberries and equal to make syrup for them. The sausage was too spicy (was the mildest that Jimmy Dean makes!), and the eggs weren't cooked HARD enough for them (scrambled the life out them!). After a while, they noticed my ASDF uniform hanging in my sewing/ironing/catchall room. When I was asked what that was all about, how much fun they had telling me "An old fart like you has no business taking part in such a volunteer-type activity - don't you know everyone in it makes fun of you behind your back because of your age, your inability to keep up, blah, blah, blah." Still was holding it together quite well - for me, at least!

We went out to eat later in the day (of course, my treat), and the litany continued. My car wasn't comfortable enough (it's a Lincoln Town Car for Pete Sakes), it took too long to get to the restaurant (I live in the country and 11 miles isn't that far to me), they sent back their steaks 3 times because they weren't done JUST RIGHT either time, salad bar wasn't to their liking because there weren't enough selections of dressing from which to choose (I think 8 selections pretty well covers most tastes), and whoever heard of drinking "iced tea" with a meal - how barbaric! I'm still holding it together pretty well, but was so tense I don't think I even ate anything all that day - drank plenty of coffee, though! So, I was pretty much a time bomb waiting to blow.

And, the inevitable happened - I blew! When we got back from our sojourn to the steak house, my company noticed the flag enclosed in the lovely cherry wood case. Upon reading the nice little card attached which notes Kermit's service in Viet Nam, the following statement was made: "Oh he served in Viet Nam - wonder how many babies HE killed."

I know I blew because I ever so impolitely asked my company to leave my house as soon as possible - cannot actually remember anything I said beyond that. It's impossible for me to explain to anyone how very angry, shocked, and hurt I was! They shouldn't have said what they said, especially in my home. They shouldn't have treated me like I was less of a person than them because I live in the south where EVERYONE is illiterate, related to each other, and still fighting the Civil War! Hmm, they've been to Alabama once in their entire lives and know everything about what it's like to live here.

They left - exclaiming they couldn't understand why I had gotten so upset. Duhh, take a look in the mirror, folks!

Micky Finn is not apologizing for her company, much less asking them to leave!

Company? Coming Here? Next Week? Oh NO!

2005-12-23T17:03:00.000-08:00

My brain is - at present - on a slight vacaction from my head. In fact, I might not be able to recover said brain until sometime within the next week or even longer!

I'm going to have company next week. The two who will be visting my home for the FIRST TIME are in all practicalities strangers to me. Although one of the visitors is supposed to be close to me, we've never had what could be construed as a relationship! To be completely truthful, we've never really liked each other very much!

I've not seen these folks in 16 years. My emotions are a total mish-mosh. And, I think my normally low blood pressure has spiked completely off the charts! While I'm mildly excited about the visit, I'm also experiencing trepidation - fear even! For the three days and a half days my company will be present in my home will I have to be ever alert to what I should or shouldn't say? And if I do say it, will it be misunderstood or have a totally from the "far side" twist placed on it?

I'm not the same "never say anything to prevent problems" kind of person I used to be when they thought they knew so much about me. They won't be able to push me into corners out of which I would never make an effort to rescue myself. In fact, they don't know me and I'm as much a stranger to them as they are strangers to me.

Oh joy, the cover to this can of worms which has been opened doesn't seem to fit snugly anymore. Guess I will have to do the best with what I've got to do with and hang the end results! Yeah, right! If I even believed one syllable of that statement, I wouldn't be sitting here at the computer typing this into my blog site!

Micky Finn has whimpered!

Miss Freckles' Week!

2005-12-18T17:16:00.000-08:00

Franklin, the resident squirrel is no more! Miss Freckles finally caught him - literally. Franklin was up on the roof of the house when Miss Freckles charged outside to protect her empire. Franklin made a leap for the oak tree, missed, and Miss Freckles was there to put Franklin down! Poor Franklin, but hoorah for Miss Freckles. Miss Freckles and I had been listening to Franklin scampering around on top of the house and I know what damage squirrels can do - so I'm not mourning his loss too much. And, I know Miss Freckles is glad to have that pesky critter done for!

However, this week has truly been one for my erstwhile protectress! Yesterday, she caught and snapped the neck of the very aggresive and scary Pauline, the possum. Pauline attempted to attack me more than once as I would wander toward the garage to get the car out. Swinging at her with a broom did nothing but anger her that much more. But, Miss Freckles would have none of that yesterday. She charged outside when I went to get the car out of the garage and Pauline and she had a very nasty exchange until Miss Freckles decided she was the one in charge and grabbed the possum by the neck, shook a couple of times, and Pauline went on to possum heaven. As there were five baby possums nestled snuggly in a crate where Miss Freckles couldn't get to them, I called the forestry department and they sent a couple of nice folks to rescue the babies.

And, this morning, the teasing Wally the Wabbit is also no more. Miss Freckles had had about enough of him and caught him in mid hop as he attempted to get through the chain-link fence. She has prissed around as if she were the last of the great hunters. It is strange, though, that I've only told her once to not bother the deer when they come into the yard and she just glances at them and leaves them completely alone. We both enjoy sitting on the porch to watch the deer graze on the remains of the pecan crop!

My mutt dog is a wonder dog. She is highly protective of me. Earlier this summer some calves managed to evade the electric fence around their pasture and they romped around in my yard until their owners came to get them. As I attempted to shoo them away, Miss Freckles got between me and them and then proceeded to have a wonderful time herding them into one tightly-knit group and even helped the calves' owners herd them back into the pasture. It was delightful to watch her. Guess I should keep the gate closed, but when the deer come to call they are a pleasure to watch.

Critter population has been altered by Miss Freckles. It's her yard and her territory, but can't help but feel just a tad sorry that Franklin is no more.

Micky Finn has spouted off.

My heart is full!

2005-12-10T19:59:00.000-08:00

Just have to write about the Christmas party I attended tonight. I am the clerk for Company D of the Alabama State Defense Force (ASDF) and we had our company Christmas party tonight - with a buffet style Christmas dinner with all the fixings!

After partaking of the wonderful food, our out-going Top Sergeant handed over his position to our new acting Top Sergeant - a female. I might add right here that all the Senior NCO's of our company are female (of which I am proud to be one)! Hooah!

The commander presented the out-going Top Sergeant with a beautiful placque of appreciation, which was highlighted with a photograph of the entire company (43 strong!). He was touched and not many dry eyes then!

Then, surprise of surprises, I was called forward and directed to a chair which was laughingly referred to as the "hot seat." I was completely taken aback to be called forward, with no knowledge of what I had done or hadn't done to be the center of attention all of a sudden. The commander then called the XO and the new Top Sergeant forward and I thought I had done something wrong or was going to be "roasted." Lo and behold, I was presented with an American Flag, shell casings shined to a magnificent brilliance, and a case for the flag on behalf of my deceased husband. You see, I never received a flag when Kermit died (he was retired/disabled from the U. S. Army, with combat service in Viet Nam) and I recall telling a certain person about it. She, the now Top Sergeant, swore the entire company to secrecy and set about seeing to it that I received a flag. Never have I been so touched by anything as I was when that flag was handed to me. Needless to say, I blubbered like a baby. And, to be honest, I don't believe there were many of those present (32 of us) that weren't wiping away a tear or two.

Then, the commander was called forward to sit in the "hot seat." The senior staff presented him with a beautiful briefcase, with a brass tag on which was etched his name, rank, and company name. He was as surprised with his gift as I was with mine - once again tears ran freely.

We played "dirty Santa" with the gifts after that - and laughter was just what this old gal needed! Hilarity reigned supreme when one particular gal had everything she selected taken away from her, as well as the commander. I came away with a MagLite, something I have wanted for a long time. I took it away from the commander - nervy of me, right? NOT!

It was an absolutely wonderful evening, spent with people I know care about me a great deal. Nothing can be any better than that!

Mickey Finn has spouted off.

Freezing Fog?

2005-12-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

Awoke this morning to a world completely encased in a heavy blanket of fog, which was freezing onto the ground practically before my eyes. My front porch was a miniature skating rink! Poor Miss Freckles, as she attempted to make a hasty exit from the house to her "special" place in the yard, very nearly splatted herself into the pecan tree in the front yard because she just couldn't get a good foot hold on ANYTHING!

I heard a freight train tooting its mournful song from almost 13 miles away, that's how eerily quiet it was at 6:00 this morning. I don't hear the trains as they swoosh through town very often, but this morning I had to look carefully to make sure it wasn't coming down my road! There wasn't a breath of air moving and I could very nearly hear the fog as it crashed onto the ground and froze.

As I headed for work this morning, I noticed fishermen were putting their boats into the backwater. Through a break in the fog, I could see the disjointed head and shoulders of a man who apparently was standing in his boat. Kinda sorta gave me the shivers and the hair on the back of my head stood straight out at the apparition! Surreal doesn't explain how it looked and felt!

I didn't stay at work long - heater in the office quit and it became much too cold to continue working. Now, for those of you in really cold climes, 28 degrees probably doesn't seem cold to you. But to those of us who often find ourselves complaining about 100 degree weather being a tad on the warm side, 28 degrees is taxing to our thin blood!

After the fog lifted, the sky was so blue it actually hurt to look at it. Bright sunshine with no warmth to it tempted me to go outside to search for pecans, but believe me when I say it wasn't but a short time in that still, cold, crisp air before I was heading for a warm place to recover from the full body shivers from which I found myself suffering! Never had had any Long Johns, but am seriously contemplating purchasing a set for this winter! Great grimy gobs of greasy, gritty, gummy, goofy, gopher guts - I'm a wus!

Franklin, my resident squirrel, is minus most of his tail tonight! He was not quite quick enough to evade Miss Freckles' snapping teeth. She, Miss Freckles got a mouth full of squirrel tail fur, and Franklin escaped to the top of the oak tree in a snit because of his naked tail! Miss Freckles had a rather bemused expression on her face when she realized all she had was fur and no squirrel! It was a very funny episode - a comedy of errors almost!

Mickey Finn has spouted off!

To those who are offended - Phhfft!

2005-12-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

I've about had it. And, I hope there are others out there who feel the same way. Telling me that saying "Merry Christmas" is wrong is like telling me not to say "Hello" when I answer my telephone!

Who are they and what is the deal with people who say they are offended by a sign stating Merry Christmas or hearing someone wish Merry Christmas to others? What planet are they from, will someone please tell me? I have Jewish friends who wish me Merry Christmas and I wish them Happy Channakuh (pardon the spelling, please). I have a couple of Muslim friends who don't hesitate to tell me Merry Christmas - and I even know some folks who claim to be atheists who have never backed down from wishing me and others a Merry Christmas.

Why should I refrain from wishing friends and family Merry Christmas because some jerk claims to be offended by it? Hmm, seems that something is badly akimbo here! This old gal isn't going to stop saying Merry Christmas, I definitely won't stop praying, and I will continue to include the words "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance! Are you offended? If so, I feel sorry for you because you are the one with a problem, not me!

Micky Finn has spouted off!

Can't be nearly Christmas already!

2005-12-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone - where the heck did October go, would someone please tell me?! For Pete's sake, it was day before yesterday when we all were celebrating the 4th of July! Now it's the Christmas season, with winter promising lots of cold and yucky (a technical term) weather for the next few months, creeping up at a fast gallop! Gosh golly gee, what have I done with this entire year?

Decided to stay on with my part-time job. Had a long, long, long talk with the boss man - waited until he had taken his proper medicine at the proper time before I did it, though! My Momma didn't raise any fools - but then, she didn't have no kids what lived, neither! LOL

He will stay out of my way when I am working - will not even make an appearance at the office if he knows I am there. He only gets this one chance, you understand! At my age, I certainly don't intend to take filthy language and obscene gestures while at work - or any place else, either! He was kind enough, though, to say a nice "Thank You" for the $30,000.00 I rescued for him and his company for the month of October!

It's cold in the Heart of Dixie! Had to leave water dripping rather rapidly last night to prevent pipes from freezing - have to do the same tonight, it appears from the weather forecast. Might even have some icing and possible snow showers on Thursday. I'd love to see a couple of feet of snow during the winter - the entire state would be shut down if that were to happen. I remember in March of 1993 we got a HUGE snowstorm (for this part of the country, anyway) and I was snowed in here at my home for six days. Loved every minute of it, but locals were not very happy with the situation at all. There's something very special about the quietness that snow on the ground brings to the country side. And, it's fun to see all the tracks of the "critters" who seem to like to roam around my property.

Pecan trees are producing quite a nice crop this year - wish I could stay ahead of the squirrels, crows, racoons, possums, turkeys, and deer that are thoroughly enjoying the harvest, though! They've gotta eat, too, and it's delightful to watch out the front window as they munch and crunch away! Besides, I've got all I will want to use and have given away many bags full - let the critters enjoy, is what I say!

Going to a Christmas party on Saturday evening. It's the ASDF Company D Christmas party, which should be lots of fun. We are going to do the "dirty Santa" with the present exchange, which usually is good for lots of laughs! Looking forward to the night out.

Can't believe how long it's been since I've posted. Haven't really had anything worthwhile about which to write, and when I've thought of something I thought might be of interest, it's usually so late at night that the eyeballs won't cooperate by staying open! Aw shucks, I might just as well admit to being an old hag and get it over with!

Micky Finn has spouted off!

HELP!

2005-11-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

If I've ever wondered what it would be like to work for someone with A D D, is Bi-Polar, has high blood pressure, is diabetic, morbidly obese, and knows everything about everything - well, now I know what it is like. I've known the boss man and boss lady for nearly 30 years and have always worked closely with her. Never had to work with him before - no matter what work I was doing!

Worked three days this week - had much to do! Boss man showed up yesterday with an ATTITUDE as a result of taking wrong medications at wrong time of day, even though his wife patiently fixed his daily dosages into little pill boxes labeled a.m. and p.m.! He took a.m. at night and p.m. in the morning - upsetting his little apple cart BIG TIME. (Wonder if he has a reading problem, too?) I've been cussed at by experts, but this man yesterday threw words at me I would never have believed existed, much less would be said by this man to me - in front of two of his daughters, his wife, and a vendor!

Now, I'm known to have LOTS of patience and some measure of understanding and compassion. However, I'd just saved the company nearly $30,000.00 and wasn't expected to be told "You are an imcompetent ass, a worthless c--t, and probably have the intelligence of a dumb-ass prosititute on drugs," along with many other even more vile invectives! The vendor was there to deliver a check for the funds I had found the company had been underpaid for loads of coal delivered in October, mind you. This dumb-struck gentleman handed the check to ME, and asked "You aren't going to stand there and take that are you, Ma'am?"

Gazillions of things came to my mind to say, but I am very proud of what I DID DO. I calmly handed the check to my boss man, said "Happy Thanksgiving," gathered my purse and jacket and left the premises before anyone could see my tears and without saying another word. Don't think I wasn't one angry old gal - I was absolutely livid, When I get crying mad, I'm usually very dangerous to be around. (Thankfully I had already been given my paycheck by the boss lady!)

Needless to say, it didn't take me very long to drive that 21.8 miles home! Phew, it's a wonder I didn't get pulled over and ticketed, 'cuz I more than broke the speed limit - I know I shattered it!

She (the boss lady) called me last night to apologize for her husband's actions. Can you believe it? She wasn't the one who acted in an inappropriate manner - her husband was! She begged me to not quit working for them. Maybe I'm being hard-nosed about this, but I believe an apology is due me from HIM! And, I told her exactly that!

She said (and I quote exactly) "H E L L (she spelled it because she won't even say the word) will freeze over before he will do that." My response was "I absolutely refuse to work when he is going to be around because I won't be responsible for what I might say to him." He (the boss man) apparently told her to apologize FOR HIM and to tell me thank you for working so hard to recover the funds he received yesterday. Yeah, right! Like that makes it all better! NOT!

I've been assured I won't EVER have to be in his presence again. So, I'm in a quandary and would like some advice from whomever may read this posting. What do I do? Do I continue working there or not?

Mickey Finn has blasted off!

Just some blathering!

2005-11-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in what seems ages, but it hasn't really been that long.

This old gal is once again among the working force - albeit part-time. The two days I work each week have proven to be good medicine for me. It's wonderfully exciting to feel productive and useful again! And, the money is almost beginning to match the length of the month!! Awesome!

I took part in a towel swap in one of the embroidery groups to which I belong. Have sent out the three towels to the ladies in my group, but haven't heard from them yet. Either they don't like them or they are busy getting their towels done to send to me!

Attended a CPR/First Aid class yesterday through the Alabama State Defense Force (ASDF). The class was invaluable to me - everyone should take the course whenever it is offered by the Red Cross or any other agency. However, I wasn't able to receive my CPR certification because I couldn't get down onto the floor to do CPR on one of the ugliest dummies I've ever seen! Will have to wait until doctor clears me for light activities before I can complete that portion of the class. Had a good time applying a pressure bandage and putting an arm in a sling on one of the unfortunate attendees who had me as a partner!

Will someone please tell me what happened to the month of October? I've either been busy or dizzy - can't determine which - for the time to get away from me so quickly.

Did learn, much to my disappointment, that another holiday season will come and go without any of my family able to be with me. They will be scattered to the four winds from Thanksgiving through the new year. Anyone got an extra turkey leg they wanna throw my way? Tee hee!!!!

I'm in the process of making some very nice patches which I hope to be able to sell to members of my company and others in the ASDF. Got three stitched up so far, but am falling behind on Christmas gifts I hope to get done for friends and family.

Going to the "bone" doctor on the 15th - hopefully he will tell me to get on with my life in a more normal manner! Still have lots of pain when I'm on my feet a lot, but that goes with the territory of being older than dirt, I believe! Doubt I will be able to wear my uniform boots, as they sometimes feel as if they weigh 50 pounds each! But, I've been permitted to attend meetings/drills in flat black shoes, which has helped me a lot.

One of these days, I will post a photo here of what I look like in my Battle Dress Uniform (BDU). It will give someone a laugh, I am sure!

Hope all is well with my blogging buddies.

Micky Finn has blathered a little bit!

Just When You Think...

2005-10-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you know someone really well, that person does something which astounds, disappoints, or terrifies you.

I've recently been disappointed and astonished by someone whom I thought I knew quite well. A previously unperceived attitude - which apparently had been very well hidden from me - surfaced and made me feel very uneasy, even somewhat afraid.

Just when you think you've seen everything, you realize you haven't!

One sleepless night, while channel surfing, I was held fast by a couple of commercials I'd never seen before. One was for condoms and the other was for a wonderful product called "warming jelly." I was amazed by the fact I had no knowledge about either product. Maybe now I had better be more careful about saying "I've seen everything!"

Just when you think you see light at the end of that long, dark tunnel, you become suddenly aware the light is a nasty train running 60 miles per hour to knock you off your feet!

My fractured bone has been healing quite nicely! I got over-confident and went grocery shopping without my cane. Needless to say, I picked up a box of dog biscuits (weighing only 8 lbs.) and twisted myself incorrectly. Down into a rather disheveled heap I went and, of course, didn't a crowd gather. Recovering from my total humiliation and realizing what a horrid mistake I had made, I ended up having to buy another cane before I left the store. That light I saw was more than likely a "fig newton" of my imagination!

Just when you think life is the pits, you suddenly become aware of all the cherries you've enjoyed along the way!

Ruminating about things I've done, places I've been, people I've met, and good and bad times has strengthened the need for and the importance of my memories. Turning the pages of my memory book affords me great comfort.

Micky Finn has spouted off!

I've been tagged! Woo Hoo!

2005-10-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I've been tagged! Thanks Patty for tagging me!

Myself - I had to learn to like myself in order to live alone with myself.

Wisdom - Learning is the key to wisdom (for me, at least). As I grow older, the more I learn, the less I seem to know.

Regrets - The good, the bad, and the ugly throughout my life taught me regrets are nothing more than smoke blown into the wind.

Family - Although I feel as if I've been abandoned by my family, I love them dearly and pray for their continued success and happiness.

Films - Favorites continue to be Gone with the Wind, The Green Mile, The Godfather, Free Willy, and Casablanca.

Faith - Without my strong faith, I would be a very weak human being.

Blogging - Who would have thunk it? This old gal has received much joy, has cried many tears, and has learned from reading the blogs posted by new blogging buddies and unknown, but interesting, folks.

Words - Words can neither be retracted nor forgotten. Words have hurt me much worse than physical abuse. Physical scars heal, but scars left by hurtful words fester forever.

Friends - My friends are the roses in my garden of life.

Ideas - What good is there in having ideas if they are not acted upon and brought to fruition?

Final Transition? Hmm, I wonder!

2005-10-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing where one can find a friend who gives a boost just when it is needed? Isn't it even more amazing when one finds many friends who give encouragement and offer just the right touch at just the right time? Discovering the world of blogging has been one of the best experiences of my life because of you, my cyberspace friends. To all of you who've given me a soft place to fall during my writing of "transitions," Thank You. A special hug goes out to Milt who sent me virtual yellow roses. How touched I am.

Adapting to these years of widowhood have been especially difficult for me. Not that my situation is any worse than that for other widows or widowers. Everyone who loses his/her spouse is never prepared for what life will be like after the funeral. Once the friends have stopped coming by and the families think he/she will eventually recuperate from the loss, the reality of it all hits like a ton of bricks.

The transition from being half of a couple to being alone - truly alone - was, at first, completely terrifying to me. My home became my cave into which I hermitized myself for months on end away from the world and everyone in it. Although we had been in the process of selling Kermit's house and moving into mine, he'd never lived here as our transition from there to here would have taken place during the days after he died - the week of my graduation from college. His clothes and personal items were in packing boxes scattered throughout the house. I had earlier hung a nice portrait of him and some photos of us together on various walls, but there were no memories of him upon which to draw any emotions whatsoever.

The toilet seat was always down, there weren't any of his socks scattered on the floor for me to pick up, the ironing basket didn't contain any of his shirts, there weren't any coffee cup or iced tea glass rings on the tables, the bills were no longer neatly arranged on the dining room table for me to pay, bed covers on my side of the bed stayed on my side of the bed, ashtrays were not longer filled to overflowing, and every television in the house was no longer tuned in to a different sporting event. I didn't even feel as if I belonged here - in my home for which I worked so hard to keep and maintain and that he had helped pay off the mortgage.

Someone once told me it is phenomonal how often when a loved one dies that person becomes a saint to those left behind. The deceased suddenly has never done anything wrong, lived a perfect life, and everyone loved him/her to the enth degree! I, however, missed the things most that used to drive me nuts! The way he would leave out half the details whenever he explained something! The many times he pontificated about store brand versus name brand! He HAD to wear white shirts to the office! How he'd complain about my taking his suits to the cleaners on a regular basis! Did he take his showers in the shower stall or in the middle of the bathroom floor!? He hated it when I cleaned the coffee pot!

However, I'd be a fool to not admit I missed the wonderful times we had together. We always had such a good time grocery shopping together - especially when he'd pull his "Elizabeth, it's the big one" when the total would be rung up on the cash register. It never failed that when we'd go out to eat, he'd walk behind me and say to anyone and everyone, knowing I would blush, "That's my wife, ain't she a corker!" The long drives we took just to explore new places, find quaint shops and wonderful people, and hole-in-the-wall restaurants with terrific food. How we'd giggle while sitting in the middle of the living room floor, each with a spoon at the ready, attacking a half-gallon of coffee icecream and fighting over the very last morsel. He'd sit on the kitchen stool while I would cook and we'd heatedly discuss politics, religion, world happenings, local affairs, and literature. Our fourth anniversary when he showed his romantic side by hiring a limousine for a drive to see the sights at night, ending up at a very fancy schmancy restaurant where he'd arranged for the waiter to place a diamond heart pendant in a glass of champagne for me to find as my anniversary surprise. The day he went to bat for me at school because I was being discriminated against because of my age - that was something to see and hear! Plus many, many more wonderful memories were made during the short time we were husband and wife.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I've learned to adapt. Not that I didn't do it kicking and screaming all along the way, you understand. I used to actually feel Kerm's presence whenever I would sit down to do a crossword puzzle - something we used to do together - and I would tell him "Stop doing my puzzle for me!" because I would be literally racing through the puzzle without even thinking about what I was doing. He's stopped helping me - what a fool I am!

I don't put off going to the grocery store for as long a time as I used to - although it still remains a chore to me! When I feel myself getting down and blue, I get out of the house to either go for a ride (not so much now since gas is so expensive), call a friend and have a good chat on the phone, or work on creating a new embroidery design. I've recently started a part-time job which has uplifted me more than I ever could have imagined - both emotionally and finacially. Since Katrina and Rita roared through the South, I've realized I'm in a terrific state compared to those who have lost everything, including family members. And, the best part about this transition in my life is the fact that I have had boundless joy - even though it was for a short time. Some people never have that in their lives and I'm grateful to have experienced such a wonderful blessing.

Another transition

2005-10-15T04:28:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to explain (even to myself) how hard it was to trust anyone after having been lied to on a constant basis for a long time. Trusting myself was a nearly impossible task. My gut feeling as the result of a "first impression" had been tested and failed miserably too many times to be relied upon ever again. I became cynical, doubting, and totally insulated against everyone. And, I didn't like myself very much during this period in my life!

My family marvled at my "strength!" My friends never doubted that I would rebound quickly! Those with whom I worked, however, thought I was a time bomb about to go off at any time! My fellow workers offered me solace, comfort, and help - which I declined. I was certain there would be some kind of string attached to their assistance. Oh my, but I was a total wreck for about two years.

I worked, slept, ate when I had to, and worked! When I look back over that period of time, it startles me to know I was existing, but not living. There is a definitive difference between the two, but I couldn't see it at the time.

One Sunday evening, a neighbor of mine came by to visit with me - I hadn't seen her in a long time. We had been sitting in the kitchen chatting like magpies when she suddenly blurted out, "I've done something that will probably make you angry at me, but ask me if I care!" Imagine how I felt when she told me she had responded to a lovelorn column in the newspaper - using my name and phone number! To say I was flabbergasted would be putting it mildly! When I recovered from my shock, I then quickly became quite angry at her audacity. I am not a cussing woman, but I came very close to loosing my correct usage of the English language that day.

During a lull in my tirade about what she had done, she very calmly announced I should expect a phone call within a matter of minutes! Off I went into another tangent! It was not pretty!

Sure enough, the phone rang about twenty minutes later. I can still feel the anger I had within my very being at that moment when I picked up the phone and in a very sarcastic tone said "Hello."
I heard a very nice man's voice ask to speak to Wease (my alias for most of my life). I recall practically screaming "Speaking," all the while shaking all over with a combination of anger and terror! When I said "This isn't a good time for me to talk to anyone," he very politely told me he would call me back at another time. And, I thought, that is that!

The following Sunday evening, at practically the same time, the telephone rang and it was that same man's voice I heard on the other end! He quickly stated he had been informed by my neighbor I hadn't been looking for a fellow but I could use a good friend and all he wanted was to become my friend. He told me his name, where he lived, what kind of work he did, how old he was, and all other information he thought was pertinent for me to know. I told him nothing! I wasn't interested one bit and told him so! And, I thought that is that! When the next Sunday rolled around and he didn't call, I was sure that was that!

Upon checking the mailbox on the ensuing Monday evening, I found a thick envelope addressed to me with no return address. On the front porch was a long, slender box which had been delivered by Federal Express. There was a dozen yellow roses in the box and the envelope contained a very long, handwritten letter to me from the faceless voice I had heard on the telephone two times! It was the first time in my life I had received flowers from ANYONE, and I was blown away by the fact he somehow knew yellow roses are and always have been my favorite! The letter was not a love letter - it stated very matter-of-factly who he was and what he was all about. It had been a very long time since I had cried, but that evening the crying I did came from within the depths of my soul. My healing had begun!

After that, we corresponded (by snail mail) and talked on the telephone a LOT. After six months had elapsed, we agreed to finally meet. I chose the Cracker Barrel in town as he would be in the area on that particular day and I felt meeting in a very public place would lend me some sense of security! As we'd not even exchanged photos, I kiddingly told him I would be the gal sitting in one of the rocking chairs out front with a paper sack on her head - never dreaming I would actually do just that! I took that Saturday afternoon off from work, dicky dooded myself up, and fixed a huge paper grocery sack with eye holes to wear over my head. When his van (which he had described to me) pulled up, there I was - sitting in a rocking chair with the paper sack over my head and a crowd of folks had gathered to see what in world was going to take place. When he walked up to me, I stuck out my hand and said, "You must be Kermit." He removed the sack from my head and literally hollered, "And you are Wease - I'd have known you anywhere!" The crowd applauded as we shook hands and that was the beginning of my life!

We married a year later in his mother's house - a very simple ceremony. I moved into his very small house in a very small town south of where I had been living and now live. For the first time in my life, I felt cherished, loved, and giddy with complete trust and happiness. I mentioned one day I had dreamed of going to college ever since I graduated from highschool. He made it possible for me achieve that dream. How very proud he was of my accomplishments. How tickled he would get when he would receive my grades in an envelope addressed "To the parents of...." He must have spent a veritable fortune on yellow roses. Those years - and I never believed I would use this word - bliss are cherished beyond anyone's imagination.

We sold his house and had begun to move back into my home. He was scheduled for retirement from his position a week after my graduation. One week prior to my graduation, we were taking a load of junk from the barn to the dump in his pickup truck. While driving down the highway at a pretty good clip, he patted me on my knee and told me "I'm so glad you are my wife." I gave him a quick hug and responded, "I'm so glad you are my husband." About 10 seconds later, he gasped and fell over in my arms. Somehow I got the pickup stopped and I quickly realized my husband had just died.

Because my mind is a complete blank about what happened thereafter, I've been told by many people what transpired during the next couple of weeks. I handled all the funeral arrangements, attended my graduation, and had a house full of family and friends who had come to celebrate my graduation. The first thing I remember after that horrific split second in the pickup truck is about a month later (everyone had gone their separate ways I'm told) I was sitting at the kitchen table doing a crossword puzzle. And it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was once again ALONE. And, I wasn't ready for yet another transition!

Third in series of Transitions

2005-10-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

Often, I had looked back over those past reported years and wonder what I had done so bad that would bring me so close to the brink of total and complete despair. The only thing I could come up with was the fact I always had (and still do have) a terribly independent nature, a strong will to survive (no matter what), and the ability to laugh in the face of adversity.

Somehow, the boys and I muddled through the next couple of years. Friends came and went during that time, but we (the family unit) remained as constant as was possible. I finally recovered enough to work, the boys once again became involved with sports, scouting, and oh gracious, the oldest one discovered GIRLS weren't really all that "yucky." And, without looking, I found a fella who I believed was the love of my life and we married.

He convinced me to sell my home and we (he, the kids and I) went to Florida to live. I got a job as a bookkeeper and he hauled gravel/sand - financially, we were okay! I finally felt a sense of security I'd never had before until....a registered letter arrived addressed to Mrs. ....... (me). It was from my husband's wife, from whom he had convinced me he had been divorced for 3 years! Seems he had never signed the divorce papers - a small technicality to which he offered a convincing explanation. AND I SWALLOWED IT - HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER!

After spending many hundreds of dollars to "fix the problem," we remarried in Florida (to make me an honest woman!!!), and moved back to Alabama. His three boys decided they wanted to be with their father; so now I've got 6 boys to look after, because he decided to go back to cross-country truck driving! There's neither enough time nor enough space here for me to thoroughly explain what life became like with 3 boys who'd never had any discipline, never been taught any manners, who had no respect for anyone, who enjoyed using the "F" word in every spoken sentence, who treated me worse than a mad dog would be treated, and a husband who was neither never there nor spoke a word of truth about anything. All the while, my 3 boys are watching and learning from them - they pulled stunts they never would have dreamed of until they fell under the influence of the "3 from the other side" (as I used to call them in my mind).

When one of the stepsons raised his hand to me, I cold cocked him with a sucker punch! When one of my sons tried the same thing with me, I put him down with a power-house blow to the throat! Needless to say, things kinda sorta leveled out and the 6 decided they needed to act more like family. Kids got old enough to leave home and set out on making their own way in the world. Life became more liveable then, until.....

I drove to our appointed meeting place when hubby would return from trips which took him away from home for 3 to 6 weeks at a time - got there about 30 minutes earlier than originally planned to see a hotsy totsy blonde crawl out of his truck! At this point, we'd been married for 10 years! For some strange reason, I didn't face him with my knowledge - I just started watching and listening until I finally caught him literally with his pants down doing the dirty deed with someone I thought was my friend! It took me another 6 years to gather enough evidence to start divorce proceedings - still photos, video tapes, taped conversations, and over 30 witnesses who made and signed affidavits at my attorney's office about what they knew and saw!

During this time, his father died and I, as the wife of the only child his parents had, took care of his mother who had Alzheimer's Disease. When he would deign to grace me and his mother with his presence, he was cruel and abusive to his mother because she could not remember his name or because she couldn't walk fast enough to please him. The day he punched his mother in the stomach because she couldn't talk plainly enough for him is the day I hit him over the head with an iron skillet and swore out a restraining order against him.

The day after his mother died (I took care of her for nearly 2 years with no help from anyone), he broke into my home with his current lover in tow, screaming at me about how awful it was to come back from a trip to California to learn his mother had not only died, but had already been buried. But, of course, he couldn't compute that he hadn't been anywhere near his mother in over a year and his aunts and uncles and I had no idea where he was or for whom he was working at that point (and didn't really care, to be honest). Thanks to having an auxiliary deputy living right down the road who heard the commotion, he was hauled off to jail for breaking the conditions of the restraining order. Three days later he signed the divorce papers, because his attorney told him he'd better do so IN A HURRY or be prepared for the consequences which would result from his wife not backing down or releasing him from all the charges accrued against him.

Some how, some way, I managed to survive again! Worked 3 jobs to keep myself busy and to keep my home. Never asked anyone for anything because I had such an untrusting nature at this point I couldn't bring myself to think anyone would help me unless there were strings attached. And, because of being married to someone who would climb a tree to tell as lie as to stay on the ground to tell the truth, I didn't believe anything anyone told me. Once again I was a single woman, but with no children at home to take care of and a standing realization that I had to be an absolutely horrible person for my life to have taken yet another bad turn.

My boss at my day-time five-days-a-week accounting job one day asked me, "Isn't that chip on your shoulder getting just a tad heavy for you to be lugging around all of the time?" Boy howdy, what a wake-up call that was for me! My real transition was when I stopped looking for external reasons for my unhappiness, accepted complete responsibility for myself and my happiness, and began looking inside myself to determine what I could do to make things better. I realized I never truly had liked ME and set about changing my attitude about myself - which resulted in a change of attitude about others around me. Something good always comes out of something bad!

A break from transitions to complain!

2005-10-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

If I hear or see one more report about Tom Cruise and his fiancee's WONDERFUL news about her being pregnant, I will barf. What is wrong with the media and the viewers/listeners who seem to hunger for erstwhile news such as this? I use the term news lightly here!

In my day (and yes, I admit to and proud of being old fashioned), getting a woman pregnant without first the sanctity of marriage was not something about which was publicly spoken, much less blatantly announced by all forms of media. I can't help but wonder what kind of example this movie star believes he is setting for the generation following behind him.

I use Tom Cruise as an example here - there are many others supposedly held in high esteem by the public who have proudly displayed infidelity, cruelty, (maybe even murder) abuse, thievery, and unwed pregnancies as a means of getting their share of free publicity.

Am I the only weird person left in this crazy world of ours who believes such is wrong? What has happened to the morals of our country that we, the people, would insist on not only hearing and seeing, but praising and congratulating, the immorality of others? Why should I even care?

I'd like to believe I'm not entirely alone with this kind of - pardon the use of the word - reporting. I'd also like to think there is something badly wrong with a person who boasts about immoral activity. Yes, yes, I know... it goes on all the time all over the world. But, do we (or more precisely, I) have to be subjected to such no matter what television channel I select or what radio station I listen to or what newspaper or magazine I read?

Mickey Finn has spouted off!

A tragedy transition for the entire family.

2005-10-06T07:53:00.000-07:00

For nearly two years my children and I flourished. Work was going well (got two raises at regular day job), acquired many new accounting clients, was able to quit night job, kids were growing like weeds, and there was much laughter, security, peace, and contentment in our home.

Until the bottom fell out of everything. At the end of August of the second year, I answered the phone at work at 10:30 in the morning, believing it to be my youngest son calling to say "I wuv you, Mum" as he did every morning. However, the call was from a very rude, crude, and socially unacceptable woman who brusquely told me "You better get to the emergency room now or you won't see your baby alive." As I screamed and threw the phone in an attempt to rush out of the office, my boss lady (who happened to be a retired nurse) picked up the phone to find out what had happened. She drove me to the hospital, where I found my youngest son, who had already died. The only way I recognized him was from the shoes he was wearing.

The boys were playing softball in the front yard, while Linda (my terrific neighbor and friend) was acting as umpire. Erin, who would have been 4 years old in March, was pitching to #1 son when a car careened into our yard, hitting Erin and throwing him onto the roof of the garage. The car then sped off, but #2 son was able to write down the tag number. How, I will never know (neither does he!). Linda called for an ambulance which arrived in record time (or so I was told), Erin was extricated from the roof, and Linda and all the kids (hers and mine) were rounded up into her car and they followed the ambulance to the hospital.

Details become rather fuzzy here, but to the best of my recollection, the driver of the car was found and determined to have been a drunk 16-year old boy who had just gotten his driver's license one week before. I never did learn why he was drunk at that time of the day.

My boss put out a collection bowl at work for employees to contribute for my benefit - collected nearly one thousand dollars, but one of the employees stole it! Local Catholic church brought food and money the day I was making funeral arrangements. Just after my boss and I left from making funeral arrangements and were on our way to purchase clothes for my dead son in which to be buried, we were broad-sided on the passenger side by a pick-up truck. Three weeks later I came to in the hospital. Thankfully, my boss received only minor injuries.

I missed my son's funeral. I missed the fact that my parents had been threatened into coming to help (by the chief of police). I missed the fact that my homeowner's insurance paid for the funeral because my son was killed on our property. I missed knowing that the local radio station put out a plea for help from the community, which resulted in grandmothers, teenagers, church members, and police men and women being with my boys while I was hospitalized. I missed my son's funeral.

For three more weeks, I remained in the hospital in a full body cast - practically every bone in both my legs and 8 ribs were crushed. Plus, my lungs and spleen had been punctured, meaning I had surgery during the three weeks when I remained unconscious. When I went home, both legs were in casts from the bottom of my feet to ...., well use your imagination! I could not work, obviously. I caught up on mortgage payments and paid ahead for nearly a year, because the doctor told me it would be "a long while before I could work again." Made arrangements with the power and phone companies, and paid off the car. I was broke, but had weekly unemployment checks to count on...or so I thought. That proved to be false, because I had to appear IN PERSON to fill out the forms (which I was not able to do). And I didn't qualify for any food stamps or welfare aid because I owned property!

Because of the concern of the community, however, the freezer and cupboards were well stocked with food - seemed like enough to feed an army for a year! Not so, but it appeared that way to me at the time. The casts were cut off my legs in the middle of November, but I couldn't walk. Had to learn all over again, with the help of braces, crutches, canes, and lots and lots and lots of therapy. Medical bills never arrived and when I questioned "Why not," I was told "Don't worry, it's being taken care of." Telling me not to worry is like telling a yapping dog not to bark!

Christmas was getting ever closer and there was no money coming in. My kids were terrific, though. They allowed as how if I promised to not fix any pinto beans for Christmas dinner, they would glady settle for a meat loaf! We had a good laugh about that!

On Christmas Eve, I was really demoralized for my kids - even though they were putting on a brave front for me. It had just gotten dark outside and I'd finished our annual reading of "The Night Before Christmas" when I heard a noise from outside. With help from the 3 boys, we all hobbled to the front door and opened it. There wasn't a soul around, but there, on the front lawn was a fully-decorated Christmas tree, wrapped gifts by what looked to be in the hundreds, three huge baskets of fruit, six very large boxes of food (including all the fixings for Christmas dinner), and taped on the front door was an envelope. Through all the hoorays and yippees and floods of tears of joy, we managed to get everything inside the house - including the envelope, on which was printed "Do Not Open Until Christmas."

My boys and I had a wonderful time preparing a turkey, making cranberry sauce, baking pies, and of course, gingerbread men for the rest of the evening. Each time tears of gratitude would pour down my cheeks, my kids would rush over with tissue, wipe them away, and say "There REALLY is a Santa, Mom, just like you always said." In between crying and cooking, I called everyone I could think of to ask who was responsible for our wonderful Christmas, and nobody knew anything!

Christmas morning was absolutely wonderful bedlam! The boys all found new shoes, new clothes, sporting equipment, and scads of toys and games. I also received a new coat, gift certificates from local department stores, and a free haircut from a local beauty salon. Then, #1 son brought me the envelope to open. Inside was a Cashier's Check in the amount of $4,000.00 drawn on a local bank. I was still in the dark as to who was responsible for this wonderful Christmas and remained so for nearly a year. I finally discovered the Police Department had adopted us as their needy family for Christmas and went all out for us!

Grieving for the loss of my son was a long, slow process because I had to deal with my three boys who saw their brother get killed. Thankfully, communication between us had always been open and truthful about everything from the time each of them were able to comprehend, which really helped all of us get through the grieving process. The ensuing months after Christmas were calm and serene, occasionally disrupted by a nightmare or sudden tears by each of us out of the blue. As time went on, though, we adjusted to our loss and life became stable once again.

We all learned to let go of Erin - he'd only been lend-leased to us for a while.

Transitions - 2nd posting

2005-10-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

The day I walked away from abuse - both mental and physical - was a definite transition for me. I had no idea what "normal" should be, but I knew I wanted it badly. It didn't matter to me anymore that I was considered to be ugly - I was smart! In fact, I've only wished once in my life to be beautiful and smart rather than ugly and smart! And, as a result of knowing I had intelligence and could do anything I set my mind to do, I set about doing just that.

The boys and I moved into a local motel - close to where the older boys went to school. I found work, and applied for an FHA house. Everything seemed to work in my favor - I qualified as an FHA applicant for a brand-new brick, 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath, attached garage, living room, dining room, kitchen, den, and utility room included HOME. Payments were minimal, to say the least, and we moved in before the kitchen cabinets were completely installed!

I started doing accounting at home for small businesses, and worked as Night Manager for a 7/11 Store! Remember the good old 7/11 stores? Because of that job, I was able to buy a car, get furniture for my home, and bought new appliances. I believe the first couple of years as a single mother were some of the happiest in my life. Working all of the time, except the weekends, wasn't all that bad - the kids usually came with me to the 7/11 at night. When we weren't busy, we would make a game of stocking the shelves. I developed quite a pitching arm during those nights, and my kids learned a lot about math and economics.

Weekends I didn't work at ANYTHING other than paying all of my attention to the boys. Their baseball games, band practices, scout meetings, etc., were usually always during the week, so we made a point of keeping the weekends just for us. Whatever the boys wanted to do, within reason and if finances allowed, we would do.

Those years as a single mom were both wonderfully exciting and overpoweringly terrifying for me. I second-guessed myself about practically everything. Thank God for my next door neighbor, Linda, who became my mentor and babysitter extrordinaire! She knew everyone in the small town where we lived and made sure everyone came to know me - that story will appear in another entry! She used to get on my case in a big way because I wouldn't ask for child support or alimony or any help from the ex! However, she came to understand my need to succeed on my own efforts and supported me mightily with encouragement, lots of hugs, and a soft place to fall!

The first few months of this transition, I would find myself flinching every time someone at work raised a hand - he/she might just be reaching for a file folder or to turn on a light. I saw my reflection in a store window one afternoon, and I was all slumped over as if I were completely defeated and beaten down. That night, while talking with Linda about it, she remarked "I've been meaning to talk to you about that, but decided you would have to be the one to determine when to stand tall and look the world squarely in the eye." Wow, what a powerful statement that proved to be for me! My transition from that defeated little girl to a confident and achieving woman began in that instant! The strength I gained from being completely on my own, responsible for my boys and our lives, and making decisions which would influence me for the rest of my life and remain steadfast within the very fiber of my being today.

Transitions - a continuing tale

2005-10-02T06:40:00.000-07:00

We will all go through transitions in our lives. They begin at birth and continue to occur through and including death. If this posting rambles a bit, I sincerely apologize as much is ebbing and flowing through my mind concerning the transitions which have taken place in my life. I honestly want to put everything in chronological order, but sometimes my fingers get ahead (and often behind) my thought processes!

I grew up in a very abusive environment - notice I didn't use the word "home." My two brothers could do no wrong - they not only were handsome, wonderful, smart, etc., etc., but they were perfect in every way imaginable. I understood hate and the damage it can do at a very young age. There are very few bones of my body which weren't broken during my childhood as a result of severe beatings for imagined wrongs I had commited. An unexplainable strength developed within my very being - best I can remember it occurred sometime after my grandmother died.

Girls of my generation were not taught anything about life. However, this girl was not permitted to get a drink of water without asking permission. There was no going to the ice box for a snack or having a cookie after school. The hours I sat in a straight-backed chair placed stragically in the kitchen until my mother determined I could do my homework, mop the floor, or be locked in my bedroom haunted me for years.

I had no idea what was happening to me on my 17th birthday when I started menstruating. I truly believed if a boy kissed me, I would get pregnant. I was not permitted to have friends come to visit and I definitely was not permitted to visit any of my friends' homes. I wasn't allowed to use the telephone - and if anyone called me, I was punished.

I always worked to "Help support the family." What I was really doing was maintaining a steady flow of booze for my parents. At the age of 14, I went to work at an ice cream parlor about five blocks away from where I lived. I worked there every summer until I graduated from highschool. Helen and Tom - whom I called Mater and Pater - were absolutely wonderful to me. The summer after completing my Junior year, I met a fellow! He would come in three times a week, always ordered the same thing, and always left me a five dollar tip. I remember telling my mother the first time I met this fellow "I've met the guy I'm going to marry." I had no idea what marriage entailed, I only knew it meant I could get away from my parents!

He was permitted to come to to meet my parents, and he literally asked for my hand in marriage. That evening, my mother accused me of being a tramp and began to beat on me. For the first time ever, I stood perfectly still and just stared at her with what, I am sure, was pure hate eminating from my eyes. As she dropped her fists, I asked her "You won't ever try to do that to me again, will you?" It was the beginning of what I thought would be a wonderful transition.

I'd saved money for a wedding dress - gave it to my mother so she could order my dress from the Speigel catalogue. The dress never arrived. I was forbidden to consider getting married in ANY church. My cousin gave me a suit she'd outgrown so I would have something nice in which to get married. On July 7, 1956 I got married by a Justice of the Peace in my mother's kitchen with my mother as our only witness. That afternoon, on U. S. Highway 1 at a rest area, my husband raped me in the front seat of his '49 Plymouth. After driving for what seemed like days (but was really about 15 hours) we ended up in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina where I was to babysit for my husband's sister - she and her husband were going on vacation.

I thought I'd gotten away from cruelty and abusiveness by getting married. What a wonderful life I would have! I'd found a nice job at a high-end jewelry store, learned how to drive, I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to eat it, I could talk on the phone for hours if I chose to do so, I visited friends and had friends come to visit me, and I didn't have to be around my parents unless I absolutely wanted to! But, this euphoric state only lasted for about six months.

My transition from abused daughter to happy wife never happened. I'd only gone from the frying pan into the fire. When it became apparent I wasn't pregnant right away, I was beaten and subjected to hurtful sex at all hours of the day and night. I had to quit my job because the viciousness of the attacks upon me left me with highly visible bruising. Then, my husband got drafted into the Army! For the next 12 years, I was pregnant for what seemed to be ALL THE TIME. I had six children and miscarried 4 times in between full-term pregnancies.

Our 12th wedding anniversary was celebrated with me in the hospital recovering from a miscarriage. We had already buried a son who died from pneumonia and a daughter who died from Crib Death. We had four beautiful sons aged 9, 5, 4, and 2. The next day, upon arriving home, my husband informed me he wanted to get me pregnant as soon as possible, because he was on orders for Viet Nam. My transition truly began at that moment when I responded, "You won't ever touch me again unless I want you to do so. You will never force me again or I will kill you." He later told me that for the first time, he was honestly afraid of me.

While he was gone overseas, I sought and received counselling. Imagine my surprise when I learned that being an abuser or being abused is NOT NORMAL. I was horrified to learn that I wasn't completely alone - there were many, many other women out there who were experiencing the same kind of abuse as me! And being told the only person who can really help me is ME set me back on my heels. When I was told each of us has a choice we can make concerning how we live - stay and continue to accept abusive treatment or leave and begin a new life free of pain.

He extended his tour of duty in Viet Nam for another year. During that second year of his absence, I hired an attorney to prepare divorce papers to serve when he returned. And, I kept him informed through letters of what I was doing. The day he returned and walked in the front door, I handed him the papers for him to sign. With no argument, he signed them, and the boys and I left and never looked back!

The two times I stood up for myself - against my mother and my husband - empowered me mightily. Never again would I be abused and mistreated by anyone for any reason. The transition from abused to empowered has sustained me to this day.

My mind is a jumble right now! Not jungle - JUMBLE!

2005-09-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

For some unknown reason, the word "transition" has been weaving it's way through my mind continuously for the past few days. As I've given the word some serious thought, I believe what I want to do is begin a series of postings concerning the various transitions which have taken place throughout my life.

Am not sure exactly where I will begin - my thought process is still not that clear on the topic. And, would like to wait until I'm finished taking the medication which impales me on my couch for hours at a time!

A couple of fellows are presently walking over my property to evaluate the timber therein ensconsed. I am fairly sure there won't be much money involved if/when I decide to sell, but even the slightest bit (at this point and time) will help me a great deal.

That's all for now. Hope you will check out my site within the next few days for my first entry in my series of transitions.

Today's Rantings

2005-09-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

Things either haven't been aligned astrologically, OR I've not been behaving myself appropriately, OR I've not been holding my mouth exactly right this past week - but it's been a week from Hell! No exaggeration, mind you!

Came down with bronchial infection AND inner ear infection! As if coughing my insides out hasn't been enough, bouncing off the walls from loss of balance has aided and abetted my misery. First round of antibiotics didn't seem to help me, unless you consider my eyes turning yellow and breaking out all over my body in an ugly rash which itched like crazy helping me! New medication certainly did seem to do the trick with clearing my bronchia - but functioning as a zombie was rather difficult!

Somewhere in the mists of my recollection, I had to go to Wal Mart to get dog food and some milk. Of course, didn't I leave my cane in the carriage and not notice it until I got home. It could not have been a pretty sight to see me crawling on my hands and knees up and down the steps to and from the front porch while dragging plastic bags and then an eight-pound sack of dog food! I was grateful at that particular moment for living out in the country with no nearby neighbors!!

Called Wal Mart to report my lost cane and it had been turned in at Customer Service. A buddy of mine works in the shoe department and she promised to bring my cane to me yesterday. How dare she have a friend come in from Illinois whom she hadn't seen in three years, preventing her from returning my cane to me! LOL
She finally arrived today for a digitizing lesson, with my lovely ? black cane in tow! Never thought I would see the day I'd want to kiss a cane!

The part-time job finally came to fruition - I start on Monday morning of next week. Had just about given up on ever hearing from the folks again! However, it appears that I will have to not only play the part of the super hero accounting wise, but will have to be General Patton, Mother Teresa, and an avenging angel in order to keep these folks from filing bankrupcy. Prayers will help - oh my, I need your prayers and I'm sure you could use some practice! Help!!!

Finally, after two years of attempting to get someone out here to look at the timber on my land and give me an estimate of how much money I might be able to amass from selling it, the gentleman is coming tomorrow. Now, I don't know how much y'all know about Rednecks... well, think I will leave that alone for now!

Because of the medication I'm taking, I believe my taste buds have moved south for the winter - everything tastes the same. Kinda sorta a cross between cardboard and rusty nails! I'm craving something salty, such as bacon - only because doctor told me "NO SALTY ITEMS IN MY DIET UNTIL ALL MEDICATION HAS BEEN TAKEN." Would never have given bacon another thought if he hadn't said that!

All in all, this past week or so has been less than productive for me - the couch and I became very close friends! Poor Miss Freckles has been feeling very neglected because of my being down and she made every effort to make me feel better. She kept bringing me her "squeaky toys" to throw for her to retrieve for me to throw again. Needless to say, I was in no shape to throw anything. Today, when I felt more like myself, I threw a couple of her squeaky toys for her - and didn't she just look at me as if to say "You gotta be kidding!"

Three more days worth of medication left to take before I can have some bacon. Think I will go down to the country store a short distance from the house, use a roll of quarters to buy a pound (do they still sell bacon in pound packages), and have it on standby! With my kind of luck, I'll not want any bacon after I stop taking my meds! So it goes!

I had a visitor!

2005-09-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

I got hit with a double whammy - I have a bronchial infection and an inner-ear infection. Lovely combination that has put me down - literally. After slurping a steaming mug of tomato soup (made with milk instead of water), drinking a cup of tea, and appropriately medicating myself, I was ready for the comfort of my favorite spot in my home - the couch with my blankie!

Turned the volume down on the television, placed the phone on the coffee table along with the television remote, made sure channel selected was CNN, and snuggled under my blankie with many pillows behind my aching back, under my aching head and legs, and no, I didn't suck my thumb!!!

Awakened to the ringing of the telephone - it was a wrong number. As I settled back into the warmth of my little coccoon, I heard a noise coming from the kitchen. And, Miss Freckles was in her "I'll protect you, Mom" stance. When I raised my head to look into the kitchen, I thought "I know I turned that light off earlier." Then, my brain really became engaged because there, standing at the kitchen sink, was my Gram!

Now, my Gram hasn't visited me in about 12 years. She always seemed to appear over the years when times were really bad for me. I rubbed my eyes, and looked again. She was still there, smiling slightly. She looked exactly the same as she always had - bib type apron with huge pockets, her hair all frizzed up because of the steam or heat from cooking, and a house dress with a high neck line trimmed with lace.

I realize I was under the influence of potent medication, suffering from a fever, and not breathing very easily. But, all I could do was just look at her - I was once again a little girl of seven admiring my wonderful Gram. And, Miss Freckles began wagging her tail, licked my hand, and laid down as pretty as you please.

I recall blinking a couple of times and looked into the kitchen again. The light was off and my Gram was gone! Did the telephone really ring and awaken me? Was it all a dream? Did I really see my Gram with my physical eyes or was she only a figment of my imagination? After laying back down, I swear I could feel her cool hands resting on my forhead just before I went to sleep!

Shortly after midnight, I awakened again. This time, my breathing was easier, my fever was gone, and I felt 100% better. I arose from my couch and went into the kitchen to get a glass of milk - the soup mug, spoon, and tea cup and saucer from my earlier repast were clean and placed neatly on the counter. My reaction was the same as it has been when this happened 3 times before - the hair on the back of my head did a number and the goose bumps on my body would have rivaled tennis balls with their size! Never have I been afraid when this happened in the past - same is true this time. I've always been excited and completely amazed.

Hmm, did I wash those dishes before laying down? Nope - I didn't even bother to place them in my dishwasher! Did Miss Freckles perform a miraculous household chore for me? Not likely - she's domesticated but not that much!

I've attempted to talk about events exactly like this one with many people, and every one has pooh poohed me as if I had a mentality slightly lower than that of a moron!
I hadn't been thinking about my Gram. In fact, hadn't been able to think about anything all day other than how badly I felt!

Say what you will, but I truly believe my grandmother (Gram) has been my special guardian angel all these years. She has looked after me throughout my life just as she did when I was a little girl. Nothing anyone can say can convince me otherwise. It was good that she visited me - wish she had stayed longer.

Unknown Friends

2005-09-22T11:57:00.000-07:00

Been rather on the puny side for the past few days - and pain from my fractured pelvis was much more aggravating than usual, which kept me from sitting at my PC to post a blog. Feeling much better today, especially since reading Mama Mouse's posting a few minutes ago.

Seems that great minds DO run together! My offering today is kinda sorta an addendum to Mama's writing about there being four quadrants to her "tree of life" (my description, not hers), as well as to further my previous post.

This past week I've learned a very valuable lesson about some people I thought (or rather knew) absolutely could not stand the sight of me, much less want to have any thing to do with me. I've made many attempts to draw these persons out to ascertain what it was that I had done or said or hadn't done or said for them to show such dislike for me. Finally, I decided to leave the uncomfortable situation alone - in prayer, I turned it over to God to handle for me. Excellent choice for me to make!

Each individual I had worried and fretted about for months either called or spoke to me personally to apologize to me! They had been watching and listening to me more closely than I ever could have imagined. As a result and without my knowledge, they learned to respect and admire me and want to become a friend to me. I've shed many tears of absolute joy these past few days for what God accomplished toward this end.

I would have to add a 5th quadrant (read Mama Mouse's blog) to my tree. It would be the roots and branches of those who are my friends without my knowing. The example we set with our deeds always speak much more loudly than any words we could utter. Although I have always believed this to be true, it was blatantly brought to the forefront and truly touched my heart this week.

Earlier this week, when Hurricane Rita first reared her ugly head in the news, a lady I've never met phoned me from California to make sure I would be okay (she has purchased some of my embroidery designs)! A darling French girl whom I befriended when I was a foreign exchange student in Amsterdam in 1995 phoned me to make sure I would be able to make it through yet another disaster! My youngest son called me to inform me "You should be okay, Mum, as this storm is gonna miss you." My bestest friend in the world e-mailed me to make sure I would be alright. An old friend, whom I haven't seen in nearly 20 years, sent me a short note via snail mail to ask if there were anything he could do to help me in any way.

Friendship is like a silent and invisible ghost who hovers around us during good and bad times to envelope us with a hug, lift us up with kind words, lighten our burdens, and pave a smoother path on which we can travel. The wonder of friendship is not knowing from whence it may come!

I can't abide a liar!

2005-09-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

What makes a person want, need, and enjoy telling untruths about others? Why is it so important to some (I know quite a few, it seems) believe what they don't know about another means it is open season for making up hateful and hurtful lies to tell and retell?

If I am the brunt of this horrid treatment, I have often made every effort to handle it. Immediately, I've confronted the lying creep and usually the response I get is "I didn't say that," "I didn't do that," or "Whoever told you that is lying to you." Yeah, right! However, when I know (AND I MEAN REALLY KNOW) the jerk, past experience with his/her behavior reminds me I should have just ignored the back stabbing, lying idiot!

Lately, it seems this type of behavior from a couple of my least-favorite people in the world makes them thrive on continuously causing strife, discord, confusion, and pain for lots of folks. I must have asked myself at least a hundred times, "What, if anything, can I do about it?"

Today, I was faced with this very question while with many of my new friends. And, the answer became very clear to me. Tell the truth about what is going on and if anyone knows the truth about it, I do! While doing exactly that - setting the record straight - my heart hurt for them as a result of the pain which appeared on their faces.

Somehow, they felt the need to apologize to me for believing the horrible lies and made-up stories they'd been told. Nearly in tears, I explained they didn't owe me an apology for listening and believing. The ones doing the telling need to apologize to them for the damage they brought about.

At this late stage in my two least favorite people's lives, I doubt they will ever learn that being truthful hurts nobody, but a lie hurts forever.

Gamers language is undeciperable

2005-09-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

While surfing sites today, using Blog Explosion, I came upon many sites wherein discussion about "gaming" caught my eye. Stopped and read some of them, too! What language are these folks speaking, please?

The extent of my gaming amounts to going to Pogo to play Word Whomp, which I don't like very much these days because tokens added to score don't equal score actually earned. I haven't dared to play Scrabble online - don't have a Scrabble dictionary and some of the words declared as viable are unknown to me and I couldn't begin to define them!

I thought I was very adventurous when I acquired Myst, for Pete sakes. The newest in the Myst series, "Exile," has me stymied because I can't get out of any of the worlds into which I find myself! Haven't attempted to play around with Exile for quite a while as I find it very frustrating when my hands can't coordinate themselves with these tired, old eyes! I've been told there are cheat sheets available online, but what kind of challenge is it to play a game when all puzzles are explained? That's kinda sorta like cheating when playing solitaire, the old fashioned way! Does anyone play solitaire with real cards anymore?

My computer is a very important tool for me these days and can't imagine being without it for communicating with those who live far away from me, word processing is of prime importance for completion of monthly reports for the volunteer organization to which I belong, creating and digitizing embroidery designs would be impossible to do manually with my unsteady hands, and surfing the Web is lots of fun on those nights when I find it difficult to sleep.

The first computer I ever used was a hugmongous Litton 3-tape drive monster which took up an entire room the size of my guest room. These days computers are getting smaller and more powerful by the hour!

When I first came online, the Internet was very user unfriendly and less than appealing to the eyes. Websites have become more attractive, with much more information available immediately. There is access to practically every place in the world with just a point of the mouse and a couple of clicks. I discovered recently if there's a book I'd care to read, there's a place where I can go to either download it or read it online! I visit all of the zoos that have animal cams set up so I can peek in on the activities of whichever is being shown. I continue to be amazed by the creativity displayed on the sites I've visited and the veritable fount of information that is available to me.

As for the gaming language I encountered, don't believe I am young enough or have enough spunk to learn it. I have enough trouble with the English language, thank you very much!

Well, I've rambled on long enough. Think I will see if I can win a game of Spider Solitaire before taking Miss Freckles outside for her evening stroll. I'm such a daring person when it comes to "gaming!"

Wedding blue jeans?

2005-09-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

I've been invited to a wedding next Sunday - PLUS, my grand-daughter is getting married on October 1st! Kinda sorta thought I'd better check my wardrobe to determine whether or not I have anything befitting such occasions and that would look good with my newest best friend - my black cane!

Stepped into my closet, pushed all the blue jeans and sweatshirts to one side - 98% of my wardrobe! Found a red suit - 3 sizes too big! The standby basic black dress with matching coat is 4 sizes too big! Found a lovely glen plaid skirt and a beautiful blouse I purchased in Paris, France in 1995 - they also are 3 sizes too big! Hmm, I mused, it seems that my wardrobe is very lacking in dress-up attire!

Now, I could alter the dress and coat - yes, I could! But, doing alterations is not something I really enjoy doing! In fact, actually detest doing alterations, because the clothes just don't ever seem to look as good when I get done with the taking in, even with the concentrated effort I make to be precise with measurements, etc. I'd much rather build an outfit from scratch as to alter one, but that's out of the question what with the high price of material and patterns these days.

Besides, I further contemplated, why in the world have I kept those few items which I can no longer wear? Sentimental reasons? They look nice hanging there? If I were to be completely honest with myself, I'd completely forgotten I still had these items!!

I'm not going to be able to attend my grand-daughter's wedding - doctor put a hiatus on my either driving or riding that far away (it's a 5-hour trip to where my eldest son and family live). I'm not supposed to be driving at all, and haven't told my doctor how I get to his office each week, either! Have explained situation to son and he said he understood.

Wedding on up-coming Sunday is daughter of a dear friend - someplace on the other side of the county. Not really sure directions included in invitation are followable - think they were written in a language I've not yet learned how to read! I've read them at least five times, and get more and more confused with each perusal! If I don't show up, they will think I couldn't find my way there and all will be well!

However, something has to be done about my very one-sided type of wearing apparel. Sounds like the perfect opportunity to visit local thrift stores to find wonderful treasures - if I can keep away from the blue jean racks!

Blog Spam Stinks!

2005-09-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry, but had to change my settings to block spam blogging. To those who visit my site and check in often, I apologize for the incovenience. It's bad enough I have to have spam blocker on my e-mail, but in a blog site? Folks just can't leave well enough alone, can they?

Mickey Finn's world is a little bit cleaner!

2005-09-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

This old gal has been busy - one might say, for a change! Was invited to a Bridal Shower and I didn't have cash to purchase a gift, so... created a wedding bowl, digitized it, and stitched it out. Had to have it ready for yesterday, so my embroidery machine was steadily clattering away until 10:00 Friday night! Got up at 4:30 yesterday morning to finish stitching the six panels and the base and then sewed them all together - got done at 11:00 a.m. and the shower began at 2:00. Managed to arrive at the shower at 2:15 - not bad for an old gal who had lots of things to do to get ready like bathe, press something to wear, try to do something with this stuff I laughingly call hair, let Miss Freckles go outside for her mid-day stroll, etc., etc. The bride-to-be seemed pleased with my gift, but it was really hard to tell because she did receive a treasure trove of nice things.

When I got home, the bottom fell out and I literally crashed onto the couch and slept like the proverbial log until 7:30 this morning. Miss Freckles had been very patient with me, but it was kinda sorta funny to see her attempt to get outside with all four legs crossed!

From some unknown source, I all of a sudden had a burst of unnatural energy! I am not supposed to push the vaccuum cleaner around, but my chocolate carpet had a slight tint of grey to it as a result of Miss Freckles' continuous shedding. And, I just couldn't stand removing my fur socks before going to bed at night one more time! So, sat on the floor and used the hose with brush attachment and scooted along the floor vacuuming like an old char woman with a purpose. Got the sewing room, guest bathroom, guest room, and den vaccuumed and cleaned from top to bottom before the burst of energy began to wane. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the lovely 9 x 12 accent rug in the den actually turned into its original colors and the roses therein actually are showing! I love Miss Freckles, but never again will I have a long-haired shedding dog!!!

Guess I should mention what happened to the goofy looking three guys cited in an earlier post. Went to make my statement on Friday, but didn't have to do anything because all three of the horrid critters were wanted for fraud, identity theft, embezzlement, burglary, and a mish mosh of other charges in Georgia - they'd been sent off to answer to charges there! I didn't have to do a thing - but a very nice elderly gentleman (who you could tell wasn't quite sure how he'd gotten into such a fix) was lamenting that he had been taken for $750.00. All I can say is thank goodness for my Son of a Blogitch antennae!

It's good to have accomplished something - even if it's nothing more than having a few of the rooms sparkling again.

Don't hear from my very special friend much these days - he's so busy with a new job, attending night classes, and his fair damsel. I miss our conversations very much, but certainly do understand there are only so many hours in each day. If you happen to read this, Sir, know that you are constantly in my prayers and I hope all for which you strive is attained.

A few posts ago I stated I couldn't understand why anyone would be jealous of what someone else has, etc. I recently learned that a friend of mine is jealous of me - what a shock that was to me. I am definitely nobody to be jealous of, for sure! When I asked her why she's jealous of me, all she could say is "I just am." Hmm, I thought, what have I got or what does she perceive I've got that would cause her to be jealous of me. Have no idea, but can't help but further wonder if she is really a friend!

Hey Milt, thought you might like to know that all is well with Mickey Finn and will strive to keep it that way with the right attitude, a smile on my face, and the urge to overcome strong!

All is well in Micky Finn's world!

2005-09-07T13:01:00.000-07:00

This old gal has been whining for long enough. Just because I've had a tough time of it, doesn't mean it won't get better for me. Kinda sorta tired to being on the short end of the stick all the time and now I'm fighting back!

To begin with, a goofy-looking type of individual knocked on my door earlier today. At first I thought it might be a Mormon with "stuff" to give me to help me on my trip to Heaven or a Jesuit to tell me there's no way I'm gonna make that trip to Heaven! Imagine my surprise when I heard "I'm here to tell you there is a HUGE problem with your checking account." My Son of a Blogitch antennae immediately sprouted forth and I was ready for him full bore!

I asked him to wait while I put some shoes on - what I was doing was getting my cell phone and calling the Sheriff's office while putting some shoes on my erstwhile bare feet. Stepped out on the porch, closed and latched the gate, and asked the previously cited goofy-looking guy for some identification. You see, he'd already called me by my correct name (even managed to pronounce my last name correctly). After a few seconds passed and he made no effort to profer ANY identification (much less a name), I opened the front door of the house and let Miss Freckles onto the porch!

Miss Freckles managed very nicely, thank you, to prevent goofy-looking guy from moving any further than a half step before grabbing his leg and holding on tightly! And, the lead pipe I was more than willing to swing at him if he made any further attempt to move also helped convince him to remain still.

The deputies arrived (2 cars full of them) - a third car also pulled into the driveway wherein there were two other goofy-looking guys ensconced in the back seat! Seems they were involved in some kind of scam whereby they were getting information AND money from elderly folks using scare tactics about their checking accounts being over-drawn. Now, I may be one of those folks that look mighty dumb, but my busghetti hasn't completely slud off my plate yet!

Goofy-looking guy was escorted to jail, along with his cohorts, and I've gotta go to town tomorrow to sign an affadavit against him. Hooray for Miss Freckles and her ability to protect me against all invaders of HER domain, and hooray for me for having built-in Son of a Blogitch antennae!

Held a digitizing class with three ladies after the excitement of the morning. I'm attempting to teach these particular three ladies - average age 69 3/4 - how to create and digitize embroidery designs. One of them is a former teacher - she knows everything about everything. Another I've nicknamed Fast Fanny - because she tries to do things without instruction ahead of everyone else and screws up badly! The third of the group is a complainer - "I can't get this and probably will never be able to do it" have come out of her mouth more times than I care to mention! I'm an excellent instructor and give directions clearly, slowly, and in appropriate order!

A class which should have lasted one hour stretched out into nearly four! Not because these ladies are stupid or mentally incapacitated in any way - and not because my instructions were too complicated for them to grasp - merely because they decided (even though they were paying for these classes) it was more important to gossip and spout their jealousies!

I've never understood the reason for anyone to be jealous of anyone else, either for what they may have, how much they make, what they wear, to whom they are married, what they've achieved, and what they look like - or for whatever reason! Needless to say, I couldn't contain myself any longer and I spouted off by letting them know my time is valuable and my class is supposed to be to teach not to be bombarded with tales of woe and jealousy, while sitting at one of the three's dining room table, mind you. How much brass did that take? '-)

When I finished my tirade, you could have heard a feather land like a ton of steel in that house and the looks of total amazement on their faces was absolutely priceless. Nothing more was said, the class continued, and they finally started to LEARN something. Their 3rd and final class was scheduled for two weeks from today, and they thanked me for setting them straight! Thanked me! As I drove off, I thought I would probably have to apologize to the three of them for losing my cool. However, upon arriving home, I found two messages on my answering machine apologizing to me and one e-mail doing the same!

Now, who could ask for a better day than the one I've had so far!

Another sleepless night

2005-09-05T22:20:00.000-07:00

It's nearly one o'clock in the morning and a long time until daylight makes an appearance. I slept for a little while, but something caused me to wake up crying. I found myself turning on every light in the house, which hasn't helped ease this oppressive and overpowering feeling of... what exactly, I can't seem to reason through.

Before falling asleep earlier, I shed a few tears of joy and thankfulness because someone, whom I barely know, played Good Samaritan today and cleaned up all the tree limbs from my yard. It was a wonderful surprise, upon taking Miss Freckles outside, to find my yard all cleaned up - especially since I'd been home all day and neither Miss Freckles nor I heard the slightest sound. This kindness surely hasn't caused me to awaken in such a state, I wouldn't think. And, I haven't eaten anything unusual which would have resulted in my having a frightening dream. Further, if I dreamed anything, I don't recall it!

Yet, since awakening I've been unable to stop sobbing.

Many times this has happened to me. When I speak of it, I hear "If you had a clear conscience you would be able to sleep," or "Maybe you're depressed and need medication," or "Take a sleeping pill before going to bed every night," or "Find yourself a good man," or some such inane advice which is supposed to make me feel better.

Maybe all that's wrong is I need a good cry?

However, I cry at when I see movies or hear stories or read reports about happy endings, sad endings, tales about animals, kids, love stories, successes, failures - you name it, I cry. Cruelty of one human to another will make me cry in utter despair.

If someone says something kind to me or does something nice for me, I cry. Yet, if someone says something hurtful or does something mean to me, I can feel my backbone tightening in an effort to strengthen my resolve to not show any emotion, much less cry.

Wish I could fathom the depths of my mind to ascertain why I have nights like this one. Wish I had someone to talk to when I awaken in this state of mind. Maybe I just hit on the cause - there's nobody here! There hasn't been anybody here for seven years - get used to it!

Good Weekend! How was yours?

2005-09-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a wonderful one for me. Although I cannot contribute much physically to the activities for our group, I was at least able to attend a recruiting drive/security commitment at a local park on Saturday and Sunday.

I have 10 completed Qual Forms and promises from 3 others to join up at our next meeting. Best part of it all, I recruited 8 of the 10 who filled out the required forms! Although all I could do is sit most of the time, it surely didn't prevent me from talking!
If half of those who stated they would be at our meeting on 15 September, I will consider the recruiting drive a success.

Being out and about with people who show concern for my well-being and make every effort to look out for me while with them was excellent therapy for me. I cannot begin to explain to anyone how frustrating it is to NOT be able to do anything other than present myself as a warm body at functions. Yeah sure, I do lots of paper work at home, but any one can do that job - I'm not so stupid as to think I can't be readily replaced in my position as company clerk!

The food one of our members cooked for everyone - all I can say about it is WOW! A collection basket was maintained for everyone to contribute toward the cost of the food, but no amount can accurately pay for the morale boost a good home-cooked meal offers.

The majority of our group of volunteers was terribly disappointed to not have been activated to help with the on-going need as a result of hurricane Katrina. Assisting FEMA, EMA, Red Cross, and other like organizations during emergencies and disasters is our primary mission, even while the emergency or disaster is occurring. Though we aren't permitted to leave the boundaries of Alabama, those on the gulf coast of our state need all the help they can get. Our recruiting drive was considered to be low on the totem pole of importance. Those who were chomping at the bit to help out over the long weekend seemingly were ignored. However, there are about 15 from our Battalion who were deployed for a week and will be in the Mobile area for another four or five days.

My main reason for writing a blog today is - although I digressed a little bit - to attempt to put into words how good it felt to contribute SOMETHING over the weekend. And, I've found there just is no way to appropiately do so. If my doctor knew I'd been at the park for nine hours each day on Saturday and Sunday, there wouldn't be much left of my hind end after he got through chewing me out! Well, what he doesn't know won't hurt me - and I was exceptionally careful in what I did and how I did it. My Momma didn't raise any fools - of course, she didn't have any kids what lived, neither!

My prayers are with the people on the Gulf Coast.

2005-09-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

My eyes and ears are hurting from the barrage of horrors reported from the Gulf Coast. My brain is scrambled from attempting to cope with processing images that will haunt me for a long time to come. I turn off the television and play CD's with classical and oldies music with the hope of achieving a sense of normalcy. But, something from deep within me causes me to pick up the remote control and once again tune in to CNN! What is wrong with me? What is making me feel the NEED to see and hear the ongoing reporting of the devastation over such a wide area, affecting so many people?

My emotions have been on a literal roller coaster - from awe at the scope of the merciless power of mother nature; confusion as to why some have resorted to shooting at those who are attempting to help; anger at the reports concerning help needed that seems to be heading south at a snail's pace; amazement upon hearing (finally) that assistance and funds will be sent from many countries around the world; understanding for those who have had to resort to stealing food in order to feed themselves and their families; admiration for the fortitude of so many under such dire circumstances; frustration because I can do nothing physically or financially to help; relief when someone is rescued, receives a hot meal, or a lost loved one is found; and most of all, overpowering sorrow for those who have lost everything and who now have no idea where they will go and what they will do.

I have no answers for the two questions I asked.

However, I believe in the power of prayer and I will continue to pray for those who are displaced and for all those who will help.

No title - I'm just very angry right now!

2005-08-31T15:51:00.000-07:00

The horrible news concerning the Gulf Coast causes me to wonder: Who comes to the aid of the United States when disaster strikes? Has the United Nations passed any kind of referendum to offer aid to us? Do our so-called allies abroad give any consideration to the fact we might need help?

I remember when the disasterous tsunami hit, the United States was severely criticized for not giving what was considered to be ENOUGH money and aid for the victims.

I got more than a little bit angry today when I received an e-mail from a friend? in which it was stated "It's about time Americans learn how to suffer a little bit." In fact, I could have wrung this person's neck if she had been within arms reach of me - I was that upset with her.

This posting may make some folks angy - so be it. I think it is a crying shame that countries of the world consider the United States to be their pocket book, but tightly close their minds, hearts, and wallets when we are in need. Makes me think strongly about the need for the United States to become an isolationist nation for a while. We might as well - we are isolated from the world today by their lack of concern for us.

If donations from outside our our borders have been made to America to assist with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, it surely hasn't been announced on any newscasts I've viewed.

Micky Finn has spouted off!

Reading Rocks!

2005-08-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

The Jane Pauley show is winding down and I felt an overpowering urge to post my feelings about it. It's a re-run about adults who couldn't read, but learned how! Images of my friend Archie flashed before my eyes and I can still clearly recall his telling me "I'm ashamed to tell anyone I can't read." My heart hurts with the knowledge there are 90,000,000 (yes 90 million) adults in our country who cannot read!

As a college student, I was amazed and horrified at the number of recent highschool graduates who couldn't read, but were striving for a degree in their chosen fields! Proof-reading papers for these students was heart wrenching when it was most apparent they couldn't write simple sentences, much less a complete paper or report!

I can't imagine what my life would have been like without being able to read, and as a result of being able to read, write! The places I visited, the people I came to know, the things I learned to do, and the opportunity to totally become immersed in a story are experiences which cannot have a price placed on them.

From Erma Bombeck to Shakespeare - and everything in between - has been a joy for me to read. I remember as a young girl anxiously awaiting the arrival of "Mechanics Illustrated" to arrive so I could literally devour it from cover to cover! Is that magazine still being published, I wonder?

How is it possible for folks to achieve without learning how to read? Astoundingly, they do it! Most people who do achieve feel as if they don't deserve their success and that they've cheated themselves, as well as others. Lack of intelligence isn't the main factor here - as most adults who can't read compensate beautifully by memorizing, listening attentively, having others covertly do their reading for them, and many other tricks to prevent others from learning their deficiency.

When adults finally do come forward and either join a group or have a private tutor to learn how to read, they learn quickly and passionately. They have become my new heroes because they usually become reading tutors themselves!

Inspirational, to say the least!

Smile!

2005-08-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

Ever had a day when you wish you hadn't? Today is one of those days - nothing is going right and the greyness of the day only adds to my misery! I don't exactly feel bad, but I don't exactly feel good, either. Energy level is below zero!

However, to overcome and revive myself, I started thinking about what makes me smile in spite of myself. Here are some of the things that not only make me smile, but sometimes laugh out loud:

The cartoon "Maxine" Just love her attitude!
Another cartoon "Marmaduke" Creator has a wonderful approach to being a big dog!
A toddler's laughter - so infectious one can't help but laugh too.
Newly-born lambs - how sweet they are.
Finding money in the pocket of my winter jacket just when I need it the most!
The wonderful smooth taste of a hunk of a dark chocolate candy bar.
Discovering a puffy white cloud that looks like somebody or something unusual.
A double rainbow against a completely black sky.
The cachink of a deer's hoof against the top of the fence as he/she jumps over it.
A kitten playing with a ball of yarn.
A youngster concentrating very hard while trying to color "inside the lines."
Making repairs that actually work - rewired my utility light and it works great!
Letting someone with only one item go ahead of me in the check-out line.
Finishing a crossword puzzle correctly with a pen instead of pencil.
Hearing my best friend on the other end of the phone line saying "Hello, you old bag." (She's the same age as me, you understand!)
Miss Freckles singing for her supper.
Walking during the first snow of the year - doesn't happen often in Alabama!
Finding items I usually buy at the grocery store ON SALE!
Teaching - doesn't matter what I'm teaching 'cuz it makes me happy.

There are bazillions more LITTLE things that bring me joy and cause me to smile. Even when we feel so low we would have to be scraped up with a putty knife, there's always something - no matter how insignificant it may seem to others - which will bring a spring to our steps, joy to our hearts, and a smile on our faces. I'm already feeling better!

Be responsible

2005-08-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

Never dreamed my previous post would cause a stir! Controversey is not my forte - I usually will walk away from it. But, not this time!

I worked hard all of my life and saved every penny I could over the years - only to have family members wipe me out - not once, but twice. My original savings account grew to nearly $90,000.00 (yes, ninety thousand dollars) - my parents stole every penny without my knowledge while I was living in Germany as a military spouse. What did they have to show for that money? NOTHING! Booze, booze, and more booze was their primary expenditure. They never had a pot to pee in nor a window to throw it out of all of their lives. Their existence depended upon what they could take from others rather than work for it themselves. I strove hard and mightily to NOT BE LIKE THEM.

Most of my working years (which were many, by the way) there were no such perks as a 401K, no company sponsored investments of any kind into which one could deposit funds. In fact, medical insurance only became available to me when I was 45 years old! I, along with many in my age group, were led down the proverbial garden path by wonderfully phrased spoutings from the powers that be in our government that social security "will always be there to assist the elderly."

Somehow, though, I managed to recoup and saved AGAIN. Put my savings into Certificates of Deposit, which afforded me some sort of security for my so-called "golden years." Another member of my family (and I promised I would NEVER cite the name or relationship to me) raided my accounts over the internet five years ago and wiped me out AGAIN. Rationale was "she will never find out because I can pay this money back before she knows it is gone." Suffice it to say, I did find out, the money was gone forever (spent on heaven only knows what), and I couldn't even afford an attorney to recover that which no longer existed!

To the two young men who posted their comments yesterday, I hope you return to my site and read this posting. I closely read your comments and appreciate your opinions. Thank goodness for the right to voice them! However, it is important that you know I have lived by the following premise: It's not worth having unless you work for it and earn it yourself.

The money I've received from social security hasn't yet made a dent in the funds I paid in over my productive years. Never, and I repeat, NEVER have I contemplated begging others to give me money. Even now, in my advanced years and with my declining health, would I give credence to the idea that begging for money from others would be an acceptable option.

In our youth, we think we know all the answers to all the questions. In our mid-life we learn how smart our elders have suddenly become. In our senior years we realize we must face the disdain of the younger generation because we dared to grow old.

During this process of growing from young to old, hopefully, we truly come to understand the meaning of responsibility. We, each of us, is responsible for ourselves - what we say, what we do, where we go, what we become, who we choose to be, how we act.

My opinion remains firm: Rather than beg from others, be responsible enough to do for yourself. The pride of achievement attained from doing so is priceless.

Why isn't he embarrassed?

2005-08-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

While surfing blogsites (using Blog Explosion, of course), I came across a site which kinda sorta ticked me off. A young man - and I mean a YOUNG man - works and goes to school, but was requesting we send him money to help him out.

Made me think about what most of us senior citizens often find ourself facing because of having to live on a fixed income. This young man should have our problems for a little while.

We senior citizens - speaking for myself here - very seldom have enough to make ends meet, much less have any extra. I always jokingly tell folks "I have a lot more month left at the end of my money." For example, I had to make a choice this week.

My health is important to me, as it probably is to everyone. However, to be healthy I have to eat and to get better from my existing problems, I have to see doctors more often than I like. Do I buy gas for the car to travel to see the doctor - why are the doctors I need to see always so far away from where I live? Or, do I forget going to the doctor to instead buy groceries in the hopes that what I eat will help me hold my own?

This time I chose going to the doctor - as hopefully alleviating the constant pain took precedence over everything! But, there have been times I cancelled doctors appointments in order to eat.

I can't imagine begging for money - and a young man who HAS TO BE in much better health and circumstances than me should be embarrassed to be doing so.

Asking for help very often is disappointing for me

2005-08-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

Maybe the reason I don't often ask anyone for help is because my expectations of people are too high. When I'm told "We'll be there at" whatever time, I expect them to be here. And, when they aren't, I feel terribly hurt. And when I'm told someone will do something for me tomorrow, somehow the tomorrow just doesn't seem to arrive. Could it be that I misunderstood exactly which tomorrow was meant?

Yesterday I awaited my ride to clinic - 65 miles away - and no show. In a panic, I drove myself and barely arrived in time for the procedure. I refused novacain and any other "cain" they have because of being allergic. Gritted my teeth and bore it! After nearly 5 hours, I drove myself home. Found a message on my answering machine upon arriving home "We forgot your appointment is today, sorry!" Would have been better for me if there hadn't been a message, 'cuz I found myself becoming angry! Hate getting angry - becoming so makes me feel very small and insignificant.

Today, I found myself waiting again for the 3rd promise to mow my badly overgrown yard. The longer I waited, the more frustrated I became, especially since I was going to pay for the job as well as furnish the mower and gas! So, against doctor's orders to not get on that mower, I did. Got the front and some of the side yard mowed. Hurt like the dickens while I did it, but got the satisfaction of part of a job well done!

After putting the mower away, Miss Freckles and I sat on the front porch while I tried to enjoy a cup of cappucino, watched the sunset, and cried like a blithering idiot. Crying is something else I hate to do as it was always considered a "sign of weakness." But, there wasn't anyone to see me except Miss Freckles and she doesn't judge me. She laid with her head in my lap, cutting those soulful and seemingly understanding brown eyes of hers up at me with what I considered to be sympathy and I cried even more!

When I finally cried myself out and my cappucino had gotten cold and yucky, I came inside and said out loud "Amazing what one can do when one has to do it!" Never let it be said this gal will go down without putting up a good fight. My kids will tell anyone who listens "Mom is a tough woman and her independent nature has always carried her through." Chalk up one mark for my kids!

Country living is special

2005-08-25T04:47:00.000-07:00

I thought the start of this day would be typically hum-drum - as are most of my mornings. However, not so today!

I decided to enjoy my first cup of coffee on the front porch while Miss Freckles takes care of business. Usually, Miss Mutt Dog of 2005 charges out into the yard, barking at nothing in particular to let me know she is protecting her domain. This morning, though, she stood like a statue while I carefully sat down on the steps with my steaming hot cuppa! There, under the pecan tree in my front yard, also perfectly still, was standing Gigi - the fawn I've named and been watching the past week.

Momma Mia was outside the yard - which is encircled with a chain-link fence, snuffling at her baby. I held onto Miss Freckles, whispered in her ear to be quiet as Momma Mia jump the fence to come rescue Gigi. As I watched in total amazement, and hardly breathing, Momma Mia nudged Gigi toward the fence and as if in slow motion, both of them literally sailed over the fence with ease and grace. Once outside of the yard, they both casually strolled into the pasture across the road and Momma Mia grazed a bit, while Gigi decided it was time for a snack from her Mom.

Miss Freckles made no effort to escape my clutches and she neither growled nor barked. It was as if she knew not to bother that baby. When I did let her go, she went to the fence and quietly watched the two deer across the way as they worked their way into a small stand of trees.

Just before dark in the evenings five to ten deer are usually grazing on the young soy bean crop, I often hear the wild turkeys getting ready to bed down for the night, the pheasants and their babies often stroll along the fence line looking for juicy treats, racoons sneak into the yard to steal my pecans, and Mr. Long Stockings (my resident squirrel) will come up on my porch for his nightly graham cracker treat. Jack, a wonderful and smart crow, hasn't been around in a few days. It has taken me a month to get him to take bread and crackers from my hand. Hope he is okay.

There are definite advantages to living in the country.

Small goods sometimes bring about wonderful results!

2005-08-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

As I was looking through a photo album this morning, I came across some pictures which helped me realize we all contribute mightily when we do little things for others.

About 20 years ago, I learned a 69 year old man's secret. He couldn't read! He was often called upon at church to read the Scripture for that Sunday, but always used "I left my glasses in the car or at home" to prevent being embarrassed. Secretly, I met with him 3 mornings a week and over a period of a year, taught him to read. How proud I was that Sunday when he volunteered to read the morning's Scripture. He went on to teach his daughter and some of his closest friends (who were older than him) how to read. I took a photo of him that Sunday morning and seeing the pride on his face in his accomplishment - after all these years, brightened my morning.

While I was an exchange student in Amsterdam in 1995, I taught English to the children of 4 of the professors to earn some extra money. One of the boys in the group of six children was 14 years old and he told me he had no interest in English. He, of course, proved to be my best student. I received a very nice letter from his mother about a month ago informing me he is now teaching English in a Dutch elementary school. The picture I took of my six students (with Deryk scowling at the camera) brought back the excitement I had the first day I started with them.

When I first moved to the South, I was amazed to learn knitting was not very popular here - although, crocheting is! I've been a Master Knitter for over 40 years and decided to teach some of my new-found Southern friends how to knit. That first class consisted of 3 women - all of whom were firm in their commitment to never be able to knit anything that looked pretty and usable. All three are now Master Knitters themselves and travel all over the world teaching and acquiring new patterns and designs, which they are proud to share with me!

The very first computer I ever used was a humongous Litton 3-tape drive monster which had to be in a climate-controlled room where the temperature was maintained at 68 degrees! As a result of learning how to operate this (what I thought to be) technological marvel, I learned to love working with and repairing computers. Over the years I've taught many "how to" classes to senior citizens who were absolutely terrified of turning on a computer! A phone call from one of the gentlemen who participated in one of those classes about 10 years ago was to inform me he is now working for a software company which creates Christian games - at the wonderful young age of 73! How cool is that?

There was one newspaper clipping which brought back a torrent of emotions. A horrible accident, to which I had been a witness, occurred one morning as I was on my way to a bowling tournament. The driver was belted in, but his wife wasn't and she had been thrown out of the car - injured, but ambulatory. The photo in the newspaper showed me tolding her in my arms to prevent her from attempting to help her husband who burned to death on that horrible day. I stayed with her all day, and offered what little help and comfort I was able to give. We became fast friends and whenever she needed help, I was there for her. After she passed away about 15 years ago I was informed by her attorney she made a large bequest of thousands of dollars to her local fire department in my name. What an honor for me and how wonderful for that fire department which desperately needed the funds.

Maybe, just maybe, there is and has been a purpose for my being here after all!

Opened my bank account containing Happiness!

2005-08-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

As I sit here with my second cup of coffee, enjoying the sight of the sun burning off the heavy white fog which seems to have silenced the chattering, chirping, and croaking of the critters, I find myself flooded with a sense of wonder at the happiness of some (I believed) long-forgotten memories.

The smell of bread baking in my grand-mother's kitchen - oh my, how my mouth used to water in great expectation of having the "heel" slathered with freshly churned butter as soon as that bread came out of the oven! No matter how many times I made bread over the years, I could never quite get it to taste as good as bread that had been baked in that wood stove.

The first time EVER seeing and using an indoor bathroom was awe inspiring to me. There was a large tank mounted on the wall above the lovely porcelain toilet, on which was a wooden seat. A chain hung down from the tank, which when pulled, flushed the toilet. I must have pulled that chain dozens of times in total amazement of it all! Of course, I was only 9 years old at the time. The bathtub was a glorious claw-footed wonder with fixtures allowing one to run hot and cold water into its depths. How I reveled in that wonderful bathroom, especially since it had a door which could be locked from the inside for the best luxury of all - privacy.

Bundling up with many layers of clothing to tramp through the woods with my uncle tracking deer. Not to kill them, but to photograph them with a Brownie camera so my aunt could turn the pictures into cross-stitch designs for quilts and wall hangings. The first time I was invited to experience this was on my 14th birthday and the beauty of that day is alive and well in my happiness memory bank.

When I saw my first sunset over the Mojave Desert in spring, the beauty of the oranges, purples, pinks, blues, and even greys brought tears of utter joy and awe. A mountain meadow nestled on the banks of the Columbia River made me wish I could build a cabin there and never leave. The beauty of fall foliage in all its glory in upstate New York took my breath away. A mother's joy and relief when she found her lost toddler at an amusement park, sitting on my lap and happily eating ice cream.

It was thrilling to walk along the Apian Way in Italy. When President Kennedy made his "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech, I was there to hear it. Searching out and finding lovely little towns and hamlets in Germany wherein I met wonderful people. Riding a horse-drawn sleigh in Switzerland while viewing the starkness of the mountains heightened by the beauty of the snow and enjoying hot mulled cider in huge hand-crafted steins still makes me feel very small and insignificant with the grandeur of it all.

These are just a few of the happy memories I cherish and hold dear to my heart. It has brought me great joy to share them in this way.

Is there something I've missed?

2005-08-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

After five weeks, my fracture is showing SLIGHT changes. One is good, one is not so good. The very top of the fracture is showing faint (very faint) calcium buildup, which thrilled me. The bottom of the fracture has increased by 3.1 mm - which sent me into an immediate funk. Especially when the doctor told me I hadn't been "walking correctly." Once again I had training on the correct way to walk - actually shuffle is the appropriate word.

After my appointment with Mr. Wonderful (the doctor has the personality of a cobra about to inject its venom into me), I absolutely had to have a few things from the grocery store. While shuffling along through the store, two well-intentioned ladies asked me if I knew I was shuffling! Lawsy me, my tongue still has deep impressions of my teeth! However, I (as politely as was possible with a very sore tongue) explained I have to shuffle if I ever want my fractured pelvis to get better. They went merrily upon their way feeling, I am sure, that they had done a GOOD THING.

Once I became comfortably ensconced at home in my favorite night shirt and fuzzy slippers, I had a huge mug of tomato soup and a glass of milk, with a side of crackers slathered with fake butter! Although this is my form of comfort food, I didn't derive much comfort from partaking of it this time.

I couldn't help but wonder what in the world am I doing still here, breathing the air that others probably need much more than me. My days of productivity are limited at best (creating embroidery designs nobody seems to want but me has become rather a limited hobby), it appears my health will continue to decline as my age increases, and my family is in complete denial about the fact that being alone is not exactly a delight to me. No, I'm not suicidal! Heaven forbid I should have to face my Maker and attempt to explain why I murdered myself. It's merely that I seem to have more and more aloneness - not of my choosing. Maybe I've missed some valuable lesson with those attempts to do good for others. Hmmm, will playback and review!

I've been told to get out more often. Yeah, right! With gas so expensive that contemplating whether to buying groceries is all that necessary when I have to put gas in the car to get there surely would be enough to keep anyone with an IQ above that of a moron at home. I've tried the "volunteer" route - at the hospital, nursing home, at the senior citizen center, at schools, the library - you name it, I've volunteered. Arriving home from some of these stints would find me either in a complete state of depression, covered with bruises from miscreant little boys and girls, errant canes, walkers, and lifts, or angry as a wet setting hen at mother's who used me as a long-term babysitter for what should have been a short-term session!

However, every morning I say "Thank you for another day, Lord" and look for something happy to do, say, or think about. And, every night I say "Thank you for another good day, Lord" before I pray for those I've promised prayers. Yet, thoughts like what good am I, why am I still here, and how much longer do I have to be alone cling to my brain like the dust on my swiffer.

Whatever my mission is for my remaining days in this life, I certainly hope I can fulfill it properly and with great passion.

A promise to be yet fulfilled.

2005-08-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

I've spent the better part of today thinking about my brothers. My oldest brother lives in Maine and I've probably seen him a maximum of 6 times in the past 45 years or so. Three of those times were meetings at funerals for my father, my mother and my youngest brother - over a period of 20 years. One time, the only time he ever came to my home, he brought my mother to visit with me (for the first time) for a day when I was living in Rhode Island. He and I are as widely different as night and day. He hates everyone, everything, all the time. He always has been the male version of my mother!

I was close to my youngest brother when we were kids and still living at home. I felt very protective of him, for a reason I didn't understand for many years. As he matured, I made mention to him many times how much he looked like "Magnum P I" - right down to the dimples and mustache!

I think I knew my kid brother was "different" before he ever acknowledged it himself. My kid brother was gay - a fact which has never been recognized nor discussed by anyone else in my family. My mother was convinced he had a girlfriend named Carole and they would one day marry. It took me many years to realize my kid bother trusted the fact that I wouldn't think any the less of him for his life style and choice of significant other. We visited each other as often as we could afford to over the years, but talked on the phone at least once every week from the time he left home until he got terribly ill.

The last two or three times I visited him, I couldn't help but notice how much he had come to resemble my father. If I closed my eyes when he was speaking, it was as if my father were doing the speaking. He had many traits just like my father, which seemed odd to me, considering his life style was so widely different from that of my father's.

Both of my brothers were the veritable apples of my mother's eye! They could do no wrong, they were so handsome, they were so perfect! And then there was me! Suffice it to say that getting away from my parents, at a fairly young age, was one of the best things that could have happened to me.

Cancer conquered my kid brother's spirit and soul 4 years ago - I still have his ashes to scatter. Haven't been able to get to Maine to scatter half of his ashes over my mother's grave and the other half in the Atlantic Ocean. I will honor his request as soon as I can, because I promised him I would. My highschool class reunion (50th) is next year - my girlfriend and I have saved our pennies for the trip! MY PROMISE WILL BE KEPT!

If I've ever felt any jealousy in my lifetime, it has been that I've envied those who have had loving and kind parents and a close relationship with family. If you have a family with whom you are close and who love and cherish you, hold on tightly to them with all of your heart, mind, and soul. You don't know how fortunate you are!

Feel better now

2005-08-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

I accidentally tuned in to the Oprah show this afternoon. Didn't linger very long - continued clicking with the remote control until I found something interesting to watch. Stayed with the Animal Planet for most of the hour before the evening news came on.

Something happened to me one day as I WAS watching Oprah and the fashion show she highlighted that day. As she exclaimed with obvious delight that a top priced at over $300.00 was "cheap," I couldn't help but wonder what I would do with that same $300.00 other than purchase a so-called designer piece of apparel. As the show continued on with other (in my opinion) very expensive clothing and accessories, I wanted to grab Oprah and shake her until she couldn't stand up any more. How many women who watch her show can afford the items she calls "some of her favorite things," or the designer's fashions she so often touts.

Now, don't misunderstand me, please. I'm always thrilled when someone who came up with nothing makes good. It's the great American dream, after all! What does bother me is that with the bazillions of dollars Oprah is now worth, she makes me feel as if I'm less than I am because I'm on a fixed income and haven't been able to purchase anything - designer or otherwise - for myself in years. Flaunting her wealth with name dropping who designed this, or how much this costs, or how much good she has done for these or those kinda sorta rubs me the wrong way. So, to prevent feeling less than I really am, I don't watch her show anymore! I'm sure if I had more than just barely enough to get by, I wouldn't take umbrage.

I know, I know, it's not my place to judge. Hopefully, I'm not doing that. I really hope that what I'm doing is expressing the way someone makes me feel.

Onward and upward. I read Arc's posting about a cat who mysteriously appeared at her window after her Gram died. It really touched my heart, especially when she went on to say she named the cat Grams and how it likes many of the things that her REAL Gram liked. The spirit of someone Arc loved seems to bring her solace.

When times get especially hard for me, I actually can see and feel my Gram, who has been gone for 60 years. I was with her when she died - I was just a little sprout of a seven-year-old who absolutely adored Gram. While holding on to my hands, the last thing she said before passing away was "remember what I've taught you." I have and I do, Gram.

Phew, don't usually complain like I did about Oprah and hardly ever mention my Gram. Feel better now!

A good Saturday

2005-08-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

A blogging buddy of mine (Milt Bogs) asked me if I'd been exposed to rifle fire because of my Tinnitus! Couldn't help but grin - even chortled a little bit! No Milt, no rifle fire in my life! I'm over poweringly afraid of guns and have been ever since I was shot when I was a little girl. Living out here in the country like I do, I often hear gunfire echoing through the hills, which causes me to run for cover every time! I figure it's better to be safe than sorry.

I've learned, however, since this awful ringing began in my ears to not mention it very often. Got kinda sorta tired of being told to "get an unlisted ear." Not funny when I heard it the first time, and every time thereafter it became even more aggravating!

Today, I am very pleased with myself. I've created one of the prettiest embroidery designs I've ever done - and I've been doing this for about two years. I bet I've come to this computer and looked at it at least a dozen times since completing it! Hope others will like it and I sell it to LOTS of embroidery nuts like me! I will stitch it out starting sometime tomorrow - can't wait to see it.

Boy howdy, my big head sure did get deflated today - BIG TIME. I forgot a step in the chain of command for submitting dues for ASDF members! Oops! Was supposed to send everything to the BN XO, and didn't. Took care of it myself and mailed everything off yesterday morning. Had to admit to that fact today to the BN XO via e-mail - awaiting chastisement as I type this! One good thing, this mistake won't affect my pay check one bit because we ALL are volunteers! ;-)

My very best friend called me today to thank me for the flowers I sent her for her birthday. How wonderful it was to talk with her - she always lifts my spirits. She and her hubby have offered to pay for round trip airline tickets for me to come visit her in September or October. Wow, that's a good friend! My friend from New York, who winters in Alabama, has already offered to house/dog sit for me. That's another good friend! I'm going to give that opportunity serious consideration!

"Happy" pill worked really well today, and I don't feel like crap or inordinately sleepy after taking it, either. The pain doesn't exactly disappear, but it is dulled enough to where I can think, do, and eat! Just had a huge tomato sandwich and a cold glass of milk for supper. Thought I was gonna have to get me a slobber cup to put under my chin from the juice of that delicious tomato! Man, that's good eating!

Down, but not out YET

2005-08-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

Haven't been here for a couple of days. Pain was inordinately bad and can't take morphine. Now on some kind of synthetic stuff that shouldn't cause a reaction and it seems to be doing its work - very well!

Went to a meeting last night - felt like it had been a year since seeing everyone. Showing up in uniform without boots was a hoot - luckily I have some black suede work shoes that didn't clash too much with my BDU. 1SG would have had a cow if I had worn my white tennis shoes! LOL

Went out for a bite with everyone after the meeting. Oh, how I've missed being around people who laugh. Story-telling time had me nearly falling off my chair because I laughed so hard and so much. Good therapy for me, though.

Gazoodles of paperwork today - nearly all done. Awaiting information from e-mails I sent out and messages I left on answering machines for finalization.

Received praise for my work last night - gave me the big head! Have to go through a door sideways!

Was I surprised to see a new member last night who was also using a cane - just like mine! I think I've got it bad - I at least (hopefully) will get better. There's always a silver lining to those dark clouds that appear in our lives.

Don't think I'd better participate - even though I have been ordered to not leave my car - tonight during the Midnight Run. Went to the store a few minutes ago to get some milk and bread and discovered I REALLY did overdo last night. I will have to curb my desire to participate in the future, no matter how GOOD I may feel. It appears the doctor really does know what is best (durn it!).

Today was a good day

2005-08-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

Been laughing for no real reason - it's just such a happy kind of day. Why? Because I no longer need to have attached to my body that heart monitor! Seems my problem has been stress - duh! Can't imagine why! Anyhoo, turned in the pesky electronic thingy with the wires and probes for another version of happy pill that is supposed to keep me stressless! Isn't medicine and all it offers just wonderful?!?

Saw an old and very dear friend today while in town. It was wonderful to see him and catch up on his latest news. He's selling his house and land here, is now living in Mississippi, has a cute girlfriend 12 years younger than him, and is soon going to get married. Couldn't happen to a nicer fella and I'm happy for him. Since his wife passed away eight years ago, he's been a shell of his former self. His new love has put a sparkle in his eyes and a spring in his step. Isn't love wonderful?!?

Finally finished a new embroidery design this afternoon - got it drawn and digitized. Will start stitching it out tomorrow to be sure it will meet my requirements to put on my website for sale. For some reason, this design dealt me fits - just couldn't get it right. Maybe being in such a good mood for reasons cited above had something to do with finally achieving my desired goal. Or, it might be that computer and digitizer both decided to work well together today. Isn't technology wonderful?!?

Yesterday proved to be a better day than I had originally thought it would be. Took some very good advice and only thought happy thoughts about "the frog." Made the day easier to bear and I actually managed to laugh out loud while thinking about my hubby (the frog) telling the story of Cinderalla in spoonerisms! As many times as I heard him recite that, I always ended up in fits of laughter because of facial expressions and voice inflections he would use. Isn't advice followed wonderful?!?

I'm going to be a great-grandmother two times soon. #1 Grandson's significant other is due in November and #2 Granddaughter is due sometime in March. That will be four great-grandkids! Isn't procreation wonderful?!?

On a serious note, I offer my condolences to the family of Peter Jennings. He was my favorite news anchor - a person I admired and would have liked very much to have met. It was very evident to me, as an avid viewer, he loved his job. I will miss him.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly!

2005-08-06T05:21:00.000-07:00

I found some reports and writings from my college days and started recalling what my tenure as an Adult Returning Student (ARS) at the University of Montevallo was like.

The Good

It was a wonderful opportunity my hubby made possible! The friends I made at school are priceless. A couple of my professors inspired me to achieve beyond my wildest imaginations. During my Freshman year, an English professor made me angry enough at myself to enter a writing contest. I wrote about the life and culture of truck drivers - I won! I admired Dr. Forbes because she was always very professional and businesslike - she knew her "stuff" and motivated me to excel in Management classes. Being a roving reporter for the school newspaper was extremely challenging, while offering me many happy times. Qualifying for and participating in the Student Exchange program was a highlight I cherish. Serving as the ARS Senator on the Student Government for two years afforded me an insight into the politics of college life. Being inducted into the Golden Key Honor Society, while a high honor, also humbled me. An advisor who, although he continuously messed up my schedule, always listened to my "I just can't do this" and would respond, "Who said?" The many papers I corrected for students from 38 non-English speaking countries while an exchange student (all classes were taught in English, thankfully for me). As a result of charging a guilder for each paper, I was able to lighten my hubby's financial burden for my stay in Amsterdam.

The Bad

The death of my hubby one week before graduation. Algebra! Still don't understand the need for doing math with letters rather than numbers. Instructors (not professors) who were young enough to be my grandkids. The professors who taught theory because they'd never actually worked at what they taught. Having to get to campus VERY early in order to find a parking place. Not being able to use the dining room table for anything except doing homework. My hubby working algebraic formulae in his head and not understanding why it was so difficult for me to factor. Watching another ARS waste away with cancer. Falling down a long flight of stairs leading into the Student Union building and breaking my left wrist. Although, I was fortunate it wasn't any worse than that! The "burn out" which occurred in my Junior year. Working with so-called "teams" and having to do all the work myself.

The Ugly

Rampant age discrimination. Feeling the need to constantly justify why I was attending college at my "advanced age." One professor in particular ridiculed my age and life skills in a class of 82 students. He was gone my next semester! A professor in Amsterdam (while I was an exchange student there) stated it is perfectly alright to lie and cheat while conducting business - which explained why his business failed! The German students at Hoegschool of Economics, during an open forum discussion about the subject matter of the day - announced they didn't want to attend class with an "American grandmother who is only there for a lark!" I guess I showed them, as I came home from the six months of study with the highest grades ever of previous students who had been sent from Montevallo!

All in all, my college experience was all I had hoped it would be, plus much more. One of the reports I recently found was a Business Plan for a pretend business I was going to start. Everything in it was bull poop - but I received a grade of A+ and got an extra ten points above that grade toward my final exam! How much fun was that for me? Still laugh about it today.

Tomorrow, my hubby will have been gone for seven years. Although he wasn't with me in body when I graduated, I know he was with me in spirit (hindsight brought that info into my brain). I probably won't post anything here tomorrow - already dreading the day, to be truthful. However, even with the good, the bad, and the ugly, I wouldn't trade a moment of time I spent the 4 years I attended college. I learned a lot, taught others, and had a ball doing it.

Alzheimer's

2005-08-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

Taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer's Disease is challenging, frustrating, and requires total commitment on the part of the care giver.

Although I knew nothing about Alzheimer's back in the 80's, I found myself as the full-time care giver for the ex Son of a Blotitch's mother. This gentle, sweet, and Christian woman became a monster of meanness before my very eyes - even during my "I'm in denial phase" of her care.

One day, within a matter of hours, she forgot how to dress herself! She loved to go to town to shop and eat lunch - always a fish sandwich! As she ate her breakfast, I told her we would go to town later, and then I'd take her out to eat. Excited and eager as a child, she hurried through her breakfast, made her ablutions in her bathroom, and prepared to get ready. I went about my regular morning chores and also prepared for a day in town.

About 1/2 an hour later, I knocked on her bedroom door to ask if she were ready. I can't begin to tell you my reaction when she stepped out of her room while saying "I'm ready to go." Her favorite tangerine sweat suit was on upside down - she had the bottom on as the top, draped over her shoulders 'cuz she couldn't find where to put her head. She had the shirt on as the pants with her bra tied in a knot to hold it up. Her panties were on her head as a hat, and she, of course, had her purse hanging on her arm. When I took her into the dining room where there was a mirrored wall to take a look, I asked "Do you really think you look okay to go to town?" As she viewed her image, she very carefully moved her panties a little to one side and said, "My hat is crooked."

At that moment, I no longer was in a state of denial about her mental condition. As I attempted to dress her correctly, she got very agitated with me and used language I didn't know she even knew, much less dare say!

Watching someone you care for slip away from you because of the debiliating ravages of Alzheimer's is a terrible thing. I felt so completely helpless, and often hopelss, because I had no help. There was no support from her only son - he was too busy with his skirt chasing to give any thought to his mother. There was no support group anywhere to which I could turn for help. There was no support from the church to which she had been a member for over 50 years.

The night she got out of her room and fell out the back door while I was asleep was terrifying. I awoke to hearing her call for help, but I couldn't find her! When I did, there she was in a crumpled heap on the ground, soaking wet because it was raining. It took me nearly an hour to get her back inside the house, and then another hour to get her bathed, warm, and into her bed. She weighed about 160 pounds - I couldn't lift her, so I ended up placing her on a scatter rug and literally dragged her up the stairs and through the house to get her where I could check her all over to make sure nothing was broken. The next day, I called the local medical supply business and ordered a geriatric chair, a lift, and a porta-poddy. I thanked God every day for that lift, believe me.

A short time later, she pitched a fit of rage because she claimed she NEVER had worn dentures and wasn't going to wear these! She threw them across the room at me, where they hit the wall and broke into many pieces. From then on, I had to feed her as if she were a baby - pureeing her food for her. One night, soon thereafter, I awoke to find her standing over me in bed with a knife in her hand. She wasn't threatening me - she wanted to know what she was supposed to do with the knife! I childproofed my house from one end to the other the next morning!

For nearly 2 years I was the 24/7 care giver to this woman who had once been so vibrant, active, and busy. In essence, she became my little girl who ended up being completely bedridden, forgetting how to do everything, including how to talk or eat. When she died, it was as if I had lost another child, and for a long time after her death I would second guess myself about what I could have done differently to help her. A special on television about caring for Alzheimer's patients made me aware I couldn't have done anything differently whatsoever.

I am go glad I had the opportunity to care for her.

Emily Margaret

2005-08-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

I just visited a site wherein the writer asked about a person's favorite stuffed toy. Sorry, can't remember the name of the site, but the question really stirred something within me.

As a child, I had no toys - never had a stuffed toy, a doll, a sled, or (heaven forbid) a bicycle. My family was far from wealthy, but there always seemed to be plenty of money for booze, booze, and more booze for my parents!

The Christmas before I turned 50, my 9-year old grand-daughter made me a Cabbage Patch Doll as a gift. I treasured the doll - to me it was the most beautiful thing that had ever been given to me! My grand-daughter thought her Gram had lost her marbles when I started crying upon opening the package with that wonderful doll inside. I named her Emily Margaret after my imaginary childhood friend.

One day, about 6 years ago, Emily Margaret inadvertently got put into the washing machine, along with towels and sheets! Oh, my poor Emily Margaret was no more. I stood in the utility room and cried like a baby at her demise. My first and only doll was gone forever!

My hubby's Mom - a wonderfuly eccentric lady - promised to make me a doll. Her ceramic dolls were very lifelike and natural looking as a result of the time and effort she spent cleaning, firing, cleaning again, painting, and sewing. She hand sewed the clothes for her wonderful creations, and gave each its own unique name. But, she became too ill to make me a doll. And, since her death, her kilns and molds were sold to a ceramic shop somewhere in southern Florida.

How silly is it to miss a stuffed Cabbage Patch Doll? It might seem silly to someone else, but to me it is far from being silly. It was as if a part of me had tragically disappeared, never to be replaced. The little girl inside this old body still mourns the loss of both Emily Margarets.

I've Been "MeMe'd"

2005-08-03T03:51:00.000-07:00

Mama Mouse "meme'd" me! I goofed up and responded by commenting on her blogsite - wrong! (Forgive my stuipidity Mama!)

Questions asked:

1. What is your happiest memory of your husband?

A few minutes before he suddenly died, he patted my knee and said "I'm so glad you are my wife."

2. What is your favorite childhood memory?

My grandmother (my mother's mother) standing at her wood stove cooking and my reaching into her apron pocket for a peppermint stick. I always felt safe, happy, and loved in her presence.

3. How do you relax and de-stress?

Usually one of 3 ways: take a long and luxurious bubble bath, create a new embroidery design, or read the Bible (not necessarily in that order).

4. What relative from your childhood was your favorite? My grandmother (cited above). If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be alive today.

5. What is your favorite meal to cook?

Weiner Schnitzel, German potato Salad, and German chocolate pie. I'm not German, but love this meal!

This was a fun project, Mama Mouse!

It's not always nice to dream

2005-08-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

I had the most impossibly horrible dream last night. As a result, I've been more than slightly disturbed by it most of the day.

I dreamed a heavy knocking began at my front door while I was asleep. Miss Freckles was frantically barking and making every effort to get through the door to whomever was making all that racket.

In my dream, as if in slow motion, I arose from my bed, grabbed the "special" baseball bat that remains in a prominent place, and headed for the living room. I turned on the lamp by the sofa and unlocked the door - all the while demanding "Who is it?"

Positioning the bat for a hearty swing, I opened the door. There, on the front porch peering in the screen/storm door, was standing my grinning and very alive deceased husband! In a complete panic, I yelled at him "Where have you been? Why have you pretended to be dead all this time? Why did you leave me all alone?"

That's when I awoke in a state of complete terror.

I have wild and weird dreams sometimes, but nothing like this one ever! Have no idea where it came from or what it means. I've felt very disjointed and disturbed by this dream all day - found myself looking out the window or opening the front door continuously and scared of what I might or might not see!

The men in the white coats are coming for me soon, I'm sure! Hope I never have this dream again!

An extraordinary day

2005-07-31T17:45:00.000-07:00

Because I was suffering from a severe bout of cabin fever, I just had to get out of the house for a while today. And, I'd compiled a small list of groceries I needed. Perfect reason for me get the car out of the garage and make the soujourn to the local Wally World!

Naturally, the items on my list ranged from one side and end of the store to the other! Walking with my cane is tricky enough - but leaning on a carriage for support is much more difficult for me (as I learned today). Learning how to pick up things and place them in the carriage without causing myself bodily harm was quite an experience also. Checking out wasn't a problem, because the cashier very nicely put only a couple of items in each bag and then placed the bags in the carriage for me to push outside to my car. That was appreciated, but I couldn't help but wish she were going home with me to lug and tote and put away!

Getting the bags into the car was a trip - but a very nice young man helped me. I'm always amazed at the kindness of others toward me! However, upon arriving home, it took me what seemed like an inordinate amount of time to get the bags into the house and then put the stuff away! Won't go by myself again until I'm better, of that I'm sure!

My embroidery designs aren't selling like I thought they would and my budget is so tight my butt squeaks when I walk! So, sent up a silent prayer this morning for financial help.

Shortly after lunch time, I got a call to teach digitizing classes for four ladies I met when I made a presentation at their sewing club earlier this month. And, a few minutes ago a dear friend of mine called to ask me if I'd like to work for her and her husband on a part-time basis (probably wouldn't have to work more than 4 - 8 hours per week) keeping their books for them.

How cool is it to receive an answer to prayer so quickly? Still have goose bumps as big as golf balls all over my body!!!

Curiousity killed the cat!

2005-07-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

I remember my grandmother (my father's mother) whom I had to call "Nana," often referred to me as being CURIOUS. And she didn't mean I was an inquisitive little girl, either! She meant it as an insult - although I wasn't aware of that fact until I became an adult. Then it was too late to ask her why she thought that of me - she had already passed on to Mean Nana Land by that time!

Strange how the definition of a word can become garbled, depending on where you live and the culture of your individual family unit. Curious was used also to mean odd, strange, weird, and even worse - stupid! As a little kid, I thought it was catamount to meaning something doubtful about my parentage! How stupid!

My Nana was definitely an odd person - she didn't like anyone! She lived for her beer, cigarettes, and Wrassling! I don't remember ever hearing her say anything nice about anyone or anything - except her beer, cigarettes, and Wrassling. She was a tall, angular woman with a sternness about her nobody dared challenge - except for my Dad (her favorite kid). How odd!

One time, the whole family went to Nana's (we never included Grandpa - it was always to Nana's) to celebrate her birthday. We brought her the required presents - a case of her favorite beer and a carton of Lucky Strikes. As a special surprise, Dad had bought her a new television (albeit black and white 'cuz color TV wasn't the going thing then) with a wonderful set of powerful rabbit ears. According to Nana, "The beer wasn't cold enough, the cigarettes were stale, and the TV wasn't any use to her that night because Wrassling isn't on until tomorrow." Grandpa wasn't permitted to touch the existing TV which held a place of honor on the breakfront separating the dining room and living room. He was thrilled that Nana had a new TV, he took the old one into the basement to watch what he wanted to watch - he hated Wrassling! How strange!

Grandpa was a timer at the local Sulky track - and on occasion, he would take me with him to sit beside him while he clicked his stop watch to record the times of the winning horses. How I loved going to the track with him. And how he loved getting away from Nana! He was SOMEBODY at the track! At home, he might as well have been invisible. How curious!

Thankfully, I never had to spend much time in Nana's presence. To say I didn't like her very much would be a complete understatement of fact! She would pull my hair and box my ears just because! No talking allowed at Nana's - even if the TV was off! Had to sit in a straight-back kitchen chair with my back to her so she wouldn't have to look at my curiousity! Never did know why she disliked me so much, but I can guarantee you, I never was curious enough to ascertain why!

Some Random Thoughts

2005-07-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

I'm surprised at how much less my telephone is ringing these days. It almost seems as if being less than my best where my health is concerned, I'm now on the gone and forgotten list. E-mails have fallen off drastically, as well.

Must add, though, one friend has been faithful to call regularly to check on me and to report progress on his "journey of happiness." It's always a delight to talk to him and he makes me feel a part of his life.

Miss Freckles has not been happy with my cane at all! Apparently she believed it to be less than desirable to her and she nipped at it as I limped through the house while using it. While I was brushing her yesterday, I rubbed the dead fur the brush removed from her all over my cane. Today, as I made use of my wonderful extra tool, she made no effort to come near the cane or my feet. I amaze myself sometimes!

Fella who dumped me because of being a "sicky" contacted me yesterday! Sent me an e-mail to apologize for being such a P---K! (His word, not mine) Not sure what to make of it all, but am very wary. Alert, Alert antennae are up and working overtime!

A grand-daughter is getting married in October in Gatlinburg. Received my invitation in the mail yesterday. Hope I will be fit enough to attend - have wanted to go to Gatlinburg ever since moving to the South many moons ago. Of course, will enjoy the wedding, too! Somehow that just didn't come out quite right!

Fell off the "no smoking" wagon BIG TIME - but, back on it again. Nerves were completely shattered and could not resist buying a pack. They were smoked up a week ago - and the urge is still as strong as ever to have a smoke!! Will it never get better?